Chapter 10: Growing Together

From the Diary

Month 3, a bright morning. Our daughter lay on the play mat and watched my face as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. When I moved my head slowly from one side to the other, her eyes followed me. When I made a soft "ooh" sound, she made one back. I did it again, she answered again, and we had a whole conversation with no words in it. Then I picked up my phone and saw a message from my friend from the parents' class. Her son, who is a few weeks older than our daughter, had rolled over from his back to his tummy. She sent a short video and a row of happy faces. I sent happy faces back, and then I sat very still and wondered why our daughter was not rolling yet. I spent the rest of her nap looking at pictures of other people's babies, and I felt worse with every picture.

Month 3, the end of the week. Today was the check-up and the vaccinations. I had written my questions on a piece of paper the night before, because my mind goes empty in waiting rooms. The nurse weighed and measured our daughter, watched her follow a toy with her eyes, and listened to my questions without hurrying. I asked about the rolling. The nurse smiled and said that babies do these things at different times, and that she was more interested in how our daughter looks at us, moves her arms and legs, and makes sounds. Then came the injections. Our daughter cried loudly for a short moment and then fell asleep on my chest. I cried for longer than she did. The nurse said that this happens to many parents and handed me a tissue.

Month 4. She laughed. My husband was changing her nappy and blew a soft noise on her tummy, and out came a real laugh, loud and surprised, as if it had surprised her too. He did it again and she laughed again, and soon all three of us were laughing on the bathroom floor. I have not heard my husband laugh like that for weeks. This week he also went to see his own doctor, as he had promised me. He did not say much about it, only that it helped to say things out loud. I understand that. Since I told the midwife and the doctor how grey everything felt, the grey has become thinner. It is not gone, but there is more light between the clouds.

Month 5, a quiet evening. A new rule in our home: my phone goes into the kitchen drawer after dinner. I still love the messages from my friend, and I still answer them at night, but I have stopped searching for other babies. Yesterday our daughter rolled from her tummy onto her back, all by herself, and looked at me as if to ask what had just happened. Her timing is her own. She grabs my hair, she pulls my nose, she shouts happily at the light on the ceiling. Today was a harder day for me, slow and heavy, and I knew it might be. I called my mother and we talked for a long time. Tomorrow I will try again, with our daughter beside me, both of us growing.

Every Baby on Their Own Path

Like the mother in the diary, many parents begin to count and compare in these months. The newborn weeks are about getting through each day and night. Then, slowly, the baby wakes up to the world, and every week seems to bring something new. Doctors and nurses call these new skills milestones: things such as smiling, following a face or a toy with the eyes, making sounds, reaching for objects, rolling over and, later in the year, sitting, crawling and standing. Milestones are useful because they help health workers see how a baby is growing. They are not a race, and they are not a test that a baby or a parent can pass or fail.

Development happens in broad ranges, not on exact days. Two healthy babies born in the same week may smile, roll or reach weeks apart from each other, and both may be doing well. One baby may be quick to make sounds and slow to roll; another baby may be the other way round. Many babies sit, crawl, stand and take their first steps somewhere across the second half of the first year, and the range is wide. Some babies never crawl at all and move in another way, such as shuffling along on their bottom. Health workers look at the whole picture over time: whether a baby keeps learning new things, uses both sides of the body, responds to sounds and faces, and seems to be moving forward in their own way.

In the first months, the changes are often small and easy to miss. A baby who once only stared begins to follow you across the room with the eyes. The arms and legs, which moved in sudden jerks in the newborn weeks, begin to move more smoothly. The hands, once often closed, start to open, and the baby discovers them, looks at them and puts them in the mouth. The head becomes steadier when the baby is held upright or lies on the tummy. Sounds change too: from crying to soft cooing, then to gurgles, squeals and long strings of happy noise. A first real smile, and later a first laugh, are moments that many parents remember for the rest of their lives.

Babies who were born early, babies who were unwell after the birth and babies with particular health needs may follow a different path, and their doctors or nurses explain what to expect. For babies who were born early, health workers often count the baby's age from the day the baby was due, rather than from the day of birth, when they look at development. If this applies to your baby, ask the doctor or nurse how they are counting, so that you compare your baby only with the right picture. For every baby, the most helpful comparison is the baby with themselves: what your baby could do last month, and what your baby can do now.

Play, Talk and Tummy Time

Babies learn through people. Long before a baby can play with toys, the most interesting thing in the room is a face: your face, with its eyes, its voice and its expressions. When you talk to your baby, sing, make a funny face or simply describe what you are doing ("Now we are putting on your sock"), you are giving your baby what a growing brain needs. The mother in the diary had "a whole conversation with no words in it" by copying her daughter's sounds and waiting for an answer. This back-and-forth, where the baby makes a sound or a face and the adult answers, is one of the most valuable kinds of play in the first year. It costs nothing, and it can happen during a nappy change, a feed or a walk.

You do not need special toys or a busy plan of activities. Simple things are enough: a rattle made for babies, a soft book with bright pictures, a wooden spoon, or your own hands for a game of hiding your face and showing it again. Reading to a baby who does not understand the words still helps, because the baby hears the rhythm of speech and enjoys being close to you. Talk in your own language, or in all the languages your family speaks; babies can grow up with more than one language at home. Sing songs and lullabies from your own childhood, even if you think your voice is not good. To your baby, your voice is the best one there is.

Tummy time means placing your baby on the tummy for short periods while the baby is awake and you are watching. It helps the baby build strength in the neck, shoulders, arms and back, which later helps with rolling, sitting and crawling. Many babies protest at first. You can start with very short moments, several times a day, and make them more fun by lying on the floor face to face with your baby, putting a toy in front of the baby, or letting the baby lie on your chest while you lean back. Choose a firm, flat surface such as a clean blanket on the floor, and choose a time when your baby is alert and content rather than very sleepy or just after a big feed. Tummy time is always for awake times with an adult watching. For sleep, a baby is always placed on the back, as Chapter 8 explains.

Your baby also talks to you without words, and learning to read these signals makes play easier. A baby who is ready to play is often calm, alert and wide-eyed, looks at your face and moves the arms and legs with interest. A baby who has had enough may look away, turn the head, arch the back, fuss, yawn, rub the eyes or start to cry. When you see these signs, it is time for a break: a quiet cuddle, a feed or a sleep. Following your baby's lead in this way is not spoiling the baby; it teaches your baby that the world answers. Over the weeks you will become an expert in your own baby, often without noticing it.

Check-Ups, Vaccinations and Questions

During the first year, a doctor or nurse sees your baby at regular check-ups. At these visits the health worker usually weighs and measures the baby, looks at how the baby moves, sees and hears, and asks how feeding and sleep are going. The check-ups are also a time for you. You can ask about anything that puzzles or worries you, from a rash to a sleep pattern to your own mood. Many parents find it useful to write their questions down before the visit, as the mother in the diary did, because it is easy to forget them in a busy room with a baby on your lap. If a partner or someone close to you can come along, one adult can hold and comfort the baby while the other listens and asks. Afterwards, you can share what the health worker said with anyone else who cares for your baby.

Vaccinations protect babies against serious infectious illnesses, and several of them are given in the first year. They follow a schedule, and that schedule differs from country to country, as do the check-ups, how often they happen and who carries them out. The official contact points where you live, such as the local public health office, and your baby's doctor or nurse can give you the schedule that applies to your baby and explain each vaccination. If you have questions about vaccinations, ask them; health workers are used to these questions and want you to feel well informed. Many families keep the record of each check-up and each vaccination in one place, so that nothing is missed when life is busy.

Many babies cry for a short time at an injection and then settle, often with a feed or a cuddle. Holding your baby close during the vaccination and comforting your baby afterwards can help both of you. Some babies are a little sleepy or unsettled for a while afterwards; the nurse or doctor will tell you what is common after each vaccination and what would be a reason to call. It is also very common for the parent to find the moment harder than the baby does, as in the diary. Tears at that moment are not a weakness. They are a sign of how much you love your child.

Sometimes a parent has a quiet worry about development that does not go away. You do not need to wait for the next check-up to mention it. It is worth talking to the baby's doctor or nurse if your baby does not seem to react to loud sounds or to your voice, does not follow faces or objects with the eyes, seems very stiff or very floppy, uses one side of the body much more than the other, or has lost a skill the baby already had. It is also worth mentioning a feeling that "something is not right", even if you cannot explain it well. Health workers would much rather see a baby who turns out to be well than miss a question. Asking is never a nuisance; it is part of caring for your child.

Comparing, Worrying and Your Mood

Comparing your baby with other babies is very human. Parents meet at check-ups, in parent groups and in the park, and the talk often turns to which baby is sleeping, which baby is rolling and which baby is eating what. A message from a friend, like the one in the diary, can bring joy and a sharp pinch of worry at the same moment. In most cases, the other baby is simply on a different part of the same wide path. Yet the worry can stay in the body for hours, especially when you are tired. Noticing that this is happening is the first step to letting it go.

Pictures and videos online can make comparing much harder. What other parents share is usually the best moment of the day, chosen and sometimes improved: the smiling baby, the tidy home, the parent who looks rested. Nobody shares the hour of crying before the photo or the pile of laundry just outside the picture. When you look at many of these images, especially at night, it is easy to believe that every other family is doing better than yours. The mother in the diary felt "worse with every picture", and many parents describe the same thing. Searching online for every small question about your baby can also turn a calm evening into a long night of worry, because the most frightening stories are often the easiest to find.

It can help to notice how you feel after time online and to set kind limits, such as no searching after a certain hour, or a place in the home where the phone stays in the evening. When a question comes up, you can write it down for the next check-up or call the baby's nurse, instead of searching. Messages with other parents can be a real comfort and a source of friendship; the aim is not to be alone, but to keep the comfort and leave out what makes you feel small. Some parents find it helps to remember a simple thought: my baby is not a picture, and my family is not a competition.

Comparing can also touch your mood more deeply. If you are already struggling with low mood or worry, each comparison may feel like proof that you are failing, and that feeling can grow quietly. In the diary, the mother had already told her midwife and her doctor about her grey days, and the support she received helped her see her daughter's growth with more calm. If you notice that you feel low, anxious or guilty most days, for more than a couple of weeks, or that you feel cut off from your baby, tell your doctor, midwife or nurse. Recovery often comes slowly, with good days and harder days mixed together, and it is normal to still have heavy days while you are getting better. Knowing whom to call on a heavy day, as the mother in the diary does, is part of the plan.

Growing together also means that you grow as a parent. In these months many parents notice that they understand their baby's cries better, feel more confident with everyday care and start to enjoy moments of play. The first laugh in the diary was a bright moment for the whole family, including the father, who had been tired and quiet for weeks. Small shared joys like this do not take away tiredness or sadness, but they are worth noticing and remembering. You may want to write them down, take a photo just for yourself, or simply tell someone close to you. These moments belong to your family and need no comparison with anyone else's.

A Checklist of Things to Prepare

A list of questions for the next check-up: write your questions down in the weeks between visits, as they come to you. Take the list with you so that nothing is forgotten in the waiting room.

Your baby's schedule of check-ups and vaccinations: ask the official contact points where you live, or your baby's doctor or nurse, for the schedule that applies to your baby, because it differs from country to country. Note the next dates where the whole family can see them.

One place for your baby's health records: keep the check-up notes and the vaccination record together in a folder or a notebook, and take it to every visit.

A play corner on the floor: a clean blanket or mat, a few simple toys made for babies and space for tummy time while your baby is awake and watched. Play on the floor is safer than play on a raised surface such as a bed or a sofa.

A few songs, rhymes and books: choose some songs from your own childhood and a couple of sturdy baby books. Repeating them every day gives your baby something familiar to enjoy.

A kind rule for your phone: decide when and where the phone rests in the evening. Write down questions about your baby for the nurse instead of searching late at night.

A page for your baby's own firsts: a page in a notebook for the first smile, the first laugh and the firsts still to come, with no comparison to anyone. On hard days, it can remind you how far you have come together.

A person to call on a heavy day: choose someone you can call when your mood is low, and keep the number of your doctor, midwife or nurse close at hand. Make the same plan with a partner, if you have one, so that both of you know whom to turn to.