Chapter 10: A Letter to Those Who Lead

A Letter from Kwame

Dear Jiwoo, three months ago I was made the leader of the team I have worked in for eight years. We are nine technicians who repair and service lifts in large buildings: offices, hospitals and apartment blocks. I was chosen because I am good at the technical side and because the others trust me. On the day it was announced, they took me out for a meal and joked that they would now have to call me "boss". I was happy and proud.

Now I am not sure that I am the right person. Yesterday one of my oldest friends on the team, a man called Joseph, did not come in, and when I called him he said that he could not face it. I did not know what to say. I told him to rest and that we would cover his jobs, and then I spent the rest of the day worrying that I had said the wrong thing.

Last week a younger technician, Mira, made a mistake that could have been dangerous, and I only found out by accident. When I asked her why she had not told me, she said that she was afraid of getting into trouble. I keep thinking about what could have happened, and about why she did not feel able to come to me.

My own manager talks only about numbers: response times, completed jobs and customer complaints. There is pressure from above to do more with the same people. I find myself standing between the team and the office, trying to protect one and please the other, and doing neither very well. I sleep badly, and my wife says I am always on my phone.

Nobody taught me how to lead people. They taught me how to fix lifts. What does a good leader do for the minds of the people in his team? And how do I stay well myself while I learn? Kwame

Dear Kwame

Thank you for your letter. I want to begin by saying that the very fact you wrote it tells me something important about you. Many people who become leaders worry first about whether they are respected, or whether they will reach their targets. You are worrying about whether Joseph is all right and why Mira was afraid to speak. Those are exactly the questions a good leader should be asking. You are not the wrong person. You are a person in the early, uncomfortable months of learning a new job, which is a very different thing.

This letter is a little different from the others in this book, because it is addressed to someone who leads. But I hope that every reader will find something in it. Many people lead others in some way without having the title: a parent, an older brother or sister, the most experienced person on a shift, the one who organizes the volunteers. And everyone who works has been led, well or badly, and knows how much it matters. I will write about how leaders shape the mind at work, about making it safe to speak up, about fair workloads, about noticing, and finally about your own health. You placed your own health last in your letter, Kwame, and I do not want to leave it last at all.

Why the Leader Matters So Much

When you compare what different sources say about mental health at work, one point comes up again and again: the person you work for has a great influence on how you feel at work. International organizations that work on health and on work have recommended that managers receive training in supporting the mental health of their teams. Their reason is simple. Managers are often the first to notice when something is wrong, and they are often the ones who can change the conditions that cause strain.

Workplace-safety agencies describe the main sources of stress at work in similar ways. Their lists usually include the amount of work, the control people have over their tasks, the support they receive, how clear their roles are, the quality of relationships at work, and the way change is handled. Almost every item on these lists is shaped, at least partly, by the person who leads the team. That is a lot of influence, and it can be used for good or for harm, often without the leader noticing which.

This can sound like a heavy weight to put on one person, so let me balance it straight away. The sources also agree that a leader is not a doctor, a counsellor or a therapist, and should not try to be one. Your job is not to diagnose anyone or to solve every personal problem. Your job is to shape the everyday conditions of work so that people can do it well without being harmed, to notice when someone is struggling, to respond with care, and to know where to point people for further help. That is a large job, but it is a job that can be learned, in the same way that you once learned to repair a lift.

Traditional wisdom has many sayings about leaders, and many of them point in the same direction. One very old saying holds that the best leaders are those whose people say, when the work is done, "We did this ourselves." Another familiar picture compares a good leader to a gardener rather than a builder: someone who cannot make the plants grow, but can give them light, water and room. I find these sayings useful because they remind us that leading is not mainly about standing in front. It is about creating the conditions in which others can do their best.

Here the sources differ in an interesting way. Many popular books about leadership focus on personality: the leader who inspires, who gives stirring speeches and who has a strong vision. Workplace-safety agencies and public mental health guides put much more weight on ordinary, steady behaviour. They speak of leaders who are fair, predictable and honest, who keep their promises, who explain decisions, and who treat people the same way on a bad day as on a good one. Both kinds of qualities can be valuable. But for the minds of the people in a team, the quiet, steady kind seems to matter most, and it is the kind that anyone can learn.

Making It Safe to Speak

Let me start with Mira, because I think her story holds a key. She made a mistake that could have been dangerous, and she did not tell you because she was afraid of getting into trouble. In work like yours, where safety matters so much, this is exactly what a leader most needs to prevent. I do not mean the mistake itself, because people will always make some mistakes. I mean the silence afterwards.

Psychology textbooks and general explanations of research describe something often called psychological safety. The phrase means a shared feeling in a team that it is safe to speak up: to ask a question, admit a mistake, raise a worry or suggest an idea without being humiliated or punished for it. Research on teams suggests that teams with this kind of safety tend to learn faster and catch problems earlier, not because they make fewer mistakes, but because they talk about their mistakes sooner. In work where safety matters, such as hospitals, flying and, I would add, lifts in tall buildings, this can make a great difference.

How do you build it? The sources suggest some simple habits. When someone tells you about a mistake, thank them first, before you discuss what went wrong. Talk about what in the work made the mistake possible, not only about who made it. Admit your own mistakes openly, so that others see that it is normal. Ask questions in meetings, and then wait, even through an uncomfortable silence, for an answer. When someone raises a worry, follow it up, so that they know that speaking up leads to something.

Let me give you a glimpse of how this looks somewhere else. On a hospital ward I once visited, the nurse in charge began every handover between shifts with the same question: "What worried you today?" At first the nurses gave polite answers. After a few weeks they began to mention the small things: a patient who seemed confused, a machine that made an odd noise, a meal that had been missed. The nurse in charge told me that the question cost her two minutes a day and had prevented more problems than she could count. She also said that the most important part was not the question, but what she did when people answered it.

You might talk to Mira again, Kwame, not to discuss the mistake, but to tell her that you would always rather know, and that she will not get into trouble for telling you. Then, over time, show the whole team the same thing through your actions. It will not happen overnight. But trust grows in a team in the same way it grows between two people, through many small moments when someone speaks and is not hurt for it.

Fair Loads and Clear Roles

You wrote that there is pressure from above to do more with the same people, and that you feel caught between the team and the office. This is one of the most common experiences of people who lead teams, and many sources describe it as one of the hardest. You cannot always change the targets. But there are things that a leader can often do, and they matter more than they seem.

The first is to make the workload visible. Workplace-safety agencies often say that too much work for the time and people available is one of the main sources of strain at work. Sometimes the people above a team do not fully see the load, especially if they look only at numbers. You might keep a simple record of how many jobs come in, how long they take and where the delays happen, and then share it calmly with your manager, together with some suggestions. A clear picture is harder to ignore than a complaint, and it gives your manager something to take to the people above them.

The second is to share the work fairly within the team. Teams notice very quickly when some people always get the easy jobs and others always get the hard ones, and unfairness eats away at trust. Being fair does not mean giving everyone the same tasks. It means making decisions in an open way that the team can understand, and checking from time to time whether the load has drifted onto the same few shoulders.

Fairness also applies to rest. In work like yours, where emergencies can happen at any hour, it is easy for the same willing people to answer every late call. A leader can protect the team's rest by sharing out on-call duties openly, by making sure that someone who worked through the night is not expected back early the next morning, and by treating breaks as part of the job rather than as a favour. These are small decisions, but over months they decide whether a team is tired or worn out.

The third is to make roles and expectations clear. Many people feel strain at work not because of the work itself, but because they are not sure what is expected of them, or because they receive conflicting messages from different people. A short conversation in which you say, "This is what I need from you this week, and this is what can wait," can take away a surprising amount of worry.

Here is another glimpse. In a crew that repairs power lines on tall towers, the foreman I once heard about had a simple custom before every job. He gathered the crew at the foot of the tower, told them the weather, the plan and the role of each person, and then asked whether anyone had a reason not to climb that day. Most of the time nobody said anything. But once a young lineman said that he felt dizzy, and the foreman kept him on the ground without a word of blame. The foreman said that a crew who know what is expected of them, and who know they can say no when something is wrong, is the crew that comes home safely.

Noticing and Responding

Now to Joseph. Your oldest friend on the team called to say that he could not face coming in, and you did not know what to say. I think what you did say, that he should rest and that you would cover his jobs, was kind and right. Many leaders would have asked only when he would be back. The worry you felt afterwards is understandable, but I do not think you said anything wrong.

Noticing is a skill, and like any skill it improves with practice. Public mental health guides describe the kinds of changes that may suggest someone is struggling: a usually cheerful person who becomes quiet, someone who starts arriving late or leaving early, more mistakes than usual, short tempers, or a person who stops joining in. None of these signs proves anything on its own, and a leader should never try to guess what lies behind them. They are simply reasons to ask, kindly and privately, how someone is. A leader can also notice patterns across the whole team, for example more people off sick after a big change, which may point to a problem in the work rather than in any one person.

Public mental health guides and workplace guides suggest some simple things for moments like this. When someone seems to be struggling, find a quiet, private moment to ask how they are, and then listen more than you talk. You do not need to have the answers, and you do not need to guess what is wrong or put a name to it. You can simply say what you have noticed, for example, "You have not seemed yourself lately, and I wanted to check how you are doing." You can ask what would help at work, such as a change in tasks for a while or some flexibility in hours. And you can mention where further help can be found: a doctor, a staff support service if your workplace has one, or another qualified professional.

In a later letter in this collection, a shop clerk asks how to support a coworker who is struggling, so I will not write at length about it here. But I want to say one thing that applies especially to leaders. If anyone ever tells you that they are thinking about hurting themselves, take it seriously, stay with them if you can, and help them contact a helpline or a medical facility right away. If there is immediate danger, call the local emergency number. You do not need to handle this alone, and you should not try to.

When Joseph comes back, keep the door open. Many people who return to work after a difficult time feel embarrassed, or worried about what others think. A simple, warm welcome, a quiet conversation about how he would like to ease back in, and respect for his privacy will mean a great deal. What Joseph chooses to tell the rest of the team is his decision, not yours.

The Leader's Own Health

And now, Kwame, to you. You wrote that you sleep badly and that your wife says you are always on your phone. I want to say this as clearly as I can: a leader who is running on empty cannot look after a team for long. The sources that describe what leaders can do for their teams also say that leaders need support themselves. Leading can be lonely, especially when you are promoted from within the team and old friends become people you are responsible for.

You might find one or two people in a similar position, perhaps other team leaders where you work, or people who lead teams in other kinds of work, with whom you can talk honestly. You might ask your own manager, not only about numbers, but about what support there is for new leaders, such as training or a more experienced person you could learn from. You might also set some edges around your phone, for example a time in the evening after which you answer only real emergencies, and tell your team so that they know what to expect. Rest, as I wrote to a delivery driver in an earlier letter, is what refills the attention that every job uses up, and the person in charge uses a great deal of it.

Finally, remember that the habits you want for your team are habits you can practise yourself. If you want them to speak up when something is wrong, you can speak up to your own manager when the load is too heavy. If you want them to rest, you can let them see you rest. Leaders teach mostly by example, and the example of a leader who looks after his own mind is one of the most useful things a team can see.

They taught you how to fix lifts, Kwame, and now you are learning how to look after the people who fix them. Be as patient with yourself as you would be with a new technician on his first day. With warm wishes for you and your team, Jiwoo

A Question to Think About

Think of the best person you have ever worked for, or been led by in any part of life. What did that person do that made it easier for you to do your best, and to speak up when something was wrong?

You might think about small things: how that person reacted to mistakes, how they shared out the work, and how they noticed when you were having a hard time. Were there also leaders who made things harder, and what did they do differently?

Whether or not you lead others, you might also ask yourself what kind of example you set for the people around you. Is there one habit, such as thanking someone for telling you about a problem, that you could begin practising this week?