Chapter 9: The Other Parent

From the Diary

Month 3, a late evening. My husband has been so quiet these past weeks. He works late, he eats without tasting his food, and when I ask how he is, he says "fine" and looks away. A few weeks ago he was the one who noticed that I was not myself, and he said so gently, and that was the start of my getting help. Now I wonder who is noticing him. Tonight I asked my husband to write in this diary. These are his words.

I am not good at writing about feelings, but I will try. When our daughter was born, I felt a joy I did not know was possible. I held her for the first time in that bright room, while my wife was still being cared for after the caesarean, and I could not stop looking at her. I took two weeks off work, and I tried to do everything: nappies, meals, the shopping, the visitors, the phone calls with my parents. Then I went back to work, and the house went on without me in the daytime. When I come home now, my wife and our daughter have a rhythm that I am not part of. Our daughter often cries when I hold her and stops when my wife takes her. I know it is not personal. It still feels like a small door closing.

The truth is that I feel useless a lot of the time. At work I worry about money, because we are living on less while my wife is on leave, and everything for the baby costs more than we planned. So I stay late and say yes to extra work, and then I feel guilty for not being at home. I am tired all the time. I have snapped at people at work, which is not like me, and I have stopped calling my friends. Some evenings I sit in the car for a few minutes before I go into the house, just to have some quiet, and then I feel bad about that too. When my wife asks how I am, I say "fine", because she has been through so much: the birth, the hard weeks of feeding, the grey days. I did not want to add my weight to hers. I thought the right thing was to be strong and quiet until things got better.

Three days later. My wife read what I wrote, and she was not angry or hurt, as I had feared. She sat next to me and said that she had wondered for weeks where I had gone. She said that I had helped her by telling her I was worried, and now she wanted to do the same for me. We talked until late. We made a list of the things that each of us does, and the list showed that we are both carrying a lot, just different things. She asked me to talk to a doctor, the way she did. I said I would think about it. Before we went to sleep, my wife put our daughter's hand in mine, and our daughter held my finger and did not cry. Writing that down now, I think I will go to the doctor.

Feelings of the Parent Who Did Not Give Birth

After a birth, most of the attention goes, rightly, to the baby and to the parent who gave birth. The other parent, whether a husband, a wife or a partner, also goes through one of the biggest changes in life, often with little time to notice it. This parent may have been present at the birth and may have been frightened by it. Then this parent may go back to work soon after, carrying new responsibility and broken sleep into ordinary days. The feelings of the other parent matter too, for that parent's own sake and for the whole family.

Joy and pride are often there, sometimes stronger than the parent expected. Next to them, many partners feel pressure: to be strong, to provide, to fix problems, and to know what to do. Worry about money is common, especially when one parent is on leave and the costs of a baby arrive all at once. Some partners worry about the health of the parent who gave birth, particularly after a difficult birth, and keep that worry to themselves. Some feel unsure of their place in the new family, or worry that they do not know how to care for the baby as well as the other parent does.

Feeling left out is also common, and it is rarely talked about. If the baby is breastfed, or if one parent spends the days with the baby, a close rhythm may grow between that parent and the baby. The other parent may feel like a helper rather than a parent, or feel rejected when the baby cries in their arms and calms in the arms of the other parent. Like the husband in the diary, many partners know that this is not personal, and still feel hurt. Young babies often settle most easily with the person who is with them most. This changes with time, and with time spent alone together, as this chapter explains later.

Many partners also feel that their own feelings are less important, or that sharing them would be a burden. Like the husband in the diary, a partner may say "fine" in order to protect the parent who gave birth. This comes from love, and from a wish to be useful in a time when it is hard to know how to help. Still, keeping everything inside often makes things harder for both people, because the other person can sense that something is wrong without knowing what. A family usually does better when each adult can say honestly how they are, even on hard days, and when both adults' feelings are treated as real.

Going back to work can be a hard moment for the other parent. One day this parent is at home in the middle of everything, and the next day the parent is at a desk or on a job, thinking about the baby and the tired parent at home. Some partners feel relief at the familiar routine and then feel guilty about the relief. Others find it hard to concentrate, or feel that they are not doing well either at work or at home. A short message or call during the day, and a few calm minutes together after work before the evening tasks begin, can help both parents feel connected. Leave for the other parent differs from country to country, and the official contact points where you live, or your employer, can explain what applies to you.

Partners Can Struggle Too

Depression and anxiety after a baby arrives can affect the parent who did not give birth, not only the parent who did. This is less widely known, and partners may not recognise it in themselves. Big changes in life, lack of sleep, worry about money and work, less time for friends, and caring for a partner who is struggling can all add to the weight. A partner's low mood or anxiety is not weakness and not a failure. It can begin at any time in the first year, not only in the first weeks. It is common, it is nobody's fault, and help exists.

The signs in a partner can look a little different from what people expect. Instead of tears, there may be irritability, anger or a short temper. Some partners withdraw: they become quiet, stop seeing friends, or spend more and more time away from home. Working more and later, as the husband in the diary did, can be a way of coping, a way of escaping, or both. Other partners feel low, empty, hopeless or numb, lose interest in things they used to enjoy, sleep badly even when they could sleep, or turn more to alcohol or to screens. Constant worry, tension and a racing mind can be signs too, as can physical complaints such as headaches or stomach trouble that have no clear cause.

It can be hard for a partner to see these changes as a sign of struggling. A busy, tired partner may think that the irritability is only stress, that working late is simply responsible, or that the feeling of being useless is just the truth. Family and friends may praise a partner for being strong, which makes it harder to admit that things are difficult. It may help to ask yourself honestly: do I feel like myself? Am I enjoying anything? Am I avoiding home, or avoiding feelings? If the honest answer worries you, that is a good reason to talk to someone, even if you are not sure that anything is really wrong.

As for any parent, a good guide is this: if these changes are there most days, for more than a couple of weeks, it is worth talking to a doctor. A partner can see their own doctor at any time; there is no need to wait for the baby's check-up. It may help to say it simply: "Since our baby was born, I have not been feeling like myself." The doctor can listen and explain the kinds of help that exist. Taking this step is not selfish. When a partner gets help, the whole family benefits.

If a partner, or either parent, has thoughts of harming themselves or anyone else, or feels unable to go on, that is a reason to get help straight away: call the emergency number, a crisis line or a doctor now, or tell someone close at once. This is true for every parent, whoever gave birth. Reaching out in such a moment is a strong and caring thing to do.

Talking and Sharing as a Team

New parents often find that they talk to each other less, just when they need it more. Conversations shrink to feeds, nappies and shopping. A short, regular talk can help: a few minutes in the evening, or over breakfast, to ask "How are you, really?" and to listen to the answer without trying to fix it at once. Some couples find it easier to talk side by side, for example on a walk with the pram, than face to face across a table. What matters is that both people get a turn to speak and a turn to listen.

Sharing the baby care helps the baby, the parents and the relationship. When both parents know how to change, bathe, dress, feed and settle the baby, each parent can rest while the other takes over. The other parent may need time alone with the baby to build their own way of doing things, even if it is different from the way of the parent who is home more. It can help for the parent who is with the baby most to step back, leave the room, and trust that the other parent will manage. Babies can learn to feel safe and loved with more than one person. Taking over one task fully, from start to finish, is often more helpful than helping with part of it.

There are many ways for the other parent to grow close to the baby. Holding the baby against the chest, skin to skin, is soothing for many babies and lets them learn the parent's smell, warmth and heartbeat. Bath time, carrying the baby in a baby carrier on a walk, changing nappies, and talking or singing during ordinary tasks all help too. A baby comes to know a parent's voice and touch through many small moments repeated day after day. The first weeks may feel clumsy, and the baby may cry more with the parent who is less practised. That is normal. Confidence grows by doing, not by watching.

The night can be shared too, as Chapter 8 explains, and so can the invisible work of the home: remembering appointments, noticing that nappies are running low, planning meals, answering messages from family, and keeping track of the baby's check-ups. This kind of work is easy to overlook, and it can quietly pile up on one person. Writing a list together, as the parents in the diary did, can show who is carrying what, and make it easier to share more fairly. The list can be looked at again every few weeks, because the work changes as the baby grows.

Being a team does not mean always agreeing. Tired parents will sometimes argue, and that is normal. What helps is coming back to each other afterwards, saying sorry when it is needed, and remembering that both of you want the same thing: a safe, loved baby and a family in which everyone can cope. Words of thanks for small things also help a great deal. "Thank you for doing the night feed" or "Thank you for listening" can soften a hard week. Closeness and time together may feel far away in these months, and it is fine to start small, with a cup of tea together or a hand on a shoulder. If arguments become frequent, harsh or frightening, or if either of you ever feels unsafe at home, talk to a doctor or a trusted person about it. If anyone is in danger right now, call the emergency number.

Noticing Each Other, and Building a Wider Team

The partner is often the first person to notice when the parent who gave birth is struggling: more tears, less joy, trouble sleeping, worry that never stops, or a sense of being far away. In the diary, it was the husband who gently said he was worried, and that helped the mother take the first step. If you notice such changes, choose a calm moment and speak gently. Say what you have seen, without blame, for example, "You seem very sad lately, and I am worried about you." Then offer to go with your partner to talk to the midwife or doctor, or to make the call together. If your partner is not ready to talk, you can say that you will ask again, and keep the door open. If you notice very sudden, unusual changes, or hear thoughts of harm, do not wait: get urgent help at once, as Chapter 6 explains.

It can work the other way too. The parent who gave birth may notice that the partner has become quiet, short-tempered, or is working later and later. Like the mother in the diary, you can ask with kindness, and make it clear that hearing about your partner's struggles is not a burden but part of being a team. Neither parent needs to wait until the other parent is completely well before speaking up. Both people can be struggling at the same time, and both can get help at the same time. If you are not sure how to begin, you could start with yourself: "I have been struggling too, and I want us both to be all right."

If you are raising your baby alone, you are not without a team; you may simply need to build it on purpose. A parent, a sister or brother, a friend, a neighbour or another parent can take some of the roles that a partner might take: noticing your mood, holding the baby while you rest, coming with you to an appointment, or calling to ask how the night was. Many places have groups for parents, and the doctor, midwife, nurse or the official contact points where you live can tell you what support exists nearby. Asking for help is not a sign that you cannot manage. It is part of how parents manage.

Asking for help together can make it easier. Some couples go to an appointment together, so that one parent can help explain what the other parent has been going through, and both can hear the same answers. Grandparents and friends often want to help but do not know how. Telling them one clear thing that they can do, such as bringing a meal, taking the baby for a walk, or simply phoning to ask how you both are, is a gift to them as well as to you. Advice from relatives can be kind, and it is still fine for the two of you to decide together what suits your family. A family that shares the load, and talks openly about feelings, gives the baby a calmer and happier home.

Sometimes both parents are struggling at the same time, and it can feel as if nobody is left to be the strong one. In those weeks, it can help to lower your goals together to the basics: the baby fed, clean, safe and held, and both parents eating and sleeping as much as possible. Everything else can wait. You can take turns being the steadier one for an hour or a day, and you can ask family or friends to step in more than usual for a while. You can also go to the doctor together or one after the other. Getting through a hard time side by side often makes a couple feel closer afterwards.

A Checklist of Things to Prepare

A short weekly talk: choose one regular time each week when both parents ask each other how they really are, and take turns to listen without interrupting.

A shared list of tasks: write down the baby care and home tasks, including the invisible ones, and agree who does what for the next month.

Time alone with the baby for each parent: plan a regular time when the other parent cares for the baby alone, such as the evening bath or a weekend walk, so that the two of them can build their own ways together.

An appointment for the partner, if it is needed: if the partner has felt low, irritable or worried most days for more than a couple of weeks, book a time with a doctor.

Agreed words for a worry: decide in advance how each of you would like the other to raise a concern about mood, so that it feels like care rather than criticism.

A wider team: write down the names of people who can step in when one parent is struggling, or who can be your team if you are raising your baby alone.

The urgent numbers in one place: keep the emergency number, a crisis line and the doctor's number where every adult in the home can find them quickly.