Chapter 7: Putting Down a Grudge

Three Years Later

Vera is forty-nine and works in the marketing department of a company that makes garden equipment. Three years ago, she spent months developing an idea for a new advertising campaign. A colleague named Gerard presented a version of it to the directors at a meeting she could not attend, and he did not mention her name. The campaign was a great success. Gerard was promoted. Vera was not.

She complained at the time, but nothing was done. Gerard said that the idea had been developed by the whole team. Her manager said it was difficult to know exactly who had contributed what. Vera felt betrayed, by Gerard and by the company. She has never forgotten it.

Three years later, she still thinks about it most days. When she sees Gerard in the corridor, her stomach tightens. When he speaks in meetings, she feels a flash of anger and finds herself looking for flaws in what he says. At home, she tells the story to her husband again and again, until he sighs and says, "Vera, I know." She lies awake some nights rehearsing what she would like to say to Gerard. She has even started to dislike her job, which she used to love, because the whole building seems to hold the memory.

One evening, her sister asks her a question that stops her. "Who is suffering more from this now, you or Gerard?" Vera thinks about it. Gerard seems perfectly happy. She is the one with the tight stomach, the sleepless nights and the job she no longer enjoys. She is still holding something that was handed to her three years ago, and it is burning her hands. This chapter is about grudges, and about what the Buddhist tradition says about putting them down.

"He Insulted Me, He Hurt Me"

The Dhammapada, the collection of short verses we met in the fifth chapter, begins with a series of verses about the mind. Verses three, four and five speak directly about grudges. Here they are in my own translation.

Verse three: "'He insulted me, he hurt me, he defeated me, he robbed me.' In those who keep thinking such thoughts, hatred does not cease." Verse four: "'He insulted me, he hurt me, he defeated me, he robbed me.' In those who do not keep thinking such thoughts, hatred ceases." Verse five: "Hatred is never ended by hatred in this world. By freedom from hatred alone is it ended. This is an ancient and lasting law."

These verses describe the grudge with great precision. Notice the repeated thought: he insulted me, he hurt me, he defeated me, he robbed me. It is the story of the injury, told over and over. And the verses observe that, as long as we keep telling ourselves this story, the hatred does not end. Each retelling keeps the fire burning. When we stop feeding the story, the hatred can begin to cool.

This is exactly what Vera has been doing. "Gerard stole my idea. He took my promotion. The company betrayed me." She has told the story to herself and to her husband hundreds of times. Each telling has kept her anger alive. The original injury happened once, three years ago. The retelling has made it happen again and again.

The fifth verse widens the view. Hatred never ends by hatred. If we respond to harm with hatred, the harm continues, now in our own hearts, and often in further conflict. This is true between individuals, between families and between groups. Only freedom from hatred, the verse says, can end it. This does not mean pretending the harm did not happen. It means refusing to let the harm keep living in us as hatred.

The Burning Coal

There is a popular saying about anger that is often shared today as if it were a quotation from the Buddha. It compares holding on to anger with grasping a hot coal in order to throw it at someone else, so that you are the one who gets burned. This saying is a modern paraphrase, and it is not found in the Buddha's discourses. But a similar image does appear in an older Buddhist book.

In the fifth century, a great Buddhist scholar named Buddhaghosa wrote a long manual of practice called the Visuddhimagga, "the path of purification". In its chapter on four qualities of the heart called the divine abodes, where he explains loving-kindness, he gives advice to a person who is struggling with resentment toward someone. In my own paraphrase, he tells such a person that, by being angry, they are like someone who wants to hit another and picks up a burning ember or a lump of dung to throw, and so burns or soils their own hand first.

The image is powerful because it is so physical. We can almost feel the heat in our palm. And it captures something true about grudges. When we hold on to anger at someone who has hurt us, we often imagine that we are punishing them. But very often, they are not suffering at all. We are the ones whose stomach tightens, whose sleep is disturbed, whose days are darkened. Like Vera, we are burning our own hand.

I mention the origin of the image because accuracy matters, and because many popular sayings are attributed to the Buddha without good reason. In this case, the popular saying is a modern one, but a similar image is genuinely Buddhist: it comes from a later teacher writing many centuries after the Buddha's time, not from the Buddha himself.

The image also contains a quiet insight about timing. The person throwing the coal must hold it before they can throw it, and the longer they hold it, waiting for the right moment, the worse the burn. Many grudges are like this. We hold on to them, waiting for a chance to say the perfect cutting words, to see the other person punished or to be proved right. The chance rarely comes. Meanwhile, we keep holding the coal.

Why We Hold On to Grudges

If grudges burn us, why do we hold on to them? The answer is not that we are foolish. Grudges serve purposes, or seem to.

One purpose is a sense of justice. When we have been wronged, letting go of our anger can feel like saying that the wrong did not matter, or that the person got away with it. Holding on to the grudge feels like keeping the injustice alive until it is set right. But often, it is never set right, and the grudge simply continues, as Vera's has for three years.

Another purpose is protection. Remembering how someone hurt us can help us avoid being hurt again. This is sensible. But a grudge is more than a memory. It is a memory soaked in anger, replayed constantly. We can remember to be careful with someone without keeping our anger burning.

A third purpose is identity. Over time, a grudge can become part of our story about who we are: the person who was betrayed, the one who was treated unfairly. Letting go of the grudge can feel like losing part of our self. This connects with the last chapter's teaching about holding tightly to a self-image.

A fourth purpose is that anger can feel better than sadness or helplessness. Underneath many grudges lies grief, disappointment or a sense of powerlessness. Anger can feel stronger and more energizing than these softer feelings. Holding on to anger can be a way of not feeling the hurt underneath.

Recognizing these purposes can help us be gentle with ourselves. We hold grudges for understandable reasons. But we can also see that the grudge rarely achieves what we hope. It does not bring justice. It protects us at a high cost. It keeps us defined by an old wound. And it hides feelings that might heal more quickly if we let ourselves feel them.

Letting Go Is Not Approving

It is very important to be clear about what putting down a grudge means and does not mean.

Putting down a grudge does not mean saying that what happened was acceptable. Gerard's behaviour, if it happened as Vera describes, was unfair. Letting go of the grudge does not change that. Vera can still believe that she was treated badly. She can still speak about it honestly when it is relevant.

It does not mean that we must reconcile with the person who hurt us, or trust them again, or spend time with them. In some cases, reconciliation is possible and good. In others, it is not wise. Letting go of a grudge is something that happens inside us. Whether to rebuild a relationship is a separate decision.

It does not mean giving up on justice or fairness. If something can be done to put a wrong right, such as raising a complaint through proper channels, seeking help from an organization or taking legal advice in serious cases, it may be right to do it. Letting go of hatred can actually help us pursue fairness more calmly and effectively.

And it absolutely does not mean staying in a situation where we are being harmed. If you are being abused, threatened or treated violently, the most important thing is your safety. Please seek help from people you trust and from services that support people in your situation, and if you are in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services. Letting go of hatred, if and when it comes, is for your own peace. It is never a reason to accept further harm.

It may also help to notice that letting go of a grudge is usually not a single moment of decision, but a direction. We do not wake up one day free of all resentment. Rather, we begin to turn away from feeding it, again and again, and over time it weakens. Some days the old anger returns strongly, and that is normal. Each time we notice it and choose not to rebuild it, we are walking further in the direction of freedom.

Ways of Loosening the Grip

In the same chapter of his manual, Buddhaghosa offers a series of practical suggestions for someone who finds it hard to let go of anger toward a person. They are written for monks and nuns in his time, but many of them can be adapted to ordinary life. Here are several, in my own words, with some modern reflections.

One suggestion is to recall the person's good qualities. Few people are wholly bad. If someone has hurt us in one way, they may still be kind in other ways, or have good qualities in their work or their family. Remembering this does not excuse what they did, but it can soften the image of them as a pure enemy, which often feeds our anger.

Another is to reflect that anger harms ourselves. This is the burning coal. Buddhaghosa suggests reminding ourselves that, by being angry, we are doing to ourselves what our enemy might wish to do to us: making us suffer, disturbing our peace, spoiling our days.

Another is to reflect that each person is the owner of their actions. The person who hurt us will live with the results of their actions. We do not need to carry the burden of punishing them in our hearts. Their actions belong to them, and ours belong to us.

Another is to practise loving-kindness, the warm wish for beings to be well, which we will explore further in a later chapter. Buddhaghosa suggests beginning with oneself and people one loves, and only gradually extending the wish toward difficult people. Wishing a difficult person well, even a little, can loosen the grip of hatred over time. This is not easy, and it is fine to start very small.

Buddhaghosa also makes a surprising suggestion: where it is safe and appropriate, to give the person a small gift, since an act of giving can soften the hearts of both giver and receiver. This will not be right in every situation, and it should never be done with someone who is dangerous. And many teachers add a simple piece of advice of their own: give it time, and if a particular person's presence keeps stirring your anger, keep a wise distance while your mind settles. Not every grudge can be dissolved at once. Sometimes, the first step is simply to stop feeding it, and let time do some of the work.

The Grudge Against Ourselves

Some of the heaviest grudges we carry are not against other people, but against ourselves. We may hold on for years to a mistake we made, a person we hurt, a chance we missed or a way we behaved. We replay it, judge ourselves harshly and refuse to let it go, as if continued punishment were the only way to show that we take it seriously.

The Buddhist teachings place great importance on taking responsibility for our actions. If we have harmed someone, it is right to acknowledge it, to make amends where possible and to learn from it. But endless self-punishment is not the same as responsibility. It is another kind of grudge, another burning coal held in our own hand.

The verses of the Dhammapada apply here too. "I did this, I failed at that, I hurt them, I ruined it." In those who keep thinking such thoughts, the hatred, now directed at ourselves, does not cease. Learning to let go of self-hatred, while still taking responsibility, may be one of the most important forms of letting go.

One helpful approach is to treat our past selves as we would treat a friend who had made the same mistake. We would not tell a friend to suffer forever. We would help them understand what happened, make what amends they could and move on with greater wisdom. We can offer ourselves the same kindness. If guilt or shame about the past feels overwhelming, please consider speaking with a counsellor or another qualified professional.

Four Lives, Four Grudges

Oluwaseun is thirty-three. Two years ago, her partner of five years ended their relationship suddenly and soon began a relationship with one of her friends. Oluwaseun has held on to her anger at both of them. She has blocked them everywhere and avoids places where she might see them. That is reasonable. But she also thinks about them constantly, imagining their happiness and her own humiliation. With the help of a counsellor, she begins to notice the "he hurt me, she betrayed me" story each time it starts. She does not force herself to forgive. She simply practises not replaying the story, turning her attention back to her own life each time. Slowly, over months, the burning becomes a dull ache, and then something quieter. She says she has not forgiven them, exactly, but she has stopped letting them fill her thoughts.

Gabriela is seventy and has not spoken to her younger sister for twelve years, after a quarrel about the care of their mother before she died. Each of them believes the other was selfish. When Gabriela hears that her sister has had a fall and is in hospital, the old anger rises, but beneath it, she feels a deep sadness. She realizes that the anger has been protecting her from grief: grief for their mother, and grief for the sister she lost. She goes to visit her sister in hospital. The first conversation is stiff. But they both cry, and they begin, slowly, to talk.

Malik is sixteen. His best friend told other students a secret that Malik had shared in confidence. Malik is humiliated and furious. He wants revenge, and he considers spreading a secret about his former friend in return. His uncle, whom he trusts, asks him what he thinks will happen if he does. Malik admits that it will make things worse. His uncle tells him about the verse that says hatred is not ended by hatred. Malik decides not to take revenge. He tells his former friend calmly that what he did was wrong and that he can no longer trust him. Then he spends more time with other friends. The hurt remains for a while, but the situation does not grow into a bigger conflict.

Vera, from the beginning of this chapter, takes her sister's question seriously. She makes a decision: she will not pretend that Gerard's behaviour was acceptable, but she will stop retelling the story. Each time it starts in her head, she will notice it, say silently "the old story" and turn her attention to her current work. She also makes sure that her contributions to new projects are clearly recorded, so that the same thing cannot happen again. Over the following months, she notices that she enjoys her work more. One day, she realizes that she has passed Gerard in the corridor without her stomach tightening. She feels lighter than she has in three years.

Oluwaseun, Gabriela, Malik and Vera each carried a grudge for good reasons. Each had been genuinely hurt. None of them pretended that the hurt had not happened. But each found that the grudge was burning them more than it was achieving anything, and each found a way to loosen its grip, for their own sake.

Practical Steps

First, notice the story. When a grudge arises, notice the familiar story: he hurt me, she betrayed me. Name it as a story, and see how often you retell it.

Second, ask who is burning. Ask yourself honestly: who is suffering more from this grudge now, me or the other person?

Third, look beneath the anger. Ask what hurt, grief or helplessness the anger might be covering. Allow yourself to feel it, with kindness.

Fourth, separate letting go from approving. Remind yourself that putting down the grudge does not mean the harm was acceptable, or that you must reconcile, or that you must give up on fairness.

Fifth, act where action is appropriate. If something can reasonably be done to address the harm or prevent it from happening again, do it calmly. Then stop feeding the story.

Sixth, give it time. Some grudges loosen quickly; others take years. Be patient with yourself, and seek support if the anger or hurt feels overwhelming.

A Short Practice: Setting Down the Coal

This practice takes about fifteen minutes. It is best done with a grudge of moderate size, not the deepest wound of your life. If you are dealing with a serious trauma, please seek professional support rather than working with it alone.

Sit comfortably and take a few slow breaths. Bring to mind a person you hold a grudge against, and the event that caused it. Notice what happens in your body: perhaps tightness, heat or heaviness. Notice the story that arises in your mind.

Now imagine that you are holding a burning coal in your hand. This coal is your anger toward this person. Feel its heat. Notice that it is burning your hand, not theirs. Notice that the person is not here; they cannot feel this heat at all.

Ask yourself: what am I hoping this coal will do? Perhaps you hope it will punish them, protect you or keep the injustice alive. Ask gently whether it is doing these things. Or whether it is mainly burning you.

Then imagine slowly opening your hand and letting the coal fall to the ground, where it can cool. You are not saying that the harm was acceptable. You are simply choosing to stop burning yourself. Notice how your hand feels as it opens.

If you feel ready, you might silently offer a small wish for yourself: "May I be free from this burning. May I be at peace." If you feel able, you might, very gently, offer a small wish for the other person: "May they learn. May they cause less harm." If this feels impossible, that is fine. The wish for yourself is enough for now.

Finish with a few slow breaths. You may need to repeat this practice many times. Each time, the coal may feel a little cooler.

Questions People Often Ask

"What if the person never apologizes?" Many people who hurt us never apologize, and we cannot make them. If we wait for an apology before letting go of our grudge, we may wait forever, burning our own hand the whole time. Letting go is something we can do for ourselves, whether or not the other person ever changes. If they do apologize one day, that can be a gift. But our peace does not have to depend on it.

"Is it wrong to feel angry when I have been wronged?" No. Anger is a natural response to being wronged, and it can carry important information, such as that a boundary has been crossed. The Buddhist teaching is not about never feeling anger, but about not holding on to it, feeding it and letting it turn into lasting hatred. You can feel the anger, learn from it, act wisely and then let it pass.

"What if the harm was very serious, such as abuse or violence?" In such cases, please seek support from qualified professionals and, where appropriate, from legal or protective services. Healing from serious harm is a long and personal process, and nobody should pressure you to forgive or to let go before you are ready. The ideas in this chapter may eventually help, alongside proper care and protection.

Chapter Summary

Grudges are among the heaviest things we carry. In the Dhammapada, verses 3 to 5, the thought "He insulted me, he hurt me, he defeated me, he robbed me" keeps hatred alive when it is repeated and lets it cease when it is not; hatred is never ended by hatred, but only by freedom from hatred. The popular saying about anger as a hot coal is a modern paraphrase often wrongly attributed to the Buddha; a similar image appears in the fifth-century Path of Purification by Buddhaghosa, who compared anger to picking up a burning ember to throw at someone and burning one's own hand first.

We hold grudges for understandable reasons: justice, protection, identity and avoiding softer feelings. But putting down a grudge does not mean approving the harm, reconciling, giving up on fairness or accepting further harm. Buddhaghosa suggested recalling the person's good qualities, remembering that anger harms ourselves, reflecting that each person owns their actions, practising loving-kindness and even giving a small gift; many teachers add: give it time. Grudges against ourselves also need gentle letting go.

In the next chapter, we look at the Buddha's middle way, and at a lesson about effort that he gave using the strings of a musical instrument.