Closing Words

When I began writing this book, I imagined it as a book about loss: about giving up things, letting go of people, accepting change. By the end, I realized that it had become a book about something else as well. It is about making room. Each time we loosen our grip on a grudge, a fear, an expectation or a possession, something comes into the space it leaves: ease, kindness, attention, joy.

The people in these pages are imagined, but their grips are real. Marisa with her dozen ropes, Felipe with his twisted ankle, Teresa with her raft, Vera with her burning coal, Lindiwe with her mother's recipes, Aditi with her two reviews: I suspect that you recognized some of yourself in them, as I did. None of them became perfectly free. Each of them became a little lighter. That is the most any of us can hope for in a single year, and it is a great deal.

The teachings in this book are very old, and they have been tested by many millions of people over many centuries. But they were offered, from the beginning, as an invitation rather than a command: come and see for yourself. I hope you will keep seeing for yourself, in the ordinary moments of your days, what happens when you hold on and what happens when you let go.

Thank you for reading. May your hands be open, your heart be light and your days be full of the quiet joy of holding life lightly.

Key Terms in This Book

Letting go: loosening the grip of the mind on something; not the same as giving up or not caring. Clinging (upādāna): the mind's grip on things, people, ideas or the self, a word also used for the fuel of a fire. Craving (taṇhā): restless wanting, literally "thirst", the main cause of suffering in the Four Noble Truths. Dukkha: suffering, unsatisfactoriness or unease.

The Four Noble Truths: life contains suffering; craving is its main cause; suffering can end; the Eightfold Path leads to its ending. The Eightfold Path: right understanding, intention, speech, action, livelihood, effort, mindfulness and concentration. The middle way: the path between harsh self-denial and the chase after pleasure. The second arrow: the extra suffering we add to unavoidable pain.

Impermanence (anicca): the truth that everything that arises changes and passes away. Non-self (anattā): the teaching that no fixed, unchanging self can be found in body or mind. The five aggregates: body, feelings, perceptions, mental formations and consciousness. Conceit (māna): the habit of measuring oneself as better, equal or worse than others.

Loving-kindness (mettā): the warm wish for beings to be well and happy. Compassion (karuṇā): the wish for beings to be free from suffering. Sympathetic joy (muditā): gladness at the happiness of others. Equanimity (upekkhā): balance of mind in gain and loss, praise and blame. The near enemy: a quality that looks like a good quality but is subtly different, such as attachment for love or indifference for equanimity.

Generosity (dāna): giving, the first practice of letting go. The eight worldly conditions: gain and loss, fame and disrepute, praise and blame, pleasure and pain. Sutta: a discourse of the Buddha. Dhammapada: a collection of short verses traditionally attributed to the Buddha.

A Note on the Sources

Most of the teachings in this book come from the early Buddhist texts preserved in the Pali language. They are retold in my own words, with the name of the collection and, where it is standard, the number of each discourse: the Saṃyutta Nikāya (SN 22.59, 36.6, 45.2, 47.13, 56.11), the Majjhima Nikāya (MN 22, 54, 61), the Aṅguttara Nikāya (AN 3.65, 4.62, 5.57, 6.37, 6.55, 8.5 and 8.6, and the Loṇaphala Sutta on the lump of salt in the Book of the Threes), the Dīgha Nikāya (DN 16), the Sutta Nipāta (1.8), the Udāna (6.4), the Itivuttaka (26) and the Dhammapada (verses 3 to 5, 81, 186, 200, 204, 227 to 228 and 365). Numbering systems differ between editions, so a passage may appear under a neighbouring number in some translations.

Some stories come from later sources, and I have said so in the text: the questions of King Milinda (the chariot), the commentaries (Kisā Gotamī, the story of Atula and the setting of Dhammapada verse 200), the fifth-century manual of Buddhaghosa, the Visuddhimagga or Path of Purification (the burning ember behind the popular hot-coal saying, and the near enemies), a well-known story told in Zen circles (the two monks and the woman at the river) and the remembered teaching of the twentieth-century forest teacher Ajahn Chah (the glass that is already broken). The image of the hungry ghost comes from Buddhist cosmology and later art and storytelling.

Several sayings that are widely presented as the Buddha's words do not appear in the early texts, and I have avoided them. Where I mention modern research, such as studies of how people get used to new things or of giving and happiness, I describe only general findings and say where they vary. Buddhism is a living and varied tradition, and this book draws mainly on its early teachings as a practical philosophy. Readers who wish to learn more will find many good translations and introductions, and communities of practice in many places.

A Note on Care

Some chapters of this book touch on grief, anger, loss and painful memories. If you are going through a very hard time, please reach out to people you trust and to a doctor, counsellor or another qualified professional. Letting go is never a reason to accept harm: if you are being hurt or threatened by anyone, your safety comes first, and support services and, in danger, emergency services can help.

If you ever feel that you cannot go on, or have thoughts of ending your life, please contact a crisis helpline, a doctor or your local emergency services right away. Reaching out is not a failure of letting go. It is an act of care for the life you are holding.

The people in this book's examples are imagined, and any resemblance to real people is not intended.

About the Author

The author has spent many years reading the old Buddhist texts and trying, with mixed success, to live by them: letting go of grudges, plans, possessions and the occasional strong opinion, and then picking most of them up again and starting over. The author is not a monk, a nun or a teacher, only a fellow traveller who has found these teachings wise, kind and practical. When not writing, the author enjoys long walks by rivers, giving away books after reading them and the slow work of a small vegetable garden.