Chapter 14: Back to Work, or a New Rhythm

From the Diary

Month 9, a Sunday night. In a few weeks I go back to work. I have written that sentence again and again on this page, because I cannot quite believe it. Part of me is excited: I will wear proper shoes, drink a whole cup of tea while it is still warm, and talk about things I am good at. Another part of me feels sick when I think of handing our daughter to someone else every morning. This week we visited a small nursery and two childminders. We both liked the second childminder very much. Her home was calm and full of light, there were only a few children, and the childminder sat on the floor and played with our daughter while answering our questions. In the car my husband said quietly that this was the one. I nodded.

Month 10, the first week. We started slowly, as the childminder suggested. On the first day I stayed with our daughter the whole time. On the second day I left her for a short while. On the third day she cried when I went, a hard, surprised cry, and I cried in the car around the corner. A little later the childminder sent me a photo: our daughter sitting on a rug with a wooden spoon, perfectly content. I looked at that photo many times. I felt relief, and then I felt guilty for feeling relief, and then I felt silly for feeling guilty. My husband said that maybe I could just feel all of it and let it be.

Month 10, my first day back at work. My colleagues had put flowers on my desk. I had forgotten how quiet an office can be, and how strange it is to go to the bathroom without anyone following you. I checked my phone far too often. At lunch I expressed milk with the breast pump in a small room that my manager had arranged for me, and I felt a little silly and a little proud. When I picked our daughter up, she looked at me, smiled, and then went on playing with her spoon. On the way home I laughed about that. She is fine. I think I will be fine too.

Month 11. Our new rhythm is not perfect, but it is ours. My husband does the mornings: breakfast, nappy, bag, drop-off. I do the pick-up and the evenings. One night we wrote a list of all the small jobs we had never named, such as buying nappies, washing the bottles and remembering to pay the childminder, and we shared them out at the kitchen table. Some weeks I am tired in a new way. Last week, after a few short nights with a teething baby, I felt the old greyness come close again, and this time I said so out loud instead of hiding it. My husband took the next nights. The grey moved away. I am learning that saying it early helps most of all.

Choosing Your Path

Towards the end of the first year, many families face a decision about work. Some parents go back to paid work, full time or part time. Some return to study. Some stay at home with the baby for longer, and some change their work completely. In some families both parents work outside the home, and in others one parent stays at home for a while. A parent raising a child alone may have fewer choices and more pressure. Each of these paths is valid. There is no single right answer, and the best plan is the one that fits your family, your money, your health and your baby, and that you can change later if it stops working.

Parental leave, the right to return to your job, payments during leave, working hours for new parents, breaks for feeding or expressing milk, and the kinds of childcare that are available all differ from country to country, and sometimes from one area or one employer to another. The official contact points where you live, such as the local public health office, the local office that deals with families and childcare, or the nurse who follows your baby, can tell you what applies to you. Your employer, or the people who handle staff questions at your workplace, can explain the rules at work. Asking early, some months before you plan to go back, gives you time to think and to arrange things calmly.

The feelings around this decision are often mixed, like the mother's feelings in the diary. Many parents feel excited to return to work and sad to leave the baby, both on the same day. Some feel guilty whatever they choose: guilty for going back, or guilty for not going back. Some feel judged by family, friends or strangers. These feelings are common, and they do not mean that you have made the wrong choice. Babies can do well with many kinds of care when the people who look after them are warm, reliable and attentive. What matters most is not which path you take, but that your baby is cared for kindly and that you are looking after yourself too.

Staying at home with a baby is a full and serious job, even when it is not paid. Parents who stay at home can feel lonely or unseen, and they may miss the structure and recognition that work gave them, as Chapter 13 described. Parents who go back to work may miss moments with the baby and feel that they are always rushing from one place to the next. Whatever your path, it helps to talk about it openly with your partner, if you have one, or with someone close to you. Ask each other what you need, what you fear, and what would make the next months easier. A decision that you make together, and look at again later, is easier to live with.

It can help to think the decision through in practical terms as well as in feelings. You might write down what each choice would mean for your family's money, for the time spent travelling, for the hours each parent is away from home, and for the support you have nearby. Some parents ask their employer whether a gradual return is possible, such as fewer hours at first or some work from home, where the work and the rules allow it. Some families try a plan for a few months and then look at it again together. Writing the plan down, with the reasons for it, makes it easier to explain to family members who have their own views, and easier to change when your needs change.

Childcare and Settling In

When parents go back to work or study, babies are cared for in many different ways. Some families rely on a grandparent or another relative. Some choose a childminder, a person who cares for a small group of children in his or her own home. Some choose a nursery or a day care centre, where trained staff care for groups of children. Some parents share the care between them by working at different hours. Each kind of care has its own strengths. Which kinds exist, how they are checked and how they are paid for differ by country and by area, and the official contact points where you live can explain the choices near you.

Visiting before you decide helps. You can look at how calm and clean the place is, where the children sleep and eat, and how the carers speak to the children and comfort them. You can ask about the daily rhythm and about sleep, including whether babies sleep on their backs on a firm, flat surface of their own, as described in Chapter 8. You can ask how meals and allergies are handled, what happens when a child is unwell, and how the carer will tell you about your baby's day. Trust your own sense too. Like the parents in the diary, many parents know quite quickly when a carer is warm and attentive with their baby.

Settling in is easier for most babies when it happens slowly. Many carers suggest a few short visits with a parent present, then short times apart, then longer ones, before the first full day. In the second half of the first year, many babies begin to feel strongly about the people they know and become upset when a parent leaves. This is often called separation anxiety. It is a normal sign of a strong bond, not a sign that something is wrong. A short, warm goodbye helps: say goodbye clearly, give a kiss or a wave, and leave. Slipping away without saying goodbye can make a baby more worried the next time, because the parent seems to disappear without warning.

Your own feelings at the door matter too. Many parents cry on the first days, or feel a strange emptiness, and then feel relief when they hear that the baby played and ate well. Carers are used to this and can usually send a message or tell you at pick-up how the day went. Most babies settle in over some days or weeks, and it is common for a baby to cry at drop-off and then calm down soon after the parent has gone. If your baby still seems very unhappy after a long time, or if something about the care worries you, talk to the carer, and if needed to the doctor or nurse who follows your baby.

A good relationship with the carer helps your baby feel safe. Tell the carer how your baby usually sleeps, eats and likes to be comforted, which words and games your baby knows, and anything about your baby's health that the carer should know, such as an allergy. A familiar comfort toy, or a piece of cloth that smells of home, can help some babies in the first weeks. Many carers keep a short daily note or send a message about meals, sleep and play, and you can share news from home in the same way, for example a bad night or a new tooth. When parents and carers talk openly and kindly, small problems are usually solved before they grow.

Mornings, Evenings and Sharing the Work

The hours before and after work are often the hardest part of the day. Everyone is tired, the baby may be hungry, and there are many small tasks to fit into a short time. A simple plan helps. Many families prepare as much as they can the evening before: the baby's bag, clothes for everyone, bottles or food for the next day, and the things for work. In the morning, the aim is a calm start rather than a perfect one. In the evening, a short and predictable routine, such as dinner, a bath or a wash, a feed, a story and bed, helps many babies settle, and it helps parents too.

Sharing the work fairly matters more than ever when both parents are busy. Baby care includes many tasks that are easy to forget because nobody sees them: noticing that the nappies are running out, booking the next check-up, remembering a payment, washing the bottles, knowing which clothes still fit. Writing all these tasks down, as the parents in the diary did, makes them visible. Then each task can have an owner. Fair does not always mean equal on every single day. It means that both parents feel that the load is shared, and that the plan can change when one of them is unwell or very tired.

A plan for the days when things go wrong saves a lot of stress. Babies who start childcare often catch more colds in the first months, as they meet many new germs, and a carer may ask you to keep your baby at home when your baby is unwell. Childminders and nurseries also close sometimes. It helps to decide ahead of time who will stay at home, who else can be called for help, and what you can say at work. If you are raising your child alone, a short list of people who could step in on such a day is especially important. Chapter 11 explains how to watch a baby who is unwell and when to call a doctor.

Time for the two of you, and time for yourself, can disappear in the rush. A busy week with work and a baby can leave partners feeling like two colleagues who pass each other at the door. Small moments help: a cup of tea together after the baby is asleep, a short walk at the weekend, a few minutes to talk about something other than the baby. A parent raising a child alone also needs moments of rest and company, and it is fine to ask a friend or relative to make room for them. These small times are not a luxury. They help you keep the patience and warmth that your baby needs from you.

The moment of pick-up deserves a little care. After a day apart, many babies want to be held close, to feed, or simply to be near the parent, and some become fussy or cry as soon as they see the parent, which is often a sign of relief rather than unhappiness. Many parents find it helps to give the first minutes at home to the baby, before the cooking and the messages, even if dinner is a little later. A tired parent and a tired baby together at the end of the day can be hard, so keep the evening simple, and let the other parent, if you have one, take over for a while when you need a short break.

Feeding, Sleep and Your Mood in the Change

A change in routine often changes feeding too. Some mothers who breastfeed go on breastfeeding when they return to work, feeding the baby in the morning and the evening and expressing milk during the day, as the mother in the diary did. Others give infant formula during the day and breastfeed at home, and others move fully to infant formula or, closer to the first birthday, to the drinks and foods that the doctor or nurse advises. Each of these is a valid choice. Whether your workplace must give you time and a private place to express milk depends on the rules where you live and on your employer. A midwife, nurse or feeding helper can help you plan the change gently.

If you express milk, a few general points help. Clean hands and clean equipment, and storing and carrying the milk as the doctor, midwife or nurse advises and as the instructions with the breast pump explain, keep the milk safe. Ask the carer how they will store and warm the milk, and label it clearly. If you want to give fewer breastfeeds, many health workers suggest making the change slowly, so that the breasts have time to adjust and the baby has time to get used to the new pattern. If a breast becomes painful, red or hot, or if you feel feverish or unwell, contact a doctor or midwife.

Sleep can change too. A baby who is starting childcare may sleep more or less than before, may be very tired in the evening, or may wake more at night for a while, wanting closeness after a day apart. Teething, colds and new skills such as pulling up to stand can also disturb sleep at this age. These changes usually pass. Keeping a calm bedtime routine helps, and so do the same safe sleep basics as before: on the back, on a firm, flat surface of the baby's own, with no pillows, soft toys, bumpers or loose blankets, in a smoke-free home. Parents who work need sleep too, so sharing the nights fairly matters just as much as in the early months.

Keep an eye on your own mood during the change, and on your partner's mood. Going back to work, or deciding not to, is one of the big changes of the first year, and big changes can bring tiredness, worry and low mood, even for a parent who has felt well for months. As Chapter 6 explained, postnatal depression can begin at any time in the first year, and as Chapter 9 explained, the other parent can be affected too. If you feel low, anxious, empty or irritable most days, for more than a couple of weeks, tell your doctor, midwife or nurse. Saying it early, as the mother in the diary did, is a strong and caring step, and help exists.

Being kind to yourself in this time also means lowering your expectations. You do not need to be a perfect worker and a perfect parent in the same week. A simpler dinner, a messier home and a few unanswered messages are fine. Many parents find that the first weeks back are the hardest, and that a new rhythm slowly forms. If, after some time, the plan you made does not work for your family, it is fine to change it. A new rhythm is something you build together, and you can always build it again.

A Checklist of Things to Prepare

Questions for the official contact points and for your workplace: write down what you want to know about leave, working hours, breaks for feeding and childcare where you live, and ask early.

A short list of possible carers: visit them, ask about sleep, meals, allergies and illness, and notice how they speak to the children.

A settling-in plan: arrange a few short visits with your baby before the first full day, and a simple goodbye that you use every time.

A bag packed the evening before: clothes, nappies, milk or food, a comfort toy if your baby has one, and a note of anything the carer should know.

A written list of the hidden jobs: write down every small task of baby care and the home, and agree who does each one.

A plan for a sick day: decide who stays at home, who can be called, and what you will say at work when your baby is unwell or the carer is closed.

A feeding plan for the change: talk to a midwife, nurse or feeding helper about expressing milk, infant formula or fewer feeds, and make any change slowly.

A weekly check on your mood: ask yourself, and your partner if you have one, how you are really feeling, and tell your doctor, midwife or nurse if a low mood stays.