Chapter 15: The First Birthday

From the Diary

Month 12, the last week before her birthday. Tonight, after our daughter fell asleep, I sat on the floor of her room and read this diary from the beginning. I had forgotten so much. I had forgotten the last night in the place of birth, when I could not stop looking at her tiny fingers. I had forgotten how the wound pulled when I laughed, and how I cried in the first week without knowing why. I had not forgotten the grey weeks. Reading those pages, I wanted to reach back and hold the woman who wrote them, and tell her that it would get lighter. It did get lighter. She did not know that yet, and she kept going anyway.

The same week. Our daughter is standing everywhere now, holding on to the sofa, the low table and my legs, and moving sideways along the furniture like a small, determined crab. She makes one sound that is very clearly meant for me and another that she uses only for the neighbour's cat. She points at everything she wants, and she waves goodbye to the childminder, to the bus and once, very politely, to the washing machine. Yesterday my husband was on his knees again, moving the cleaning things to an even higher shelf, because she has learned to open the cupboard by the door. He laughed and said that our home will never be finished, and I think he is right.

Her birthday. My mother came, my husband's parents came, and my friend from the parents' class came with her son, who is a few weeks older and very serious about cake. We kept it small and short, because a one-year-old does not need a big party, and we have learned that a tired baby means tired parents. After the cake, our daughter let go of the sofa, looked at me, and took two steps towards my arms. Two steps! Then she sat down very suddenly and laughed, and everybody in the room laughed with her. My husband's father, who has given us so much advice this year, had tears in his eyes and said nothing at all.

The last page. A year ago we came home with a baby we did not know, and we did not yet know ourselves as parents either. We have learned who she is, and we have learned each other again. We were tired, frightened, happy and sometimes lost, and each time we found our way. When I could not see the way myself, I asked for help, and help came: the midwife, the doctor, my husband, my mother, my friend who answered my messages at night. If one new parent ever reads this page, I want to tell that parent this: you do not have to do it alone, and the hard days do not stay forever. This year we became parents. Today our daughter began her second year, and so did we. I am not afraid of it. I am looking forward to it with my whole heart.

What a One-Year-Old May Do

Around the first birthday, babies differ from each other more than ever before. Many babies sit, crawl, stand and take their first steps somewhere across the second half of the first year, and the range is wide. Some one-year-olds already walk on their own. Many stand while holding on and move along the furniture, as the baby in the diary does. Others are still crawling or shuffling on their bottom and will walk later. All of these can be part of healthy development. As Chapter 10 explained, every baby follows their own path, and comparing your child with other babies, in a group or online, tells you very little about your own child.

Sounds and words also grow in this stage. Many babies around their first birthday babble with the rhythm of real speech, use a few sounds that clearly mean something to them, and understand far more than they can say: their own name, simple words for familiar people and things, and the steps of daily routines such as bath time or going out. Many babies point to show what they want or what they find interesting, wave, clap, and look at you to share a moment of surprise or joy. These gestures are an important part of communication. Talking, singing, naming things and looking at picture books with your baby every day gives your baby rich language to learn from, in whatever language or languages your family speaks.

Feelings become bigger too. A one-year-old can be delighted, frustrated, shy and very determined, sometimes all in the same hour. Many babies of this age are wary of strangers and want a familiar adult close by, as Chapter 14 described. Some begin to protest loudly when something is taken away or when they cannot reach what they want. This is not naughtiness. It is a young child learning that their wishes matter, without yet having the words to explain them. Calm and simple responses, comfort when it is needed, and a predictable daily rhythm help a baby feel safe while these big feelings grow.

Many places offer a check-up around the first birthday, often together with vaccinations, but the schedule of check-ups and vaccinations differs from country to country. The official contact points where you live and the doctor or nurse who follows your baby will tell you when the next visit is due. It helps to bring your questions written down, together with your baby's health notebook, as described in Chapter 11. Tell the doctor or nurse if your baby seems to lose skills that your baby had before, if your baby does not respond to sounds or to their name, rarely looks at you or points to share things with you, or if anything about your baby's development, eating or sleep worries you. Asking is always right.

Eating and sleeping also change around the first birthday. Many one-year-olds eat a wider range of foods with more texture, and they enjoy feeding themselves with their fingers or a spoon, even when much of the food ends up on the floor. As Chapter 12 explained, a child still eats sitting upright and is never left alone while eating, and the doctor or nurse can tell you how milk and other drinks fit into the day at this age. Many one-year-olds sleep for longer stretches at night than before and still nap during the day, but this differs a great deal between children. Illness, teething and new skills can upset sleep for a while, and a calm bedtime routine and a safe place to sleep still matter for every sleep.

Safety for a Baby Who Stands and Walks

A baby who stands and walks can reach higher places, and home safety needs a fresh look. The safety walk described in Chapter 13 is worth doing again, this time at the height of a standing child. Things that were safe on a low table or a low shelf may now be within reach. A baby who pulls up on furniture can also pull down whatever is on top of it, such as a lamp, a tablecloth with cups on it, or a heavy object. Babies of this age also begin to climb, so a chair next to a counter, a window or a shelf can become a ladder. If you have not fixed heavy furniture and televisions to the wall yet, now is the time.

The same dangers as before still matter, and some grow. Small objects, including small, flat, round batteries and small magnets, still go straight into the mouth and must stay out of reach. Hot drinks, teapots and pans must stay far back on tables and counters, with pan handles turned towards the back of the stove. The cords of blinds, curtains and appliances must stay tied up or out of reach. Stairs need gates at the top and bottom until your child can manage them safely with an adult close by. Windows and balcony doors need locks or limiters, with furniture kept away from them. Cleaning products and medicines belong in a high, locked cupboard, in their original containers, and they must be put away straight after use.

Water and the bathroom need constant care. Never leave your baby alone in the bath, even for a moment, and empty the bath straight after use. A walking baby can also reach toilets, buckets, ponds and paddling pools, and a young child can drown in very little water, quickly and silently. Keep the bathroom door closed, the toilet lid down and buckets empty. Outside the home, stay within arm's reach whenever your child is near any water. Fences and gates around ponds and pools, where they exist, help, but nothing replaces an adult who is watching.

New places need the same care. When you visit grandparents or friends, their home may not be ready for a baby who moves: medicines in a handbag or on a bedside table, cleaning products under a sink, open stairs or a hot oven door. It is fine to ask kindly whether you can move a few things or close a door during your visit. In the car, your child still rides only in a car seat suited to the child's size and age, fitted correctly, on every journey, however short. The instructions that come with the seat explain which sizes it is made for, so check them as your child grows. If your child swallows something harmful, or you are not sure, call the emergency number or a doctor straight away.

Looking Back on the Year's Feelings

The first birthday is a good moment to look back, as the mother in the diary does. Many parents are surprised by how much they have forgotten and how much they have learned. You learned to feed, change, bathe and comfort a baby who once seemed so fragile. You learned to read your baby's signals, to get through nights with little sleep, and to make decisions you never imagined making. You may also have learned things about yourself: what you need, where your limits are, and how strong you can be when you have to be. All of this is worth noticing. Nobody gives parents a certificate at the end of the first year, but this year deserves to be recognised.

The feelings of the year were probably many and mixed. Chapter 3 described the baby blues of the first days, which come to many parents and usually fade within about two weeks. Chapter 6 described the low mood that can stay longer, and Chapter 7 described the worry and the frightening thoughts that many new parents have. Chapter 9 described the feelings of the parent who did not give birth, and Chapter 13 described loneliness and the search for one's old self. Perhaps some of these were part of your year, and perhaps others were. Whatever you felt, it was not a failure. Strong feelings in the first year are a natural response to a huge change in the body, in sleep, in relationships and in daily life.

Looking back, it can help to ask what helped. For many parents, the answers are simple: a person who listened, a night of sleep given by someone else, a midwife, nurse or doctor who took their worries seriously, a friend who sent a message at the right moment, a walk outside, a lower standard for the home. Writing down what helped you is useful, because you can use the same things again. If you have a partner, you might share your lists with each other. You may find that the other person remembers moments of help or kindness that you had forgotten, and that the two of you were a better team than you thought.

Some parts of the year may still hurt to remember. A difficult birth, a time of depression or anxiety, a lonely season, or a conflict in the family can stay in the mind. Looking back does not mean pretending that everything was fine. It can mean saying, gently, that it was hard and that you came through it. If a memory still returns often, or brings strong distress, your doctor, midwife or nurse can listen and explain what kinds of help exist, even long after the birth. As Chapter 7 described, talking about a difficult birth experience can help, and it is never too late to begin.

Many parents also notice how they themselves have changed. Some feel more patient, some more sure of what matters to them, and some more aware of their own needs and limits. Some have new friendships with other parents, and a different relationship with their own parents, now that they understand what those parents once did for them. For couples, the year may have brought hard moments and also a deeper trust, built night by night. Not every change feels good, and some parents still miss parts of their old life, as Chapter 13 described. It is fine to hold both feelings. Becoming a parent does not erase who you were; it adds something new to it.

Into the Second Year

Low mood and worry do not always end neatly with the first birthday. Some parents feel well for months and then have a harder time later, for example when sleep is broken again, when work becomes stressful, or when life brings another change. Some find that feelings from the first year come back in a new form. This does not mean that the earlier help failed or that you are going backwards. If you or your partner feel low, anxious, empty or irritable most days, for more than a couple of weeks, tell your doctor. Asking for help is always right, at any time, and it is a strong and caring act. If thoughts of harming yourself or anyone else ever appear, or you feel you cannot go on, call the emergency number, a crisis line or a doctor straight away, or tell someone close to you at once.

The second year brings new things to prepare for. Your child will probably walk more and more, say more words, eat more of the family's food, want to do things alone and begin to test limits. Daily routines will change again. Your child will also begin to understand simple rules, and limits that are calm, clear and kind, repeated patiently, help a toddler feel safe. Many parents find it helps to keep the good habits of the first year: a calm bedtime routine, time outside every day, reading together, regular meals, and the safe home habits described in this chapter. Check-ups and vaccinations continue on the schedule where you live, and the doctor or nurse who follows your child remains a good person to ask about anything that concerns you.

The second year is also a time to look after the adults. Many couples find that the first year left little room for each other. Small, regular time together, honest talks about how each of you is doing, and a fair share of the work at home help a relationship grow strong again. A parent raising a child alone deserves the same care: rest, company, and people to share the load with. Keep in touch with the friends and other parents you found this year, and go on keeping one small thing for yourself, as Chapter 13 suggested. A rested, supported parent has more patience and warmth to give.

Finally, it is good to celebrate. A first birthday is a celebration of the baby, but it is also a celebration of the parents and of everyone who helped. Many families keep the day simple, with a few close people, a short visit and a quiet evening, because a one-year-old can easily become tired and upset with too much noise and too many people. Photos, a letter to your child to read one day, or a page in a diary like the one in this book can hold the memory of the year. Your child will not remember this birthday, but you will, and that is reason enough to mark it with joy.

A Checklist of Things to Prepare

Questions for the next check-up: write them down, keep them with your baby's health notebook, and ask the official contact points or the doctor's office when the visit is due.

A new safety walk at standing height: look again at tables, shelves, windows, stairs and cupboards, and move anything dangerous higher or behind a lock.

An updated list of phone numbers: check that the emergency number, the doctor, the after-hours line and a crisis line are written where every adult in the home and every carer can find them.

A list of what helped this year: write down the people, habits and small things that helped you, so that you can turn to them again on a hard day.

One person to call on a hard day: choose someone who knows you well, and agree that you will tell each other early when things feel heavy.

Time for the adults: put one small, regular time in the calendar for yourself and, if you have a partner, one for the two of you.

A plan for the second year: talk together about routines, work, childcare and family help, and agree to look at the plan again in a few months.

A page for the memory of this year: a letter, a few photos or a last diary page, kept somewhere safe for the day your child is old enough to read it and to know how much this first year was loved.