Chapter 7: Side by Side, Not Above and Below

The Young Reporter and the Old Hand

Dev is twenty-seven and works as a reporter at a small local radio station. He is one of the youngest people there. His closest colleague is Margarethe, who is sixty-one and has worked at the station for more than thirty years. She knows everyone in the area, has a voice that listeners love and can write a news bulletin in ten minutes that would take Dev an hour.

Dev admires Margarethe enormously, and this has become a problem. In meetings, he never disagrees with her. When she suggests a story, he agrees at once, even when he has doubts. When she edits his work, he accepts every change without question, including changes he thinks make the story worse. He feels like a student in the presence of a great teacher, and he behaves accordingly.

At the same time, Dev has noticed that he feels a strange resentment toward Margarethe. Sometimes, when she corrects him, he feels small and childish. Sometimes he catches himself wishing she would make a mistake. And on the rare occasions when he has an idea she has not thought of, he feels a secret thrill of triumph, as if he had won a point in a game. He does not like these feelings, and he does not understand them.

Margarethe, meanwhile, has her own experience of the relationship. She likes Dev and thinks he has talent. But she finds it tiring that he never challenges her. She would like a colleague who brings new ideas and tells her when she is out of touch with younger listeners. She has started to feel that she must make every decision herself, and that Dev is not really a partner in the work.

What Dev and Margarethe are caught in is something Adler thought about deeply: the difference between relationships in which one person stands above another, and relationships in which people stand side by side as equals. This chapter explores that difference and why it matters so much for our everyday relationships.

Adler's Belief in Equality

Adler held a strong belief in the equal worth of all human beings. In his time, many people took it for granted that some people were naturally superior to others: men to women, adults to children, the rich to the poor, some groups to other groups. Adler rejected these assumptions. He believed that every person has equal value as a human being, whatever their sex, age, background or position.

He was especially clear about the equality of women and men. In Understanding Human Nature, he wrote at length about the harm caused by the belief that men are superior to women. He argued that this belief damaged both women and men, distorting their development and their relationships. He saw many problems in marriages and families as results of one partner trying to stand above the other. This was a bold position in the early twentieth century, and it remains one of the most modern parts of his thinking.

Adler also believed in equality between parents and children, not in their roles, but in their worth. A parent has more experience and more responsibility, and must guide and protect a child. But Adler thought that a child should be treated with respect as a full human being, not as a possession or an inferior. He warned against both harsh, controlling parenting and soft, pampering parenting, because both, in different ways, fail to treat the child as a capable person.

Why did equality matter so much to Adler? Part of the answer lies in his ideas about inferiority and superiority, which we explored in Chapter 3. When relationships are organized as above and below, someone is always being made to feel small. The person below feels inferior and may become discouraged, resentful or submissive. The person above may feel superior, but this position is anxious too, because it must be defended. Neither person is free.

Relationships between equals, in Adler's view, are the natural home of social interest. When people see each other as equals, they can cooperate. They can share ideas, disagree respectfully, help each other and learn from each other. Each person contributes what they can, and each person's contribution is valued. This is the kind of relationship in which belonging grows most easily.

Above and Below in Everyday Life

Relationships of above and below are not always obvious. They do not only happen between bosses and workers or between parents and children. They can appear between friends, partners, colleagues, neighbours and even strangers. Often, neither person intends to create them. They arise from habits, fears and assumptions that we hardly notice.

One sign of an above-and-below relationship is that one person always judges and the other is always judged. In Chapter 6, we saw how praise can work this way: the person who praises takes the position of a judge. Criticism works the same way. When one person constantly evaluates the other, whether kindly or harshly, the relationship becomes like a ladder, with one person higher than the other.

Another sign is that one person always gives way. Dev always agrees with Margarethe. Some partners always let the other decide where to go, what to buy or how to spend the weekend. Some friends always fit their plans around the other. Giving way occasionally is a normal part of cooperation. Always giving way is a sign that one person has placed themselves below.

A third sign is a hidden contest. When people stand above and below, they often start, without meaning to, to compete. Dev's secret thrill when he had an idea Margarethe had missed is a sign of this. If he feels below her, then every small victory feels like climbing a rung on the ladder. Such contests are tiring, and they quietly damage trust.

A fourth sign is that people speak differently depending on who is present. Someone may be confident with friends but silent with a particular relative, or relaxed with younger colleagues but nervous with older ones. They may change their opinions, their tone of voice or even their posture. These changes often show where we have placed ourselves on an invisible ladder. Noticing them can tell us a great deal about which relationships feel equal and which do not.

In a side-by-side relationship, things look different. People may have different roles, different skills and different amounts of experience, but they respect each other as equals. They can say "I disagree" without fear and "I was wrong" without shame. They ask each other's opinions and take them seriously. They thank each other for contributions. And they do not need to win, because they are not in a contest. They are working on something together.

Dev Finds His Voice

When Dev began to understand this, he saw that his admiration for Margarethe had turned into a kind of submission. He had placed her above him and himself below her. This had seemed respectful, but it was actually disrespectful in a quiet way, both to her and to himself. It denied Margarethe the honest partner she wanted, and it denied Dev the chance to contribute fully.

Dev decided to try standing beside Margarethe rather than below her. The next time she edited one of his stories in a way he disagreed with, he said, carefully, "I see why you changed this. Can I explain why I wrote it the other way?" He explained that he thought younger listeners would respond better to a different opening. Margarethe listened, thought about it and said, "You may be right. Let us try it your way."

Over the following weeks, Dev began to share more ideas in meetings. Some were accepted, some were not. When Margarethe disagreed with him, he no longer felt crushed. When she agreed, he no longer felt triumphant. He felt like a colleague. He also began to ask her more questions about her long experience, not as a student asking a master, but as a colleague who was curious. She enjoyed sharing her knowledge, and he learned more from her than before.

The resentment Dev had felt disappeared almost completely. He realized that it had come from feeling small, and that he had been the one who made himself small. Margarethe had never wanted to stand above him. Once he stood beside her, there was nothing left to resent.

Margarethe noticed the change too. She told Dev one afternoon that she had begun to look forward to their story meetings again. "I have been doing this for thirty years," she said. "I need someone who sees things I do not see anymore. You are doing that now." Dev went home that evening feeling, for the first time, that he truly belonged at the station.

Maren and the Money Conversation

Maren is forty-three and lives with her partner, Erik. They have been together for twelve years and have two children. Erik earns considerably more than Maren, who works part time as a dental hygienist so that she can be home when the children return from school. Over the years, a pattern has formed. Erik makes most of the financial decisions. He decides what they can afford, how much they save and whether they can take a holiday. Maren rarely questions him.

Maren has begun to feel uneasy about this arrangement. She does not think Erik is unkind or controlling. But she has noticed that she feels like a child when she asks him for money for something she wants. She has noticed that her opinions about money seem to count for less than his. And she has started to wonder whether her work at home and her part-time job are valued as much as his full-time work.

When Maren thought about Adler's ideas, she saw that their relationship had become, in this area, above and below. Because Erik earned more, both of them had assumed, without saying it, that he should decide. But the money they shared was the result of both their contributions: his salary, her salary and her many hours of work at home, which made it possible for Erik to work long hours. Their contributions were different, but neither was worth less.

Maren raised the subject with Erik one evening, gently. She said that she felt they should make financial decisions together, as equals. Erik was surprised. He said he had thought he was taking a burden off her shoulders by handling the money. He had not realized that she felt left out. They agreed to sit down together once a month to look at their budget and make decisions jointly. They also agreed that each of them would have a small amount of money each month to spend however they chose, without needing to ask.

The change was small, but it made a large difference to how Maren felt in the relationship. She now has a voice in decisions that affect her whole family. Erik has found, to his surprise, that he enjoys sharing the responsibility. "I used to worry about money alone," he says. "Now we worry about it together, which is much less worrying." This is what Adler meant by cooperation between equals: two people, with different roles and contributions, sharing a task side by side.

Oskar and His Grandson

Oskar is seventy-two and recently bought his first smartphone. His grandson, Leon, who is seventeen, offered to teach him how to use it. Oskar accepted, but the lessons did not go well at first. Leon spoke quickly, used words Oskar did not understand and sighed when Oskar made mistakes. Oskar felt foolish and old. After the second lesson, he told his daughter he would not bother with the phone after all.

Leon's mother talked with him about it. She asked him how he would feel if Oskar taught him something he knew nothing about, such as fixing a bicycle, and sighed every time Leon made a mistake. Leon admitted he would feel terrible. He also admitted that he had been enjoying, a little, the feeling of knowing more than his grandfather for once. His mother smiled and said that was natural, but that it was not the way to help.

At the next lesson, Leon tried a different approach. He slowed down, explained one thing at a time and let Oskar try each step himself. When Oskar made a mistake, Leon said, "That is all right. It is confusing at first. Try again." He also asked Oskar questions about his own life, and discovered that his grandfather had been an electrical engineer who had worked on the first mobile telephone networks in their region. Oskar began to explain how telephone signals worked in his day, and Leon found it fascinating.

The lessons became a two-way exchange. Leon taught Oskar how to send messages, take photographs and make video calls. Oskar taught Leon about electrical circuits, how to repair small machines and stories of his working life. They began to see each other differently. Leon no longer saw his grandfather as an old man who could not keep up. Oskar no longer saw his grandson as a boy who did not know anything about real life.

Oskar now uses his phone every day, mainly to send Leon photographs of the birds in his garden. Leon replies with questions about what kind of birds they are. "I used to think that teaching meant being the one above," Leon says. "But it works much better when we are both learning." Adler would have recognized this immediately. Each of them had something to offer the other. Neither was above or below.

Nadira and Her Staff

Nadira is forty-nine and owns a small tailoring shop, where she employs four people. She started the business herself twenty years ago, and she is proud of it. For most of that time, she has run it with a firm hand. She makes all the decisions, checks everyone's work and corrects mistakes immediately. Her staff are skilled and loyal, but they rarely speak up, and they never suggest improvements.

Recently, Nadira lost two important customers to a newer shop that offered faster service and online booking. She was frustrated that none of her staff had suggested such changes. When she mentioned this to a friend, the friend asked, "Have you ever asked them for ideas?" Nadira realized that she had not. She had always assumed that, as the owner, the ideas should come from her.

Nadira decided to try a different approach. She called a meeting, explained the situation honestly and asked her staff what they thought. At first, they were hesitant, unused to being asked. But slowly, ideas began to come. One tailor suggested a simple booking system using a free online calendar. Another suggested offering a faster service for simple repairs. A third mentioned that customers often asked for advice on which fabrics to choose, and suggested a small display.

Nadira was surprised by how good the ideas were, and a little ashamed that she had never asked before. She put several of them into practice. She also began to change her daily habits: asking her staff for their opinions, thanking them for their contributions and letting them make more decisions about their own work. She remained the owner, with the final responsibility. But she began to lead from beside her staff, rather than from above them.

Within a year, the shop had won back one of the lost customers and gained several new ones. More importantly, Nadira's staff seemed happier and more engaged. One of them, who had worked there for eight years, told Nadira that she felt, for the first time, that the shop was partly hers too. Nadira says that leading as an equal was harder than giving orders, at first. "But I am not carrying the whole shop on my shoulders anymore," she says. "We carry it together."

Practical Steps: Moving Side by Side

The first step is to notice where you stand in your relationships. Think about the people you see most often: family, partner, friends, colleagues. In each relationship, do you tend to feel above, below or beside the other person? There is no need to judge. Simply notice the patterns.

The second step is, where you feel below, to practise speaking as an equal. This might mean offering an opinion, disagreeing respectfully or asking for what you need. Dev began by explaining his reasons for a choice. Maren began by asking to make decisions together. Start with something small, and say it calmly.

The third step is, where you feel above, to practise asking and listening. If you are a parent, a manager, a teacher or simply the more experienced person in a relationship, ask the other person for their views and take them seriously. Nadira's simple question, "What do you think?", changed her whole shop.

The fourth step is to replace judging with sharing. Instead of evaluating someone from above, with praise or criticism, try sharing your own experience, asking questions and thanking them. This helps two people step off the ladder and stand side by side.

The fifth step is to let go of the contest. If you notice yourself keeping score, feeling triumphant when you win a point or crushed when you lose one, remind yourself that you are not in a race. Ask instead: "What are we trying to do together, and how can I help?"

The sixth step is to look for what the other person can teach you. Every person, whatever their age, position or background, knows things you do not. Like Leon and Oskar, you may find that a relationship you thought was one-way has much more to offer when you see it as two people learning from each other.

Equal Worth, Different Roles

It would be a misunderstanding to think that equality means that everyone must be the same, or that roles and responsibilities should disappear. Adler did not believe this. A parent has responsibilities toward a young child that the child does not have toward the parent. A manager is responsible for decisions that affect a team. A teacher knows more than a pupil about the subject being taught. These differences are real, and they matter.

Equality also does not mean that experience and skill count for nothing. Margarethe's thirty years at the radio station are valuable, and Dev is wise to learn from them. Oskar's knowledge of electrical circuits is real expertise. Respecting someone's knowledge is not the same as placing ourselves below them. We can admire a person's skill, ask for their guidance and follow their lead in their area of expertise, while still seeing them, and ourselves, as people of equal worth. In fact, it is often easier to learn from someone when we are not busy feeling small beside them.

What Adler meant by equality is equality of worth and respect. A parent can guide a child while respecting the child as a full person. A manager can make decisions while valuing the opinions of the team. A teacher can teach while learning from pupils' questions. Different roles do not need to mean that one person is worth more than another.

It is also worth saying that some relationships are unequal in harmful ways. If someone uses their position to control, frighten or exploit another person, the problem is not a lack of equal attitude on the part of the person being harmed. It is an abuse of power. In such situations, the right step is to seek support, to use any fair processes available and, if there is danger, to seek help from services that can protect you.

A Short Exercise: Above, Below or Beside?

This exercise helps you see the shape of your relationships and choose one to move toward equality. It takes about fifteen minutes.

Take a page and write the names of eight to ten people you see often, in different parts of your life. Next to each name, draw a small symbol: an arrow pointing up if you tend to feel below that person, an arrow pointing down if you tend to feel above them and a short horizontal line if you tend to feel beside them as an equal. Be honest. Most people find a mix.

Look at the arrows. For each one, ask yourself what happens in that relationship that creates the feeling. Do you always agree with this person? Do they always decide? Do you often judge them? Do you feel you must prove yourself to them? Write a few words next to each name.

Choose one relationship with an arrow and write one small action you could take in the coming week to move it toward a horizontal line. If you feel below, it might be offering one honest opinion. If you feel above, it might be asking one real question and listening to the answer. If the relationship feels unsafe, do not choose it for this exercise; choose another.

At the end of the week, write a few lines about what happened. Did the relationship feel any different? Did the other person respond in an unexpected way? Dev did this exercise at the start of his change. Next to Margarethe's name he drew an arrow pointing up and wrote, "I always agree." His action was: "Explain my reasons once this week." A year later, he did the exercise again. Next to Margarethe's name, he drew a horizontal line.

Chapter Summary

Adler believed in the equal worth of all people, including women and men and adults and children, and he saw many problems in relationships as the result of one person standing above another. In above-and-below relationships, someone is always made to feel small, and hidden contests arise. In side-by-side relationships, people can cooperate, disagree respectfully, learn from each other and belong. Equality means equal worth and respect, not identical roles.

Dev with his admired colleague, Maren and her partner's money decisions, Oskar and his grandson's phone lessons and Nadira with her tailoring staff all found that moving from above and below to side by side made their relationships warmer, more honest and more productive. Where a relationship is unequal in a harmful way, the right step is to seek support and safety.

In the next chapter, we will look at Adler's map of the main areas of human life, which he called the three life tasks: work, friendship and love.