Chapter 13: On the Move

From the Diary

Month 7, a grey morning. Our daughter has discovered that the whole world can go into her mouth. This morning it was a corner of the newspaper, a sock, my husband's keys and, when I turned around for one moment, a dry leaf that must have come in on someone's shoe. She is not crawling yet, but she rolls and twists and pushes herself backwards across the floor, and she is surprisingly fast for someone who cannot really move. I laughed, and then I got down on my knees and looked under the sofa. I found coins, a button and a hair clip. I had no idea they were there. I put them all in a jar on a high shelf, and I felt that the house I knew had become a different place overnight.

Month 7, late at night. I want to write something honest here. Today I missed my old life so much that it hurt. I miss walking out of the door with only a bag on my shoulder. I miss talking about things that have nothing to do with sleep or nappies. My colleagues sent a photo from a lunch together, and I smiled at it and then cried in the kitchen. I love our daughter more than I can say. Both things are true at the same time, and I am learning that I do not have to choose one of them. When my husband came home, I told him, and he did not try to fix it. He just said that he sometimes missed our old life too, and that he loved the person I am now very much.

Month 8. She crawls! Not gracefully, one knee and one foot at first, but she crawls, and she crawls straight towards anything she should not have. We spent Saturday on our hands and knees, looking at the house from her height. My husband fixed the tall bookcase to the wall, we tied up the cords of the blinds, and we moved the cleaning things from under the sink to a high cupboard with a lock. My mother visited and watched all this with a smile. She said we never had any of these things when I was small, and I felt a little annoyed. Then she got down on the floor too and found a loose cable behind the television that we had all missed.

Month 9. This evening our daughter pulled herself up on the edge of the sofa and stood there, wobbling and very proud, looking at me as if to ask whether I had seen. I had seen. My husband's parents phoned and gave us a long list of advice, and for once I simply thanked them and did what we had already decided. I have also started going to a group for parents and babies on Thursday mornings. My friend from the parents' class came with her son, and for a whole morning I talked to other adults while the babies crawled over each other. On the way home I noticed that I was humming. I still have hard days. But I know now that I am still here inside this new life, and I am slowly finding my way back to myself.

A Baby Who Explores

Like the baby in the diary, many babies in the second half of the first year begin to move on their own. Some roll from place to place, some push themselves backwards first, some crawl on hands and knees, and some shuffle along on their bottom and never crawl at all. Many babies sit, crawl, stand and take their first steps somewhere across the second half of the first year, and the range is wide. The way a baby moves matters less than the fact that the baby is slowly becoming more active and more curious. If you have a worry about how your baby moves, or about how your baby uses both sides of the body, the doctor or nurse who follows your baby is the right person to ask.

Putting things into the mouth is a normal part of this stage. A baby learns about the shape, weight, texture and taste of things by holding them, turning them over and tasting them. The mouth is very sensitive, so for a baby it is one of the best tools for exploring the world. This is also why a moving baby needs a safer home: a baby who can reach new places will try to taste whatever is found there, and a baby cannot yet tell a toy from a coin or a crumb from a battery. Offering safe things to explore, such as large, sturdy toys, soft books and clean household objects without small parts, gives your baby something good to do with all this curiosity.

Play changes as your baby begins to move. A baby who crawls often enjoys chasing a rolling ball, crawling over a low pile of cushions on the floor while you watch, finding a toy hidden under a cloth, or banging two wooden spoons together. Simple games, such as hiding your face behind your hands and showing it again, help your baby learn that people and things still exist when they cannot be seen. Talking as you play, naming what your baby touches and answering your baby's sounds, gives your baby a great deal to learn from. Play does not need special toys or a lot of time; a few minutes on the floor together, with your full attention, is one of the best parts of the day.

A moving baby also brings new feelings for you. Many parents feel delight and pride at the first crawl, and in the same week they feel worn out from following a baby who never stays in one place. You may find that you can no longer leave the room for a moment while your baby plays on the floor, or that tasks that were easy now take much longer. Some parents also feel a small sadness, because the baby who once lay still in their arms is growing up so fast. All of this is normal. It helps to remember that the busy stage is also a good sign: your baby feels safe enough with you to move away for a little while and then come back.

Watching closely matters more now than ever. Most accidents at home happen quickly, in a moment when a parent is busy with something else, and they are not a sign that anyone is careless. A safer home does not replace watching, but it gives you a little more room to breathe. When you need a few minutes to cook, shower or answer the door, a safe place helps: a cot or a play area with nothing in it that the baby could climb on or swallow, or another adult who watches the baby while you are busy. Never leave your baby alone on a raised surface, such as a bed, a sofa or a changing table, because a moving baby can roll or crawl off the edge very fast.

Making Your Home Safer

Many health guides suggest a simple first step: get down on the floor and look at each room from your baby's height, the way the parents in the diary did. From down there you will see things that adults rarely notice, such as cables behind furniture, small objects under the sofa, low cupboards that open easily and the edges of tablecloths that a small hand can pull. Doing this in every room, and again every few weeks as your baby grows, turns home safety into a habit rather than one big job. If your home has stairs, a balcony, a garden, a fireplace or a pet, think about each of these too, and about the places your baby visits often, such as a grandparent's home.

Small objects are one of the most important things to look for. Anything small enough to fit into a baby's mouth can cause choking, including coins, buttons, marbles, pen tops, pieces of broken toys, whole nuts and the small parts of older children's games. Small, flat, round batteries, the kind used in remote controls, watches and small devices, are especially dangerous, and so are small strong magnets: if swallowed, they can cause serious harm inside the body very quickly. Keep these things out of reach, and check that the battery covers on toys and devices are firmly closed. If you think your baby has swallowed a battery, a magnet or anything else harmful, call the emergency number or a doctor straight away, even if your baby seems well.

Heat and the kitchen need special care. A hot drink can scald a baby's skin badly even some time after it was made, so never hold a hot drink while you hold your baby, and put cups and teapots far back on tables and counters, where a baby cannot reach them or pull them down. Tablecloths and placemats that hang over the edge can be pulled, bringing everything on top with them. When you cook, turn pan handles towards the back of the stove, cook at the back of the stove where you can, and keep the cords of kettles and other appliances out of reach. Irons, hair tools, ovens and heaters also stay hot for some time after use. Hot water can burn too, so check the bath water every time, as described in Chapter 3.

Cords, stairs, windows and furniture are the next things to check. The cords of blinds and curtains can wrap around a baby's neck, so tie them up high or fix them so that they stay out of reach, and keep the cot and other furniture away from windows and from any cord. Electrical cables can be tucked away or kept behind furniture. Safety gates at the top and bottom of the stairs stop a crawling baby from climbing up or falling down, and a gate at the top of the stairs should be the kind that is screwed firmly to the wall. Windows and balcony doors can be fitted with locks or limiters so that they open only a little, and anything a baby could climb on is best kept away from them. Heavy furniture such as bookcases, chests of drawers and televisions can tip over when a baby pulls on them, so fix them to the wall.

Cleaning products and medicines must be stored out of reach and, best of all, locked away. Many families keep them under the sink or in a low bathroom cabinet, but a crawling baby reaches low cupboards first. Move them to a high cupboard with a lock or a child safety catch, keep them in their original containers, and put them away straight after use. Remember that the bags and coats of visitors may hold medicines too, so keep them off the floor and out of reach. Water is the other great danger: a baby can drown in very little water, very quickly and without a sound. Never leave your baby alone in the bath, even for a moment, empty the bath straight after use, and keep buckets, basins and paddling pools empty.

Still Being Yourself

Many parents, like the mother in the diary, find that the middle of the first year brings a quiet question: who am I now? The first months were often so full of feeding, sleep and worry that there was little time to think about anything else. As the baby grows and the days take on a rhythm, there is a little more room, and in that room some parents notice how much has changed. You may miss work, friends, hobbies, freedom, or simply the feeling of being an adult among adults. Missing your old life does not mean that you love your baby less. It means that you are a whole person with a past, and that you are still in the middle of a very big change.

Loneliness is very common in this stage, even in families with a lot of love. Many parents at home with a baby spend long days without a real conversation with another adult. Friends who have no children may not understand why you cannot meet in the evening, and you may not have the energy to explain. Some friendships become quieter for a while, and others become closer. It can help to tell one or two friends honestly what your days look like, and to suggest ways of meeting that work with a baby, such as a walk in daylight or a visit at your home. Many friends are glad to be asked and simply did not know what to offer.

Finding other parents can make a big difference. Groups for parents and babies, local play sessions, libraries with times for babies, walks with other parents, or the people you met in a parents' class before the birth can all be places to begin. The official contact points where you live, such as the local public health office or the nurse who follows your baby, often know what exists nearby. The first visit to a new group can feel awkward, and that is normal too. Many parents find that a group feels familiar only after a few visits, and that one good conversation with another parent can lift a whole week.

Keeping one small thing for yourself is not selfish. It can be a short walk alone, a book, music, a hobby, a phone call with a friend, a class, or a little quiet time while someone else watches the baby. Small things, kept regularly, help many parents feel like themselves again. A partner, if you have one, or someone close to you can protect this time for you, just as you protect theirs. If the loneliness or sadness stays most days, for more than a couple of weeks, or if you lose interest in things you used to enjoy, please tell your doctor, midwife or nurse. As Chapter 6 explained, postnatal depression can begin at any time in the first year, and help exists.

The relationship between partners also changes in this stage. Many couples find that they talk mostly about the baby, or that they feel more like a team of tired workers than a couple. One partner may feel that the other has kept more of the old life, for example by going out to work every day, while the other may feel left out of the closeness between the baby and the parent at home. These feelings are common, and they are easier to carry when they are said out loud, kindly and early. A short talk at the end of the week about how each of you is really doing, and one small shared moment that is not about the baby, can help you find each other again.

Family, Grandparents and Advice

Grandparents and other family members can be a wonderful help in the first year. They may hold the baby while you rest, cook a meal, take the baby for a walk, or simply keep you company. Like the mother's own mother in the diary, they may also notice things that tired parents miss. Many families find that help works best when it is clear. Instead of a general offer to help with anything, a family member who comes to do one particular thing, such as bath time, a meal or a morning with the baby, often gives the most relief. It is fine to ask for the kind of help you need, and to say kindly which kinds of help you do not need.

Advice often comes together with help, and it can be harder to receive. Ideas about baby care have changed over the years, as health guides have learned more. Some things that were common when the grandparents were young parents, for example about how babies sleep or when to start solid food, are no longer what doctors and nurses advise today. Grandparents usually give advice out of love and from their own experience, and they may feel hurt if it is not taken. At the same time, you are the parents now, and decisions about your baby are yours to make, together with the doctor, midwife or nurse who follows your baby.

Kind, clear words help in these moments. You might thank the person first and then say what you have decided, for example by explaining that you are grateful for the thought and that the nurse has advised you to do things another way. You do not have to argue or prove anything. Saying that this is what your doctor or nurse advises can take the weight off the conversation, because it is no longer about who is right. When the advice is about something that is only a matter of taste, such as clothes or toys, letting it go can also be a gift to the relationship. If you have a partner, agree beforehand on the important points, so that you can answer calmly and together.

Different families and different generations have many ways of caring for babies, and many of them are warm and good. Grandparents can share songs, stories, games and family traditions that give your baby a sense of belonging. It can help to tell them what you like about what they do, as well as what you would like them to do differently. Some grandparents live far away or cannot help, and some parents have no family nearby at all. In that case, friends, neighbours and other parents can become a kind of family too, and building that circle slowly is part of the work of this year.

A Checklist of Things to Prepare

A safety walk on your knees: look at each room from your baby's height, write down what you find, and check again every few weeks as your baby learns to move further and reach higher.

A jar or box on a high shelf: keep one place for the small things you find on the floor, such as coins, buttons and batteries, so that they have somewhere safe to go at once.

A high, locked cupboard: move cleaning products and medicines out of low cupboards before your baby crawls, and keep them in their original containers.

Fixings for heavy furniture and cords: fix bookcases, chests of drawers and televisions to the wall, and tie the cords of blinds and curtains up out of reach.

Safety gates and window locks: fit gates at the top and bottom of the stairs, and locks or limiters on windows, before your baby starts to climb.

The emergency number and the doctor's number near the phone: keep them where every adult in the home can see them, in case your baby swallows something harmful. A short first aid course for babies, if one is offered where you live, can also give you confidence.

One regular time with other adults each week: choose a group, a walk or a call with a friend, and put it in your calendar like any other appointment.

A few kind words for advice: agree with your partner, if you have one, or with yourself, on how you will answer family advice, so that you can say it calmly when the moment comes.