Chapter 8: The Three Tasks of Life: Work, Friendship and Love

Seventy Hours a Week

Tobias is forty-two and runs a small plumbing business with three employees. He started it ten years ago with one van and a set of tools. Now the business is doing well. He has more customers than he can handle, a good reputation and a steady income. He works about seventy hours a week, including most Saturdays and some Sundays. His phone is always on.

When people ask Tobias how he is, he says, "Busy, but good." And in a way, it is true. He is proud of his business, and he enjoys solving problems. But in quiet moments, which are rare, he notices that something is missing. He has not seen his old friends in over a year. He used to play football with them every week, but he stopped when the business grew. His partner, Hanne, has started going to bed before he gets home. Their conversations have become short and practical: bills, repairs, schedules.

Last month, Tobias went to the wedding of a cousin. Sitting at a table with people his own age, he realized that he had almost nothing to talk about except work. When someone asked about his hobbies, he could not think of any. When someone asked about his friends, he mentioned his employees. On the way home, Hanne said quietly, "You seemed lonely tonight." Tobias was surprised, and a little hurt. But he could not say she was wrong.

Tobias has done very well in one area of his life and has, almost without noticing, let two other areas fade. He is not alone in this. Many people put all their energy into one part of life, whether work, a relationship or family, and neglect the others. Sometimes this happens because of real necessity. Sometimes it happens because one area feels safer than the others.

Adler offered a simple map for thinking about this. He believed that every human life faces three main tasks, and that a good life involves meeting all three, not perfectly, but with courage and cooperation. This chapter looks at that map and what it can tell us about our relationships.

Three Ties That Bind Every Life

In the first chapter of What Life Should Mean to You, Adler described what he saw as three basic facts that every human being must face. In my own words, the first is that we live on this earth, with its limited resources, and we must find ways to make a living and contribute to the common life. The second is that we are not the only members of the human race. We live among others, and we must find ways to cooperate and get along with them. The third is that human beings form close bonds of love and partnership, and through them the human family continues.

From these three facts come what Adler called the three tasks of life: the task of work, the task of friendship, which he sometimes described more broadly as the task of community, and the task of love. Adler wrote about the third task in the language of his time, as the relationship between the sexes. Today, many people think of it more broadly as the task of love and close partnership, in the many forms such relationships take.

Adler believed that all three tasks are social. Even work, which might seem to be a matter of individual effort, is a way of contributing to others and depending on others. The plumber fixes the pipes that the baker needs, the baker makes the bread that the teacher eats, the teacher educates the children who will become the next plumbers. Every job is part of a great web of cooperation. Friendship and love are even more clearly social. In all three, we find our place among people.

Adler also believed that the three tasks are connected. Difficulty in one usually affects the others. A person who is very unhappy at work may bring tension home to a partner. A person whose love relationship is in trouble may find it hard to concentrate at work. A person without friends may lean too heavily on a partner for all their social needs. Seeing the three tasks together helps us understand why trouble in one area of life so often spreads to others.

Later teachers in Adler's tradition sometimes added further tasks, such as the relationship with oneself or the search for meaning. These additions can be helpful. But Adler's original three remain a useful and simple map. When something feels wrong in our lives, it is often worth asking: how am I doing in each of the three tasks?

When One Task Hides Another

Adler noticed that people sometimes put great energy into one task in order to avoid another. A person who is afraid of closeness might work extremely long hours, so that they never have time for a relationship. A person who feels inadequate at work might pour everything into a relationship, so that they never have to test themselves professionally. A person who finds friendship difficult might focus entirely on family, so that they never have to risk rejection by new people.

This does not mean that people who work hard, or who focus on love or family, are always avoiding something. Many people throw themselves into one task because they love it or because circumstances require it. A new parent may have little time for friends. A person starting a business may work long hours for a period. A person caring for a sick relative may have to put work aside. These are not failures. They are seasons of life.

The question is whether an imbalance has become fixed, and whether it is serving a hidden purpose. Adler encouraged people to look honestly at their lives and ask: am I neglecting one of these tasks? If so, why? Is it necessity, or is it fear? Is my busyness in one area a way of avoiding the courage another area would require?

For Tobias, the honest answer was uncomfortable. His business had truly needed long hours in the early years. But it no longer did. He could hire another plumber. He could turn off his phone on Sundays. He had not done these things, and when he asked himself why, he found a quiet fear. At work, he knew he was good. He knew what to do and how to do it. With friends and with Hanne, things felt less certain. Conversations could go wrong. Feelings could be hurt. Work had become a safe place to hide from the riskier tasks of friendship and love.

Adler believed that meeting all three tasks requires courage. Each task involves the possibility of failure, disappointment or rejection. A person who avoids a task is often protecting themselves from that possibility. But the protection has a cost: a life that is narrower, lonelier and more fragile than it needs to be. If Tobias's business ever failed, he would have nothing else to stand on. Balance across the three tasks is not only richer. It is also safer.

Ayesha and the One Relationship

Ayesha is thirty-three and has been with her partner, Idris, for six years. She loves him deeply, and their relationship is the centre of her life. She spends almost all her free time with him. Over the years, she has gradually stopped seeing her friends. Some of them moved away. Others she simply lost touch with, because she always chose to be with Idris instead.

Recently, Idris took a new job that requires him to travel for work several days a month. When he is away, Ayesha feels lost. She does not know what to do with her evenings. She calls him several times a day and feels hurt when he is too busy to talk for long. Idris has started to feel pressure, as if he is responsible for all of Ayesha's happiness. They have begun to argue.

When Ayesha thought about the three tasks, she saw that she had put all her social needs into the task of love. Her partner had become her only friend, her only confidant and her only source of company. No single person can carry all of that. The task of friendship had faded, and now her relationship was struggling under the weight.

Ayesha also noticed something more difficult. Part of the reason she had let her friendships fade was that friendships felt less certain than her relationship with Idris. With him, she knew she was loved. With friends, she had to risk not being invited, not being understood or not being liked. Giving everything to the love task had been, in part, a way of avoiding the small risks of the friendship task. Seeing this did not make her feel ashamed. It made her feel ready to try.

Ayesha decided to rebuild her friendships slowly. She contacted two old friends and suggested meeting for coffee. One of them was delighted. The other did not reply, which hurt, but Ayesha kept trying. She joined a cooking class on one of the evenings when Idris was usually away. She found that she enjoyed it, and she began to talk with some of the other students.

Over several months, Ayesha's life became wider. She still loves Idris, and their relationship is still central to her. But it no longer carries everything. When Idris is away, she has plans of her own. When he returns, she has things to tell him that he did not already know. Their arguments have become less frequent, and their time together feels lighter. "I thought I was being a loving partner by making him my whole world," Ayesha says. "But a whole world is too heavy for one person to hold."

Felix and the Task He Avoids

Felix is twenty-four. He finished his studies two years ago but has not yet found steady work. At first, he applied for many jobs. After several rejections, he stopped applying. Now he spends most of his days at home, playing video games, watching videos and sleeping late. He sees his friends online and occasionally in person. His parents, with whom he lives, are worried.

Felix is not lazy, although his parents sometimes fear he is. He is discouraged. Each rejection felt like a judgment on his worth, and eventually it became easier not to try than to risk another rejection. In Adler's terms, Felix is avoiding the task of work because he has lost his courage. The games and videos are not the cause of his difficulty. They are a comfortable place to wait, where nothing can go wrong.

Felix's parents tried pushing him at first, with lectures and arguments. This made things worse. Felix felt criticized and withdrew further. Then his aunt, who had herself gone through a long period of unemployment, suggested a different approach. Instead of pushing Felix toward a job, she invited him to help her once a week with her small online shop, packing orders and updating the website. It was not a real job, but it was a small piece of the work task, low in risk and useful to someone.

Felix agreed, a little reluctantly. To his surprise, he enjoyed it. He was good at organizing the shop's website, and his aunt told him so, specifically and sincerely. She began asking his advice on other things. After a few months, Felix felt a small return of confidence. He started applying for jobs again, this time for positions related to website management. The third application led to an interview, and the interview led to a part-time job.

Felix's story shows that a person who has avoided a life task often needs encouragement and a small, safe step, rather than pressure. It also shows the value of contribution. Helping his aunt reminded Felix that he was useful, and that reminder gave him courage. If a young person in Felix's situation seems very low for a long time, loses interest in everything or talks about feeling hopeless, it is important for them to talk to a doctor or another qualified professional. Discouragement and serious low mood can look similar from the outside, and both deserve care.

Zara and the New Balance

Zara is fifty-eight and worked for many years as a senior nurse in a busy hospital. She loved her work, and her colleagues were her closest friends. Her two children are grown, and her marriage is steady, if a little quiet. Two years ago, Zara became seriously ill and had to stop working for a long period of treatment and recovery. When she finally recovered, she decided not to return to her old job, which had become too demanding for her health.

The loss of her work was harder than Zara expected. Without her job, she lost not only the task of work but also much of her friendship task, because her friends had been her colleagues. She found herself at home most days, with her husband at work and her children busy with their own lives. She felt adrift.

During her recovery, Zara had time to think about her life, and she realized that work had been carrying almost everything for her: her sense of usefulness, her friendships and her identity. Her marriage had become quiet partly because she had so little energy left for it after long shifts. She decided that this new stage of life was a chance to build a better balance.

Zara found a part-time role teaching first aid to community groups, which used her skills without exhausting her. She joined a walking group and a book club, where she made new friends who were not connected to her work. And she and her husband began to spend more time together, taking short trips at weekends and cooking together in the evenings. "We had become two people who shared a house," she says. "Now we are two people who share a life again."

Zara would not have chosen her illness, and she does not pretend it was a gift. But she says that it forced her to look at the three parts of her life and to see how unbalanced they had become. "I gave everything to one task," she says. "When it was taken away, I had to learn how to live in all three. I am happier now than I was before, though I would not have believed that possible."

Zara's story is a reminder that a balanced life is not only something for people with free time. She was a busy, dedicated nurse who gave a great deal to others. Her imbalance came not from selfishness but from generosity in one direction. Many people who work in caring roles, or who care for family members, know this pattern well. Giving generously is a good thing. But even generous people need friendships and love that are not part of their work, so that they have somewhere to rest.

Practical Steps: Tending All Three Tasks

The first step is to take stock. Think about each of the three tasks in your own life: work, friendship and love. Work includes paid work, unpaid work at home, study, caring for others and any other way you contribute. Friendship includes friends, neighbours, community groups and your sense of belonging to a wider community. Love includes a partner, if you have one, and close family bonds. For each task, ask: how am I doing? Where am I putting my energy? Where am I not?

The second step is to look for avoidance. If one task has faded, ask honestly why. Is it necessity, such as a demanding season of life? Or is it fear: of rejection, of failure, of closeness? If it is fear, you have found a place where a little courage could make a big difference.

The third step is to take one small step in the neglected task. You do not need to change your whole life. Tobias began by turning off his phone on Sunday afternoons and calling one old friend. Ayesha began with one coffee. Felix began with one afternoon a week helping his aunt. Small steps are less frightening, and they build courage for the next step.

The fourth step is to remember that each task supports the others. Time spent with friends is not time stolen from your partner. It often enriches your relationship. Time spent away from work is not time stolen from your business. It often makes you more creative and more resilient at work. A balanced life is not a weaker life. It is a stronger one.

The fifth step is to bring social interest into each task. In work, ask how your work serves others. In friendship, ask how you can contribute to your friends, not only what they can give you. In love, ask how you can cooperate with your partner as an equal. Adler believed that social interest is the thread that connects all three tasks, and that a person who brings it to each will find each one more rewarding.

The sixth step is to review your balance regularly. Life changes, and the balance that suited you last year may not suit you now. Every few months, take stock again. Notice what has changed and adjust where needed.

Balance Is Not Equal Hours

It would be a mistake to think that meeting all three tasks means giving them equal amounts of time. Most people spend far more hours at work than with friends, and that is normal. Balance does not mean equal hours. It means that none of the three tasks is completely neglected, and that we are not using one to hide from the others.

It is also important to recognize that many people cannot easily meet all three tasks, not because of fear, but because of circumstances. A person who is unemployed through no fault of their own, a person caring full time for a disabled child, a person who has lost a partner, a person with a long illness or a person living in a place where they know nobody may find one or more tasks very hard to meet. These are not personal failures. They are difficult situations, and they deserve support and understanding.

For people in such situations, Adler's map can still be useful, but it should be used gently. Instead of asking "Why am I failing at this task?", it may be more helpful to ask "What small part of this task is possible for me now?" A person caring full time for a child may not be able to go out with friends, but they may be able to call one friend each week. A person without paid work may find a way to contribute through volunteering or helping a neighbour. Even a small connection with each task can make a life feel more complete.

It is also worth remembering that the tasks can sometimes overlap in helpful ways. A person who volunteers may meet new friends while contributing through work. A couple who take a class together may strengthen both their love and their friendships. A person who works in a team they like may find that work and friendship support each other. Looking for these overlaps can make it easier to tend all three tasks when time and energy are limited.

A Short Exercise: The Three-Task Check

This exercise helps you look at the balance of your life and choose one small step. It takes about fifteen minutes and can be repeated every few months.

Take a page and draw three columns, labelled Work, Friendship and Love. Remember that work includes all the ways you contribute, paid or unpaid; friendship includes community and belonging; and love includes a partner and close family.

In each column, write a few words about how this part of your life is going now. What is good? What is missing? How much energy are you giving it? Then, at the bottom of each column, give it a simple mark from one to five, where one means "very neglected or very difficult" and five means "going well". This is not a score to judge yourself by. It is just a way of seeing the shape of your life.

Look at the three marks. Is one much lower than the others? If so, ask yourself why. Write a sentence about whether the reason is necessity, fear or something else. Be honest and kind with yourself.

Finally, write one small step you could take in the coming week in the lowest column. Make it small enough that you are fairly sure you will do it. "Message one old friend." "Ask my partner to go for a walk on Saturday." "Offer to help at the community centre for one hour." Do it, and then write a line about how it felt.

Tobias did this exercise after the wedding. His marks were Work 5, Friendship 1 and Love 2. His step for the first week was to call his old football friend. They talked for an hour and arranged to meet. Three months later, Tobias had hired another plumber, turned his phone off on Sundays and rejoined the Thursday evening football game. He and Hanne had started going out for dinner once a week. When he did the check again, his marks were Work 4, Friendship 3 and Love 4. "My work went down by one," he said, "and my life went up by four."

Chapter Summary

Adler described three basic tasks that every human life faces: work, friendship and love (What Life Should Mean to You, first chapter). All three are social, and all three are connected, so that difficulty in one tends to spread to the others. People sometimes put great energy into one task in order to avoid the courage another requires. Balance across the three tasks is not only richer but safer, because a life built on one task alone is fragile.

Tobias and his seventy-hour weeks, Ayesha and her one relationship, Felix and his avoided work task and Zara after her illness all found that looking at the three tasks together helped them see what was missing and take small, courageous steps. Balance does not mean equal hours, and circumstances can make some tasks very hard to meet. In such cases, even a small connection with each task can help.

In the next chapter, we will look more closely at the second task, friendship, and at the particular difficulty many adults have in making and keeping friends.