Afterword

A baby's first year is made of very small moments that are repeated many times: a feed in the dark, a nappy at dawn, a walk around the block, a hand on a warm back until the breathing slows. Most of these moments are seen by nobody except the parent and the baby. They are rarely praised, and yet they are how a family is built, one ordinary day at a time. If you have lived some of these days already, you have done more than you may think.

In this book I have tried to set the basic knowledge of baby care next to the feelings that come with it, because in real life the two are never apart. A parent learns how to bathe a baby on the same day that the tears of the first days arrive. A parent learns about safe sleep while being more tired than ever before. The care of the baby and the care of the parent belong together, and a baby is helped most by parents who are helped too.

If there is one thing I hope you will remember, it is that the hard feelings of this year are common, they are nobody's fault, and they are not a measure of how good a parent you are. The baby blues, the grey days that do not lift, the worry that will not stop, the frightening thoughts and the tiredness that changes your patience are all things that doctors, midwives and nurses know well. Telling someone early is not a sign of weakness. It is one of the strongest and most caring things a parent can do.

Please be as kind to yourself as you are to your baby. Eat, rest when you can, accept help, and keep close the people who answer your messages at night. Your baby does not need a perfect parent. Your baby needs a parent who keeps coming back, day after day, with warmth and patience. At the end of this year, you will look at the small person in your arms and see how far the two of you have come together.

Reading This Book Together

This book can be read alone, but many parents find it helpful to read a chapter together and talk about it afterwards. Both parents can read the same chapter in the same week, so that conversations about the night, the feeding or the low days start from shared knowledge. Grandparents and other relatives who help with the baby can read the chapters on safe sleep, crying and home safety, so that everyone who cares for the baby follows the same plan. A parent who is raising a child alone can share a chapter with a friend, a relative or another new parent.

When you talk about a chapter, begin with what is going well, and then talk about what is hard. Let each person speak about their own feelings without being corrected. Look at the checklist at the end of the chapter together and choose one or two things to prepare in the coming week. Write down what you decide, and come back to it after a few weeks to see what has changed. The questions below, one for each chapter, can help to start the conversation.

One Question for Each Chapter

Chapter 1: In the first days at home, whom could you call at night, and which tasks could visitors take over so that you can rest?

Chapter 2: Which part of your recovery needs the most rest or help right now, and who could take over one task so that your body can heal?

Chapter 3: What helps you on a day of tears, and who is the person you could tell, "I cried again today"?

Chapter 4: What would make feeding feel calmer for you and your baby, whether with breast milk, infant formula or both, and how can the night be shared?

Chapter 5: Which calming ways work for your baby, and what is your plan for the moment when the crying becomes too much?

Chapter 6: If a low mood stayed most days, for more than a couple of weeks, whom would you tell first, and what words would you use?

Chapter 7: Which worry or thought would you like to say out loud to a doctor or midwife, and what would help you begin that conversation?

Chapter 8: How can each adult in your home protect one longer stretch of sleep, and is every place where your baby sleeps a safe one?

Chapter 9: How is the other parent really feeling, or, if you are raising your baby alone, who is on your team?

Chapter 10: What new thing has your baby done lately that made you smile, and what do you want to ask at the next check-up?

Chapter 11: Where are the important phone numbers and the list of warning signs kept, and does everyone who cares for your baby know where to find them?

Chapter 12: What would make mealtimes a calm, shared time in your home, and what do you want to ask the doctor or nurse about allergies and choking?

Chapter 13: Which small thing just for yourself can you keep each week, and how would you like to answer advice from your family?

Chapter 14: Which path fits your family after the time of leave, and how will you share the hidden jobs and watch your mood during the change?

Chapter 15: Looking back at this year, what helped you most, and to whom will you turn if a hard day comes in the second year?

Words Used in This Book

Baby blues: a time of tearfulness, mood swings and feeling overwhelmed that is very common after giving birth. The baby blues usually begin a few days after the birth and fade within about two weeks.

Check-up: a planned visit at which a doctor or nurse looks at how a baby is growing and developing, or at how the mother is recovering after the birth. When check-ups take place differs from country to country.

Crisis line: a phone line where trained people listen and help when someone is in deep distress, feels that they cannot go on or has thoughts of harming themselves. Your doctor or the official contact points where you live can tell you the number.

Emergency number: the phone number to call for urgent help, for example when someone has trouble breathing or is in danger. Learn the number where you live and keep it where every adult in the home can see it.

Feeding cues: the early signs that a baby is ready to feed, such as turning the head, opening the mouth and sucking on the hands. Crying is a late sign, so feeding at the early cues is often calmer.

Infant formula: milk made especially for babies, which can be given instead of breast milk or together with it. It is prepared exactly as the package and the health worker say, with clean equipment.

Midwife: a health worker trained to care for women during pregnancy, birth and the weeks after the birth, and for newborn babies. In many places a midwife also visits families at home.

Milestones: new skills that babies learn as they grow, such as smiling, following a face with the eyes, making sounds, rolling, sitting, crawling, standing and taking first steps. Every baby reaches them on their own path, and the range is wide.

Official contact point: the public offices and health workers where you live who can tell you which check-ups, vaccinations, home visits, leave and support apply to your family. Examples are the local public health office, your doctor, your midwife and the nurse who follows your baby.

Postnatal anxiety: worry after a baby arrives that is constant and hard to switch off, with a racing mind, tension or checking things again and again. It is common, and telling a doctor or midwife about it helps.

Postnatal depression: a low mood after a baby arrives that is there most days, for more than a couple of weeks, often with emptiness, guilt, worry or loss of interest. It can begin at any time in the first year, it can affect either parent, and help exists.

Safe sleep: the way of putting a baby to sleep that health guides advise: on the back, on a firm, flat surface of the baby's own, with no pillows, soft toys, bumpers or loose blankets, in a smoke-free home and not too warm.

Solid food: food other than milk, which usually starts around six months, first soft, smooth or mashed and then with more texture. Breast milk or infant formula stays important through the first year.

Tummy time: time that a baby spends lying on the tummy while awake and watched by an adult. It helps the baby grow stronger in the neck, shoulders and arms.

Where to Turn for Help

Your doctor, your midwife and the nurse who follows your baby are the first people to ask about your baby's health, feeding, sleep and growth, and about your own recovery and mood. Write your questions down as they come, bring them to every visit, and answer honestly when they ask how you are. They hear the same worries from many new parents, and no question is too small.

The official contact points where you live, such as the local public health office, can tell you about check-ups, vaccination schedules, home visits, registering a birth, parental leave, childcare and other support. These differ from country to country, so the people where you live are the best ones to ask what applies to your family. They can often tell you about groups for new parents, help at home and support for a parent who is raising a child alone.

If you ever have thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, or if you feel that you cannot go on, please get help straight away: call the emergency number, a crisis line or a doctor now, or tell someone close to you at once. In the first weeks after the birth, very sudden and unusual changes in a mother, such as confusion, seeing or hearing things that others do not, strange beliefs or very unusual behaviour, need emergency help at once. When your baby shows a sign that needs help now, such as trouble breathing, blue or grey lips, being very floppy or hard to wake, or a seizure, call the emergency number. Asking for help in these moments is a strong and caring act.

Your partner, if you have one, your family, your friends and other new parents are part of your help too. Tell at least one of them how you really feel, and let them know what would help: a meal, an hour of sleep, a walk, a message at night. Nobody is meant to care for a baby alone, and the people who love you are often glad to be asked.

About the Information in This Book

The knowledge in this book is the basic knowledge that doctors, midwives and nurses explain to new parents, and that public health guides for families describe: recovery after the birth, feeding, crying, safe sleep, warning signs, development, check-ups, first foods, home safety and the feelings of parents after a baby arrives. It is explained here in plain words and set next to the everyday moments of one family's year.

Your doctor, your midwife and the official contact points where you live know you, your baby and the support around you, and they can tell you what applies to you and your baby. Bring the checklists and your questions from this book to them, and let them guide the next steps. If anything concerns you, ask a doctor or midwife.