Chapter 11: Standing Beside Someone: Supporting a Coworker

A Letter from Sofia

Dear Jiwoo, I work at the counter of a busy shop that sells household things: cleaning supplies, kitchen tools, light bulbs, all the small items people suddenly need on a weekday evening. I have worked there for six years, and for most of that time I have shared the late shift with a man called Joel. Joel is the one who knows where everything is kept. Customers ask for him by name, and he always has a kind word for the ones who look tired.

Over the last two months, Joel has changed. He used to arrive early and now he arrives just in time. He has stopped eating the lunch he brings from home. Twice I have found him standing in the stockroom, holding a box and staring at the wall. When a customer was rude to him last week, he did not answer calmly or laugh it off as he used to. He only said, very quietly, that it did not matter anyway.

I keep thinking that I should say something, but I do not know what to say. Joel and I are friendly, but we are not close friends. I am afraid of saying the wrong thing, of embarrassing him, or of making things worse. I am also afraid that if I say nothing at all, I will regret it. Last night, while we were closing, Joel said that sometimes he wonders what the point of any of it is. I asked him what he meant, and he only shrugged and switched off the lights.

I am not a doctor or a counsellor. I sell light bulbs and dish soap. How can someone like me help a coworker who seems to be struggling, without overstepping? And what should I do if it is more serious than I think? With thanks, Sofia

Dear Sofia

Thank you for writing, and thank you for noticing. That is not a small thing. In a busy shop, with customers at the counter and boxes to unpack, it would be easy to see only the work and not the person doing it beside you. You saw Joel. You saw that he had changed, and you cared enough to wonder what to do. Almost every kind of help between people begins exactly there.

I want to answer your second question first, because it matters most, and then I will come back to the everyday side of your letter. Joel's words about not seeing the point of anything are worth taking seriously. They do not prove that he is in danger. People say such things for many reasons, and sometimes they mean only that they feel worn out and discouraged. But words like these are a reason to ask him, calmly and directly, how he is and what he meant. Later in this letter I will explain how you can do that, and what to do if his answer worries you.

This letter is also for every reader, because most of us will one day be the person who notices. It may be a coworker, a classmate, or a neighbour who helps at the same community kitchen. The new team leader who wrote to me earlier in this collection asked what a leader can do for the minds of the people in his team, and part of my answer was about noticing. Your letter reminds me that noticing is not only a leader's job. It belongs to anyone who works next to another person.

For this reply I have looked at several kinds of sources: the public information that helplines share, public mental health guides, the short courses in basic mental health support that some workplaces and community groups offer, psychology textbooks on listening, and some traditional sayings about friendship and help. They were written for different readers, but on the most important points they agree in a way I find reassuring. Where they differ, I will tell you.

Noticing Without Prying

The changes you describe in Joel are the kind that public mental health guides often list when they talk about a person who may be struggling. They usually mention changes from a person's own normal pattern: arriving late when they used to be early, eating less or more than usual, pulling away from people, seeming flat or easily upset, losing interest in things that used to matter, or talking about feeling hopeless or trapped. The key word in all of these guides is change. You are not looking for a sign that someone is ill. You are noticing that a person you know well is not quite themselves.

This is an important difference. You are not trying to work out what is wrong with Joel, and you do not need a name for it. Psychology textbooks are clear that understanding what is happening inside a person takes training, time and a proper conversation with a qualified professional. Your job is much simpler and much more human. You only need to notice, to care and to ask. Asking is how understanding begins.

There is also a line between noticing and prying, and I think you are right to be careful about it. Noticing means paying kind attention to what you can see in the ordinary course of the day. Prying means digging into someone's private life, asking other coworkers what they know, or watching a person closely as if they were a puzzle to be solved. Joel deserves the first and not the second. If you feel tempted to discuss him with others in the shop, talk to him first.

I once heard about two bakers who work together in the hours before dawn, when the street outside is still dark and the ovens are the only warm thing for a long way around. The older baker realized one week that his young colleague had stopped humming along to the radio while he shaped the loaves. It was a tiny thing, but the older baker knew the young man's mornings, and the silence was different. He did not make a speech about it. He simply said, while they were waiting for a tray to come out, that the young man seemed quieter than usual, and asked if something was on his mind.

A bus depot gives me another picture. Between routes, the drivers often drink tea together in a small room with a kettle and a noticeboard. One supervisor I heard about makes a habit of looking around that room each morning, not to check on anyone's work, but simply to see who is there. When one driver started sitting alone in the cab of his bus instead of joining the others, she did not report it or comment in front of the group. She knocked on the cab door later and asked whether he would like some company for a minute. These small moments are what noticing looks like in real working life.

Asking and Listening

Now to the question that worries you most: what to say. Almost every guide I have read gives the same first advice, which is to choose your moment. Look for a time when Joel is not rushed and when nobody else can hear, such as before the shop opens, during a quiet hour, or while the two of you are closing up. Do not start the conversation at the counter while a queue is forming. Give it enough time so that, if he wants to talk, he can.

Then begin with what you have seen, and say it without blame. You might say something like this: "Joel, I've noticed you seem quieter lately, and you haven't been eating your lunch. I'm not trying to pry. I just wanted to ask how you're really doing." This kind of opening tells him three things at once. It tells him that you have noticed him, that you care, and that he is free to answer or not.

Some public guides suggest asking twice. Many people answer the first time with a quick "I'm fine," because that is what we are all used to saying. If his answer sounds automatic, you can say gently, "I'm glad. But if you're not fine, I'd honestly like to know." This second question shows him that you really mean it. If he still prefers not to talk, respect that and let him know that the offer stays open.

If Joel does begin to talk, your main task is to listen. Psychology textbooks often describe a way of listening called active listening. In plain words, it means giving your full attention, letting the other person finish, and showing that you have understood by putting what they said into your own words now and then. You might say, "It sounds as if everything has been piling up," or "So you've been feeling like this for a while." This helps the speaker feel heard and helps you check your understanding.

There are also things that most guides advise against, and you may recognize some of them, because nearly all of us do them out of kindness. Try not to rush in with solutions before he has finished. Try not to compare his troubles with your own or with someone else's, even to show that you understand. Try not to say "cheer up" or "others have it worse," which can make a person feel that their feelings are wrong. And do not worry about the silences. A quiet moment while someone gathers their thoughts is not a failure of the conversation. It is often the space in which the important words finally come.

An old saying, known in many forms, reminds us that we have two ears and only one mouth. I like it because it puts listening first without saying that we must be silent. You will still speak, but the balance should lean towards him. You do not have to find perfect words. People who have been through hard times often say later that they remember very little of what their helper said. They remember that someone took the time to listen.

Here the sources differ a little, and I think the difference is useful. Some workplace courses give clear steps and sample sentences, which can be a great comfort when you are nervous. Other public guides warn that a script can make a conversation feel stiff, and that it is better to speak in your own natural way. Both are right: let the sample sentences give you a starting point, then put them in your own words. Joel knows how you usually speak. He will trust your voice more than a borrowed one.

Some people also find it easier to talk side by side than face to face. Think of two workers in a hospital laundry who fold sheets together for hours every afternoon. One of them once said that the hardest conversations of her life had happened over a pile of warm sheets, because neither of them had to look the other in the eye. If Joel seems uncomfortable with a direct, sit-down talk, you might find that he speaks more easily while you are both stacking shelves or counting the till. The right setting is the one where he feels safe.

If Someone Talks About Hurting Themselves

Now I want to speak plainly about the most serious possibility, because you asked, and because every reader deserves a clear answer. Sometimes a person who is struggling begins to think about hurting themselves or about ending their life. Sometimes they say so directly. Sometimes they say it in a softer way, such as wondering what the point of anything is, saying that others would be better off without them, or talking about wanting to disappear. Any words like these should be taken seriously, even if they are said lightly or as a joke.

If you are worried, it is all right to ask directly and kindly. You might say, "When you said you don't see the point, did you mean you've been thinking about hurting yourself or ending your life?" Many people fear that asking such a question could put the idea into someone's head. Helplines and public mental health guides are very clear on this point, and they agree with one another: asking a caring, direct question does not plant the idea. Many people feel relief when someone finally asks, because they no longer have to carry the thought alone.

If Joel tells you that he is having thoughts of hurting himself or ending his life, here is what the sources advise, and they say almost the same things. Stay calm and keep listening. Thank him for telling you. Stay with him, or keep him company, if it is safe for you to do so. Then help him contact a helpline or a medical facility right away. You could offer to sit beside him while he makes the call, to make the call together, or to go with him. If he is in immediate danger, call the local emergency number without waiting.

Please do not promise to keep it a secret. Many people want to promise this, because it feels like the kind thing to say. But when a person's safety is at risk, you may need to involve others who can help, such as a helpline, a medical professional or emergency services. You can tell him honestly that you care about him too much to keep this to yourself, and that you want to make sure he gets proper support. Most guides suggest that you also let a manager or another trusted person at work know, while sharing only what is needed to keep him safe.

I want to say one more thing clearly, Sofia, because I can hear in your letter how much you fear doing the wrong thing. You are not expected to be a therapist. You are not expected to solve Joel's problems, to talk him out of his feelings or to know what is causing them. Your part is to notice, to ask, to listen, and to help him reach people who are trained to help. That is a real and valuable part. Helplines exist so that ordinary people do not have to carry these moments alone.

If at any point you feel unsafe yourself, or if the situation feels too much for you, it is right to get help from others straight away, including the local emergency number. You do not have to manage a crisis on your own to be a good friend or coworker.

And to every reader of this letter: if you are the one who feels like hurting yourself, please contact a helpline or a medical facility right away. If you are in immediate danger, call the local emergency number. You deserve help, and help exists.

Opening the Door to More Help

Of course, most conversations like the one you are planning will not be emergencies. More often, a coworker will say that things have been hard for a while, that they are not sleeping well, that something is wrong at home, or that work feels too heavy. In these cases, the gentle next step that most sources recommend is to encourage the person to talk to someone who can help more than you can. That might be a doctor, a counsellor or another qualified professional, a workplace support programme if the shop has one, or a trusted person in their own life.

You can make this step easier in practical ways. You might offer to help Joel find out what support exists, or to sit with him while he looks for information. Some people find it very hard to make the first phone call or to write the first message. Saying "Would it help if I sat with you while you called?" can make the difference between an idea and an action. You will find more about the different places to turn in a later letter in this book, written to a young engineer who was afraid to ask for help.

Remember also that Joel is an adult, and the choice is his. He may not be ready to talk to anyone else. He may say that he will think about it. If he is not in danger, you can respect his choice while keeping the door open. A short question a few days later, such as "How have the last few days been?", tells him that you have not forgotten and that you have not given up on him. Public guides often say that this kind of quiet follow-up matters as much as the first conversation.

There may be small, practical things you can do at work, too. You could offer to swap a difficult task, or to handle the rude customers for a while. These kindnesses matter, but be careful not to become his only support. If you find yourself covering for him every day or hiding problems from your manager, it may be time to encourage him, kindly, to talk to someone who can make real changes to his work. And please keep what he tells you private. A coworker's trust is easily broken by a careless remark in the stockroom.

Caring for the Helper

Finally, I want to say something about you. Supporting someone who is struggling can be tiring and worrying, even when you do it well. You may lie awake wondering whether you said the right thing, or feel frustrated when he does not take the advice you hoped he would. All of these feelings are normal, and none of them mean that you are a bad helper.

The public information from many helplines makes a point that surprises people: helplines are not only for people in crisis. Many of them also offer support to those who are worried about someone else. If you ever feel unsure about what to do next, or simply heavy with worry, you can contact a helpline yourself to talk it through. You can also talk to someone you trust in your own life. You do not need to share Joel's private details to do this. You can talk about your own feelings and your own part in the story.

There is a well-known saying that you cannot pour from an empty cup. It is used so often that it can sound tired, but it is true. If you are going to stand beside Joel over the coming weeks, you also need your own rest, your own meals, your own time with people who make you laugh. Looking after yourself is not selfish. It is what makes it possible for you to keep caring without wearing yourself out.

It may also help to remember the limits of your role. You cannot make someone feel better, and you cannot carry their recovery for them. What you can do is offer company, attention and a way towards help. Whatever happens next, Joel will know that at least one person in that busy shop saw him clearly.

With warm wishes, and with thanks for noticing, Jiwoo

A Question to Think About

Think of the people you work, study or volunteer beside each week. Is there someone who has seemed different lately, and what would make it easier for you to ask them, kindly and directly, how they are really doing?

You might begin by picturing a quiet moment in your usual day when a conversation could happen naturally. What words would feel like your own, rather than borrowed? What are you most afraid might happen if you ask, and how likely is that fear to come true?

You might also turn the question around. If you were the one who was struggling, what would you want a coworker to notice, and what would you hope they might say?