Chapter 14: Kindness, Gratitude and a Quiet Mind

Tonight's Lesson

Hello again, and welcome to our fourteenth evening. Please take your seat and let your feet find the floor. In our last lesson we talked about waking in the night: how brief waking is a normal part of sleep, why it helps to leave the clock alone, and how slow breathing, a short body scan and, on restless nights, a few quiet minutes in the chair can lead us back to rest. Some of you may already have tried the night version, and others may simply have slept. Both are fine.

Tonight we turn to the mood we carry into the evening. Over the past lessons we have softened the body with movement, slowed the breath and trained our attention. But many of us also bring something else to bed: a feeling of being hard on ourselves, of having done too little, of a difficult moment that keeps replaying. This mood may be quiet, but it can keep the body a little tense and the mind a little busy. Tonight I would like to show you two simple practices that can soften it. The first is a practice of kind wishes. The second is remembering three good things from the day.

Neither practice asks you to feel anything special, and neither asks you to pretend that the day was better than it was. They are small, plain habits of attention, much like counting the breath. We will learn about them first, then do our thirty-minute practice with gentle movements for the whole body, and in the stillness we will try both kind wishes and three good things together.

Kind Wishes

A practice of kind wishes is found in many traditions, both religious and not, and it has been used in different forms for a very long time. In this course we use it in the simplest way: sitting quietly and wishing yourself and others well in plain words. No belief is needed. You do not need to call it anything special. It is simply a way of choosing, for a few minutes, where to point the mind, just as you point it toward the breath or the feet in other practices.

The practice works with a few short sentences said silently, slowly, in time with the breath. For example: "May I rest well tonight. May I be at ease. May I be kind to myself." If those words feel unfamiliar, you can use ordinary ones: "I wish myself a restful night. I wish myself some ease." Choose words that feel natural to you and keep them the same each evening, so that they become familiar. You might say one sentence on each breath out, or one sentence every two breaths. There is no hurry.

We usually begin with ourselves, because the evening is when we are often hardest on ourselves. Then we can widen the wishes, step by step. Next we may think of someone dear to us, a family member, a friend or even a pet, and wish them well: "May you rest well tonight. May you be at ease." Then we can think of someone we know only a little, perhaps someone we saw today in a shop or on the way home. Last, we can wish well to everyone who is going to sleep tonight: "May everyone rest well. May everyone be at ease." Each step can take only a minute or two.

A common question is, "What if I do not feel anything?" That is completely normal, especially at the beginning. Kind wishes are not about producing a warm feeling on command. The words are a direction, not a test. Some evenings you may notice a little softness in the chest or the face; other evenings you will simply be saying the words while the mind wanders. Both are fine. If you notice that you are trying hard to feel kind, let the effort go, return to the breath and let the words be quiet and plain.

Why might this help sleep? In our second lesson we spoke about the busy mode and the resting mode of the body. Harsh thoughts about ourselves, such as "I should have done better" or "I always get this wrong", tend to keep the body slightly on guard. Kind words, even said silently, point in the other direction. They remind us that the day is over and that we can put it down. Many people find that after a few minutes of kind wishes the breath is a little slower and the shoulders a little lower. We are not forcing a change; we are giving the body a gentler message to listen to.

Three Good Things

The second practice is very simple. Before you go to sleep, you remember three good things from the day. They can be very small: the taste of a warm drink, a kind word from someone, a moment of sunshine through a window, a task finished, a funny remark, the feeling of taking off your shoes. They do not need to be important, and they do not need to be things you did well. They only need to be things that, when you remember them, feel a little pleasant, warm or easy.

For each good thing, take a few breaths to remember it in some detail. Where were you? What did you see, hear or feel? Who was there? Then, if it feels natural, you might add a short note of thanks in your mind, to a person, to the day or simply to the moment: "That was nice. I am glad that happened." This is what people often mean by gratitude: noticing what was good and letting ourselves appreciate it for a moment. Again, no special feeling is required. Remembering is enough.

Why three, and why at night? The mind tends to hold on to problems more tightly than to pleasant moments. This is a useful habit when we must solve something, but in the evening it can leave us with the feeling that the whole day was difficult, even when much of it was ordinary or good. Remembering three good things does not erase the hard parts. It simply makes the picture more complete. Three is a small number, easy to remember and easy to reach even on a tiring day.

You can do this practice silently in the chair, as we will tonight, or in bed with the lights off. Some people like to write their three good things in the notebook we used in our eleventh lesson, perhaps on the page after the worries and next steps. Writing worries first and good things afterwards can be a gentle way to close the day's page: what still needs attention is written down for tomorrow, and what was good is remembered tonight. If writing feels like another task, simply remember, and leave the pen for another evening.

Both practices, kind wishes and three good things, are quiet ways of helping the mood soften before sleep. A softer mood does not mean pretending to be happy. If you are sad, tired or worried, those feelings are allowed to be here. We are not pushing them away. We are only making some room beside them for a little kindness and a few good memories, so that they are not the only things we take to bed.

The Thirty-Minute Practice

Please prepare as usual: a sturdy chair without wheels on a non-slip floor, ideally with its back against a wall, your feet flat on the floor or on a folded blanket, comfortable clothes, soft light and a glass of water nearby. Tonight's moving part has gentle movements for the whole body, from the neck to the feet, all done sitting down. Move only as far as is comfortable. If you feel pain, dizziness or shortness of breath, stop, come out of the movement slowly and rest with your hands on your thighs, simply breathing.

Minutes 1 to 3: Arriving. Sit toward the front half of the seat with your feet flat and your knees about over your ankles. Let your weight rest on your sitting bones. Let your spine grow long and your shoulders soften. Rest your hands on your thighs and let your eyes close, or look softly at the floor. Notice how you are this evening, without needing to change anything. Perhaps you are tired, perhaps restless, perhaps calm. Whatever you find, say to yourself silently, "This is how I am tonight, and that is fine."

Minutes 4 to 8: Breathing. Rest one hand on your belly and one on your chest. Breathe in through the nose and feel the belly and ribs move gently outward; breathe out and feel them move back in. After a few breaths, count softly: in for four, out for six, or a shorter count if that is easier. Do not hold the breath at any point. As you breathe out, let the hand on your chest feel the warmth of your own body. If counting makes you tense, let it go and just breathe naturally, with a slightly longer breath out. Toward the end, let your hands come back to your thighs.

Minutes 9 to 20: Moving. We start with the neck and shoulders. Breathe out and slowly lower your chin a little toward your chest; breathe in and lift the head back to the middle, five times. Turn your head gently to the right on a breath out and back to the middle on a breath in, then to the left, three times each side. Then lift both shoulders toward your ears as you breathe in and let them drop as you breathe out, three times. Roll the shoulders slowly backward five times and forward five times. Throughout, keep the head and shoulders moving slowly, and never drop the head far back.

Next, arm reaches with the breath. Sit tall with your hands on your thighs. As you breathe in, lift both arms out to the sides and up, only as high as is comfortable; for some people that is shoulder height, and that is a complete movement. As you breathe out, lower the arms slowly back to your thighs. Do this five times, letting the movement follow the breath rather than the other way round. If your shoulders feel tight, lift one arm at a time instead.

Now the spine. Place your hands on your knees for seated cat and cow. Breathe in and let your chest move gently forward and up, with your back curving a little inward; breathe out and round your back softly, letting your chin move toward your chest. Move between these shapes for six slow breaths, then sit tall. Then the seated side bend: with your left hand on the seat beside you, lift your right arm on a breath in, only as high as is comfortable, and lean a little to the left on a breath out. Stay for two breaths, come back slowly, lower the arm, and repeat on the other side.

Then a gentle twist. Sit tall and place your right hand on your left knee, with your left hand resting on the seat beside you. Breathe in to grow long, and as you breathe out, turn slowly from the middle of your back toward the left, the head following last. Let the hands rest without pulling. Stay for three breaths, come back to the middle on a breath in, change hands and turn to the right for three breaths, then come back to the middle.

Now the legs and feet. March your knees slowly, lifting the right knee a little way and lowering it, then the left, ten times on each side. Then lift your right foot slightly, or keep the toes on the floor, and draw five slow circles with the ankle in each direction. Point the toes away from you and draw them back toward you five times. Lower the foot and repeat with the left foot. Then straighten one leg in front of you with the heel on the floor for three breaths, bend it back, and do the same with the other leg.

Last in the moving part, the hands, as a small act of kindness to yourself. Circle both wrists slowly, five times in each direction. Open your fingers wide and then close them gently into soft fists, five times. Then hold your left hand in your right and use your right thumb to press gently in small circles over the palm and the base of each finger, as if you were thanking the hand for its work today. Change hands. When you finish, rest both hands on your thighs, palms up or down, as you prefer.

Minutes 21 to 27: Stillness. Shift back so that your back rests against the chair back, close your eyes and let the breath find its own rhythm. For the first few minutes, practise kind wishes. If you like, place a hand on your chest. On each breath out, say silently: "May I rest well tonight. May I be at ease. May I be kind to myself," or your own plain words. After a minute or two, think of someone dear to you and wish them well in the same way. Then widen the wish to everyone who is going to sleep tonight. If the mind wanders, notice it kindly and return to the words. Then, for the last minutes, remember three good things from today, one at a time, spending a few breaths with each and adding a quiet thank-you if it feels natural.

Minutes 28 to 30: Closing. Let your hand rest back on your thigh. Take a slightly fuller breath, and gently move your fingers and toes. Open your eyes slowly. Notice the room in the soft light, and notice your face and shoulders: perhaps they are a little softer than when you arrived, perhaps not, and either is fine. Stand up slowly, using the chair for support if you need it. Drink a little water if you like, turn off the lights and go to bed. If you want to, you can say your kind wishes once more as you lie down.

Common Questions

"Saying kind words to myself feels strange or false." Many beginners feel this, and it is a very natural response. We are often more used to criticising ourselves than to wishing ourselves well. You do not need to believe the words completely. Treat them like the breath counts: something to rest the attention on. If "May I be kind to myself" feels too much, try something smaller, such as "May I rest a little tonight." Over many evenings, the words usually feel less strange.

"Today was a hard day, and I cannot find three good things." On some days this happens. Then look for very small things: the warmth of the blanket, a glass of water, the chair holding you right now, the fact that the day is over and you are resting. One good thing is enough. If even that feels difficult, skip the good things tonight and simply say kind wishes to yourself. On a hard day, being gentle with yourself is the most useful practice of all.

"Should I send kind wishes to someone I find difficult?" Some people do include, after many weeks of practice, a person they find difficult. For the evening before sleep, though, I suggest keeping to yourself, someone dear and everyone who is sleeping tonight. Thinking about a difficult person can start the busy mode again, which is the opposite of what we want at this hour. If such a person comes to mind by themselves, notice the thought, let it pass and return to someone easier.

"Can I do this in bed instead of in the chair?" Yes. Both practices fit very well into the minutes after you lie down. Lying comfortably, say your kind wishes on a few breaths out, then remember three good things. Many people find that they fall asleep partway through, and that is a good way for it to end. You can also use the kind wishes if you wake in the night, together with the slow breathing from our last lesson.

Summary

A practice of kind wishes is found in many traditions. Here it simply means wishing yourself and others well in plain words, silently and in time with the breath.

We begin with ourselves, then widen the wishes to someone dear and to everyone who is going to sleep tonight. Choose words that feel natural and keep them the same each evening.

No special feeling is needed. The words are a direction for the attention, not a test, and a wandering mind is simply brought back.

Remembering three good things from the day, even very small ones, makes the picture of the day more complete. You may add a quiet thank-you, or write them in your notebook.

A softer mood does not mean pretending. Sadness and worry may stay; we only make some room beside them for kindness and good memories.

Tonight's practice moved the whole body gently, then used the stillness for kind wishes and three good things. Both practices can also be done in bed as you fall asleep.