Chapter 9: Fairness and Respect: When Work Hurts

A Letter from Priya

Dear Jiwoo, I work as an office assistant in a firm that looks after buildings for their owners. I answer the phone, keep the diaries, prepare documents and do whatever else my manager needs. I have been in this job for a year and a half. I wanted it very much, and I was proud when I got it.

My manager is a clever woman, and she works very hard. But she shouts. It is not every day, but it is often, perhaps two or three times a week. She shouts when a document has a small mistake, when a client calls at the wrong time, and sometimes when I have done nothing wrong at all. Once she threw a folder onto my desk in front of the whole office and said that a child could have done better. Afterwards she acted as if nothing had happened.

I have started to feel sick on the evening before each working week begins. I check every email four or five times before I send it. When I hear her footsteps in the corridor, my heart starts to race. I have lost weight, and I cry in the bathroom at work more often than I would like to admit. The others in the office are sympathetic, but they say, "That is just how she is," and they tell me not to take it personally.

Maybe they are right. Maybe I am too sensitive, and I should be grateful to have a good job. But I keep wondering whether this is normal, and whether it is my fault. I do not want to lose my job, and I do not want to make trouble. What should I do? Priya

Dear Priya

Thank you for writing to me. I want to begin by answering the question that I think hurts you most. No, this is not your fault. Nobody deserves to be shouted at, humiliated in front of others, or made to feel sick the night before the working week because of how they are treated at work. A small mistake in a document is a small mistake. It calls for a quiet word and a correction, not a folder thrown onto your desk. Whatever happens next, please hold on to this: being treated with respect is not a favour that you must earn by being perfect.

Your colleagues told you not to take it personally, and I understand why they said it. They were probably trying to comfort you, and perhaps to comfort themselves. But you are allowed to take it personally, because it is happening to you as a person. In this letter I will write about respect at work, about what public agencies generally say about bullying and harassment, and about the practical steps that many sources recommend. I cannot give you legal advice, because laws and rules differ greatly from place to place. But I can tell you what the sources broadly agree on, and where you can look for advice that fits your situation.

I am writing to you, Priya, but I am also writing to every reader who has dreaded footsteps in a corridor. And I am writing to every reader who has watched it happen to someone else and said, "That is just how she is."

What Respect at Work Looks Like

It may help to start with the ordinary picture of a respectful workplace, because when you have lived with shouting for a long time, it can be hard to remember what normal looks like. In a respectful workplace, people can make mistakes and be corrected without being humiliated. Disagreements happen, but they are about the work, not about a person's worth. Managers can be demanding, and they can give honest and even uncomfortable feedback, but they do it in a way that leaves the other person's dignity intact.

Let me give you a few glimpses from very different places. In a small hairdressing salon I once visited, the owner trained her young apprentices with great care. When one apprentice made a mistake with a client's hair colour, the owner did not say a word about it in front of the client. She calmly put it right. Later, in the back room, she showed the apprentice exactly where it had gone wrong and how to avoid it next time. The apprentice told me that she had been terrified, and that she left the back room feeling more confident than before.

In a busy university laboratory, a senior researcher told me about a rule she had learned from her own teacher: praise in public, correct in private. Her team works under great pressure, with long hours and important deadlines, and tempers sometimes run short. But she says that this rule has kept more good workers in her team than any other piece of advice she has received. High standards and respect, she says, are not opposites. They belong together.

A third glimpse comes from the kitchen of a large school, where a team of cooks prepares hundreds of lunches every morning. For years the head cook there had been known for shouting, and the younger cooks did not stay long. When she retired, the new head cook made a small change. Every morning, before the ovens were switched on, the team stood together for five minutes and went through the day's menu, and anyone could say what had gone wrong the day before without being blamed. The lunches still had to be ready at the same hour. But the cooks began to stay, and the kitchen, as one of them told me, began to feel like a team rather than a battlefield.

When you compare what different sources say, you find the same idea in many forms. International organizations that work on health and on work describe respect, fairness and support as part of what makes a workplace good for mental health. Workplace-safety agencies in many places include the way people are treated among the risks that employers should manage, alongside physical hazards such as heavy loads or dangerous machines. In other words, the sources agree that how you are treated at work is not just a matter of personal feelings. It is a matter of health and safety.

What Public Agencies Say About Bullying and Harassment

When you compare what public agencies say about bullying at work, you find that their exact words differ, but their main ideas are very similar. Most describe workplace bullying as repeated, unreasonable behaviour directed at a person or a group, which can harm their health or safety. The important words are usually "repeated" and "unreasonable". A single bad day, when a manager is sharp with everyone, is unpleasant, but most agencies would not call it bullying on its own. A pattern of shouting, humiliation, unfair criticism, exclusion or threats over weeks or months is a different matter. Even so, many agencies also say that a single very serious incident should be taken seriously.

Public agencies often give examples of behaviour that can be part of bullying. These include shouting or swearing at someone, insulting or mocking them, humiliating them in front of others, spreading rumours about them, leaving them out on purpose, giving them impossible tasks or deadlines, constantly criticising small things, taking work away without reason, and threatening their job. Several of these appear in your letter, Priya: the regular shouting, the folder thrown in front of the office and the comment that a child could have done better.

The agencies are also careful to say what bullying is not. Reasonable management action, carried out in a reasonable way, is not bullying. A manager is allowed to set tasks, give feedback, discuss performance and make decisions that you do not like. The difference lies in the manner and the pattern. A manager who says, "This document has three errors, so please correct them and check the numbers more carefully next time," is managing. A manager who throws the document and insults you in front of others is not.

Harassment is a related word, and here the sources differ a little, often because laws differ from place to place. Many public agencies use the word for unwanted behaviour that offends, frightens or humiliates a person. In many places the word also has a special legal meaning when the behaviour is linked to things such as a person's gender, age, ethnic background, religion, disability or other personal characteristics. Because these legal meanings vary so much, I will not try to tell you whether what you are experiencing has a particular legal name. That is a question for the advice services I describe below.

Finally, nearly every source agrees on the effects. Being bullied at work is linked with stress, anxiety, low mood and poor sleep, and with physical complaints such as headaches and stomach trouble. The things you describe, such as feeling sick before each working week, checking emails again and again, a racing heart at the sound of footsteps, losing weight and crying at work, are the kinds of effects that the sources describe. They are not signs that you are too sensitive. They are signs that you have been under strain for a long time.

Workplace-safety agencies also make a point that is easy to miss. They say that bullying is not only a problem between two people, but often a sign of a problem in how work is organized. It tends to be more common where workloads are very heavy, where roles are unclear, where there is a great deal of change, and where poor behaviour has been allowed to continue without anyone stepping in. Your manager may well be under heavy pressure herself. That can help to explain her behaviour, but it does not excuse it, and it does not make it your job to absorb it. It does suggest that the answer may lie partly with the people above her.

Some sources add a point that I think you need to hear. People who are treated badly over a long time often begin to doubt themselves. They start to believe that perhaps they really are careless, or slow, or not good enough, because they have been told so many times. Psychology textbooks describe how repeated criticism can wear down a person's confidence, even when the criticism is unfair. If you have begun to feel this way, Priya, please remember that you were good enough to be chosen for this job, and that nothing about your work has changed as much as the way you are being treated.

Practical Steps That Most Sources Recommend

You asked what you should do. Public agencies and workplace guides suggest several steps, and they tend to agree on the order. I will describe them in general terms. Please take what fits your situation, and seek local advice for the details.

The first step that almost every source recommends is to keep a written record. Write down what happens as soon as you can afterwards: the date and time, where you were, what was said or done, as close to the exact words as you can remember, who else was there, and how it affected you and your work. Keep copies of any emails or messages that are relevant. Keep the record somewhere private and safe.

A record like this does several things. It helps you see the pattern clearly, which can be hard to do when you are upset. It makes it easier to explain the situation to others. And if you later use a workplace procedure or seek outside advice, it gives the people helping you clear facts to work with. Some people also find that writing things down gives them a little distance from the hurt, as if they were putting it outside themselves for a moment.

The second step is to talk to someone you trust. This might be a friend, a family member, a colleague who has seen what happens, or someone in another part of the organization. Talking does not have to mean taking action straight away. It means that you are no longer carrying this alone. The people who care about you may also notice things about your health and your mood that you have stopped noticing yourself.

The third step is to find out what your workplace offers. Many workplaces have a written policy on respect at work, bullying or harassment, which describes how to raise a concern. There may be a person responsible for staff matters, a more senior manager, a worker representative or a staff support service. Some sources suggest that, if you feel safe and able, you might first raise the matter calmly with the person involved, perhaps by saying that the shouting upsets you and affects your work. Others point out that this is not always safe or realistic, especially when the person has power over you, and that it is perfectly reasonable to go straight to someone else. Both views are offered in good faith, and only you can judge which one fits your situation.

The fourth step is to look for outside advice. In many places there are public agencies, advice services, helplines for workers and legal advice services, some of them free, which can explain your rights and options where you live. Because laws differ so much, this kind of local advice is the best way to understand what protections you have, what time limits may apply and what choices are open to you. Finding out what your rights are is not making trouble.

Alongside all of this, please look after your health. If the strain is affecting your sleep, your eating, your mood or your body, a doctor or another qualified professional can help, and it is a good idea to tell them what is happening at work. If the weight ever becomes so heavy that you think about hurting yourself, please contact a helpline or a medical facility right away, as I wrote to a teacher in an earlier letter. If you are in immediate danger, call the local emergency number.

I know that you are worried about losing your job, and I will not pretend that this worry is foolish. Raising a concern can feel risky, and every person must weigh their own situation. But the sources agree that staying silent for a long time also has a cost, often paid in health. Seeking advice early, while you keep your record and your job, usually leaves you with more choices than waiting until you can bear no more. You do not have to decide everything today. You only have to take the next step.

While you decide, it may help to protect yourself a little in everyday ways. You might take your lunch break away from your desk, perhaps with a colleague you trust. You might keep your weekends as free from work as you can, so that the last evening of your weekend is not spent rehearsing the first morning of the week. You might remind yourself, each day, of the parts of your life that have nothing to do with this office: the people who love you, the things you are good at, the plans you have. As I wrote to a nurse in an earlier letter, long stress wears us down, and small daily protections help us carry it while we work on changing its cause.

For Those Who Watch

Before I close, I want to write a few words to the colleagues in your office, and to every reader who has seen someone else being shouted at and stayed silent. I understand the silence. It is often born of fear, of not knowing what to do, or of the hope that the problem will pass on its own. But public agencies and workplace guides agree that bystanders, meaning the people who see what happens, can make a real difference, often in quite small ways.

You can go to the person afterwards and say, "I saw what happened. That was not right. Are you all right?" You can offer to be a witness if they decide to raise a concern. You can refuse to join in with jokes or gossip about them. If you feel safe doing so, you can say something calm in the moment, such as, "Let's talk about this later," which can sometimes break the pattern.

And you can tell someone responsible what you have seen. None of these steps requires great courage. They require only a decision that "That is just how she is" is not good enough. Small acts like these, repeated by several people, can change what a workplace allows.

Traditional wisdom in many places speaks about this, too. Many traditions teach, in one form or another, that standing by while someone is wronged is not truly the same as staying out of it, and that silence can be a kind of answer. I do not repeat this teaching to make anyone feel guilty. I repeat it because it points to a simple truth that the agencies also describe: workplaces become respectful when ordinary people decide, together, what they will and will not accept.

Priya, you wanted this job very much, and you were proud when you got it. You still have every right to be proud. You deserve to do your work in a place where you are treated with respect, and seeking that respect is not making trouble. It is caring for yourself, and perhaps, in time, for the next person who sits at your desk. With warm wishes and great respect, Jiwoo

A Question to Think About

What would respect at work look like for you, in the small details of an ordinary day? And what would you need in order to ask for it?

You might think about how mistakes are handled where you work or study. When someone gets something wrong, what happens next? Does the correction leave their dignity intact? And how do you yourself correct others?

You might also think about a time when you saw someone treated unfairly. What did you do, and what do you wish you had done? Who could you turn to for support, inside your workplace and outside it, if you ever needed it?