Chapter 4: Whose Task Is This?

The Homework Battle

Ibrahim is forty-six and works as a bus mechanic. His son, Karim, is sixteen. Every evening for the past year, the same scene has played out in their home. After dinner, Ibrahim asks whether Karim has done his homework. Karim says he will do it later. An hour later, Ibrahim finds him on his phone. He raises his voice. Karim raises his. Doors are closed hard. Ibrahim's wife tries to calm them both. Nobody sleeps well.

Ibrahim cares deeply about his son's education. He left school early himself and has worked hard all his life with his hands. He wants Karim to have more choices than he did. So he checks the school's online system for marks. He reminds Karim about deadlines. He sits next to him while he works, if Karim allows it. He has even, more than once, stayed up late finishing a project that Karim had abandoned, so that his son would not get a low mark.

Yet the more Ibrahim does, the less Karim seems to care. His marks are slipping. He has started to lie about his homework. And the relationship between father and son, which was once warm, has become a nightly battle. Ibrahim feels exhausted, worried and hurt. "I am doing all this for him," he says to his wife, "and he does not even try."

Ibrahim's wife, who works as a school nurse, has heard teachers talk about a simple question that can help in situations like this. One evening, she asks it gently. "Whose task is the homework?" Ibrahim looks at her as if she has asked something strange. "It is his," he says. "But if I do not push him, he will fail." His wife says, "Maybe. But right now, it seems to have become your task. And he has stopped carrying it."

This question, whose task is this?, is one of the most practical tools in the tradition that grew from Adler's ideas. It can be used in families, friendships, workplaces and almost any relationship where two people's lives touch. This chapter explores what it means and how to use it with both clarity and kindness.

The Question From Adler's Tradition

It is important to be clear about where this idea comes from. Adler himself wrote a great deal about how children should be raised and about the dangers of two opposite mistakes. One mistake is neglect: leaving a child without care, attention or guidance. The other is pampering: doing everything for a child, removing every difficulty and solving every problem. Adler believed that pampered children grow up expecting others to carry their tasks for them, and that this leaves them discouraged and unprepared for life. He wrote about this in several places, including the chapter on family influences in What Life Should Mean to You.

Later teachers who worked in Adler's tradition, especially those who trained parents and teachers in the decades after his death, turned this concern into practical tools. When there is a conflict or a worry about a choice, they asked who is affected by it and who can solve it, and some of them spoke of who "owns" a problem. In more recent times, these ideas have often been summed up in one simple question, which I will use in this book: whose task is this? It is a modern way of summarising Adlerian thinking, not a phrase from Adler's own books. A helpful way to answer it is to ask who will live with the result of the choice. The person who will experience the result is, in most cases, the person whose task it is.

For Karim's homework, the answer is fairly clear. If the homework is not done, it is Karim who will receive the low mark, Karim who will face his teacher and Karim whose future choices may be affected. The homework is Karim's task. Ibrahim's task is different. It is to love his son, to provide a home where study is possible, to offer help when it is wanted, to share his concern honestly and to set reasonable family rules. These are real and important tasks. But they are not the same as doing the homework or forcing it to be done.

Why does this distinction matter so much? When we take over someone else's task, two things tend to happen. First, the other person stops carrying it, because someone else is carrying it for them. Karim has less reason to worry about his homework when his father worries enough for both of them. Second, the relationship suffers, because the person whose task has been taken over feels controlled, and the person who took it over feels burdened and resentful. Both people lose.

When each person carries their own task, something healthier becomes possible. The person whose task it is can learn from the results of their own choices. And the relationship can become one of support rather than control. A parent can say, "I am here if you want help," instead of "Why have you not done it yet?" A friend can say, "I am worried, and I care about you," instead of "You must do what I say."

Help Without Taking Over

A common worry about this idea is that it sounds cold. Does it mean that we should leave people alone with their problems and say, "Not my task"? It does not. The question is not meant to end care. It is meant to make care more effective and more respectful.

There is a big difference between helping someone with their task and taking it over. Helping means offering support, information or encouragement while the other person remains in charge. Taking over means making their decisions for them, solving their problems without being asked or pushing them to act as we think best. Helping respects the other person's ability to handle their own life. Taking over, however kindly meant, quietly tells them that we do not trust them to do it.

Teachers in Adler's tradition often spoke about allowing people to experience the natural results of their choices, when it is safe to do so. A child who forgets their coat feels cold, and learns to remember it. A teenager who does not study receives a lower mark, and may decide to study next time. These results are often better teachers than any lecture, because they come from life itself rather than from a person with power. Of course, this only applies when the results are not dangerous. Nobody should let a small child learn about traffic by walking into the road.

This approach also fits with Adler's deep belief in equality, which we will explore more in Chapter 7. When we respect someone's tasks as theirs, we treat them as a capable person, not as someone beneath us who must be managed. Even with children, Adler believed that respect was essential. He thought that children who are treated as capable become more capable, and children who are treated as helpless become more helpless.

So the question "Whose task is this?" has two halves. The first half is about letting go: recognizing what belongs to someone else and not taking it from them. The second half is about doing our own part fully: offering help, sharing honest concern, setting fair limits and remaining warm. Both halves are needed. Letting go without warmth becomes coldness. Warmth without letting go becomes control.

One way to tell the difference is to notice how you feel while helping. Help that respects the other person usually feels light, because you are giving something freely and leaving the outcome with them. Help that has become taking over often feels heavy and anxious, because you have made yourself responsible for a result you cannot control. If your help leaves you exhausted and resentful, as Ibrahim's did, it may be a sign that you have crossed from helping into carrying someone else's task.

Gabriel and the Colleague's Moods

Gabriel is thirty-three and works in an office that manages bookings for a group of hotels. He sits next to a colleague named Nadine, who is often in a bad mood. Some mornings she arrives silent and tense. She sighs loudly, answers questions briefly and sometimes snaps at people. Gabriel is a sensitive person, and Nadine's moods affect him deeply.

For months, Gabriel tried to fix Nadine's moods. He brought her coffee. He asked her repeatedly whether she was all right. He made jokes to cheer her up. He worried about whether he had done something to upset her. When she remained in a bad mood despite his efforts, he felt anxious and responsible, as if he had failed.

When Gabriel learned about the question of whose task it is, he applied it to Nadine. Whose task is Nadine's mood? Nadine's. It belongs to her, along with whatever is happening in her life that causes it. Gabriel cannot know, and does not need to know, all the reasons for her moods. What is Gabriel's task? To be polite and kind, to do his own work well and, if Nadine's behaviour affects his work, to speak with her about it calmly.

This realization brought Gabriel great relief. He continued to greet Nadine warmly every morning, and he occasionally asked how she was. But he stopped trying to fix her mood, and he stopped taking it personally. When she snapped at him one day, he said calmly, "I can see you are having a hard morning. I just need the booking numbers when you have a moment." Nadine looked surprised, then apologized and gave him the numbers.

Some weeks later, Nadine told Gabriel that she had been going through a difficult time at home and that she appreciated his calm manner. Gabriel was glad she had told him. But he noticed that he had not needed to know this in order to feel better. Once he stopped carrying her mood as his own task, he could be kind to her without being weighed down.

Gabriel's experience is common among people who are sensitive to others' feelings. Such people are often wonderful friends and colleagues, because they notice when someone is struggling. But their sensitivity can turn into a burden if they believe that every unhappy face around them is theirs to fix. Noticing another person's feelings is a gift. Taking responsibility for those feelings is a task that belongs to the other person.

Ama and Her Sister's Choices

Ama is fifty and the eldest of three sisters. Her youngest sister, who is forty, has had a difficult life. She has changed jobs many times, had several painful relationships and often runs short of money. For years, Ama has rescued her. She has lent her money, found her jobs, given her advice and let her stay in her spare room. Each time, Ama hopes that this rescue will be the last. Each time, a new crisis arrives.

Ama loves her sister. But she has begun to feel exhausted and resentful. Her own savings have suffered. Her husband is unhappy about the repeated loans. And she has noticed that her sister rarely seems to change anything. "Why should she," Ama's husband asked once, "when you always fix it for her?"

The question stung, but Ama recognized some truth in it. When she thought about whose task it was, she saw that her sister's choices about work, relationships and money were her sister's tasks. Ama had been carrying them for years. In doing so, she had perhaps made it easier for her sister not to carry them herself. This was not her sister's fault alone, and it was not Ama's fault alone. It was a pattern they had built together.

Ama decided to change her part of the pattern, gently. She told her sister that she loved her and would always be there for her as a sister, to listen, to visit and to help her think through problems. But she would no longer lend money, and she would not find jobs for her. "I believe you can manage your own life," Ama said. "I have not been showing you that I believe it." Her sister was angry at first and did not speak to her for several weeks.

Then, slowly, things began to shift. Her sister found a job on her own and kept it. She started asking Ama for advice, rather than rescue. Their conversations became more equal. Ama says it was one of the hardest things she has ever done. "I thought I was being a good sister by saving her," she says. "But I was also telling her, without words, that she could not save herself." The relationship is not perfect, but it is more honest, and Ama no longer lies awake worrying about the next crisis.

Rohan and His Friend's Wedding

Rohan is twenty-nine. His closest friend since childhood is getting married next year, and Rohan has been asked to give a speech at the wedding. There is just one problem: Rohan does not like his friend's partner. He finds her controlling and thinks she does not treat his friend well. He has noticed that his friend sees his old friends less often since they met.

Rohan has struggled with what to do. Part of him wants to tell his friend not to marry her. He has rehearsed the conversation many times in his head. Another part of him knows that such a conversation could end their friendship. He feels torn between loyalty and honesty, and the worry has been keeping him awake.

When Rohan thought about whose task it was, he saw two separate tasks. Whom his friend marries is his friend's task. It is his friend's life, his friend's choice and his friend who will live with the results. Rohan cannot make that choice for him. But Rohan also has a task of his own: to be an honest and caring friend. That might include sharing his concern, once, if he truly believes it is important.

Rohan decided to have one honest conversation. He chose a quiet moment and said, carefully, that he had noticed his friend seemed to have less time for old friends lately, and that he wanted to make sure his friend was happy. He did not criticize the partner directly or tell his friend what to do. His friend listened, thought about it and said that he was happy, though he admitted that he missed seeing his old friends and would try to make more time.

After that conversation, Rohan let it go. He had done his part. The choice was his friend's. He wrote a warm speech for the wedding, focusing on their long friendship and his wish for his friend's happiness. If concerns arise in future, he can speak again. If he ever saw signs that his friend was being frightened, threatened or cut off from other people, his friend's safety would come first, and a helpline or a qualified professional could advise him on how to help. But he no longer carries the weight of trying to decide his friend's life. "I realized," Rohan says, "that my job is to be his friend, not his manager."

Practical Steps: Sorting Tasks in Relationships

The first step is to ask the question whenever you feel worried, frustrated or burdened in a relationship: "Whose task is this?" A useful way to answer is to ask who will live with the result of the choice. If the answer is someone else, the task is probably theirs. If the answer is you, the task is yours. If the answer is both of you, the task may be shared, and it needs to be discussed together.

The second step is to name your own task clearly. When something is another person's task, you usually still have a task of your own in the situation. It might be to offer help, share your concern honestly, set a limit, provide information or simply be present. Write it down if that helps. "Karim's task: his homework. My task: offer help, keep the house quiet in the evening, show I believe in him."

The third step is to offer help without taking over. Instead of doing the other person's task, ask, "Would you like help with this?" or "Is there anything I can do?" If they say no, respect it. If they say yes, help in a way that leaves them in charge. Ibrahim began to say to Karim, "I am in the kitchen if you want me to look at anything," instead of sitting next to him uninvited.

The fourth step is to allow natural results when it is safe. If the result of someone's choice is not dangerous, let them experience it. This can be very hard, especially for parents. It may mean watching someone you love make a mistake. But often, the lesson of a real result is worth more than any warning.

The fifth step is to share concern once, honestly, then trust. Like Rohan, if you are worried about someone's choice, it can be right to say so. But say it once, clearly and kindly, and then respect their decision. Repeating your concern again and again usually turns it into pressure, and pressure turns a task into a battle.

The sixth step is to look at your own tasks with fresh eyes. Sometimes we take on other people's tasks because it is easier than facing our own. Ama noticed that worrying about her sister had kept her from thinking about her own retirement plans. Gabriel noticed that fixing Nadine's mood had distracted him from a project he was avoiding. When you hand others' tasks back to them, you have more time and energy for the ones that are truly yours.

"Not My Task" Is Not "Not My Concern"

The question "Whose task is this?" is a tool for respect and clarity. It is not a way of escaping responsibility or caring less about people. It is important to be clear about its limits.

Some tasks belong to us because of our role. Parents of young children are responsible for their safety, health and care. People who look after elderly or ill relatives have real responsibilities. Managers are responsible for treating their staff fairly. The question of whose task something is must always take these roles into account. A parent cannot say that a toddler's safety near a busy road is the toddler's task.

As children grow, the balance changes gradually. A parent of a small child carries many tasks for them. A parent of a teenager hands more and more tasks back, one by one, as the young person becomes ready. A parent of an adult child carries very few of their child's tasks at all. Part of the art of parenting, in Adler's tradition, is to hand back each task at the right time: not so early that the child is overwhelmed, and not so late that the child never learns to carry it.

The question also does not apply when someone is in danger. If a person is at risk of being harmed, or of harming themselves or others, it is right to act, to call for help and to involve people who can protect them. If someone you know talks about hurting themselves, do not wait. Encourage them to contact a helpline or a medical facility right away, and in immediate danger call the local emergency number.

And the question does not mean that we stop caring about the people we love. Ibrahim still cares deeply about Karim's future. Ama still loves her sister. Rohan still wants his friend to be happy. What changes is not the love, but the way it is expressed: through support and trust rather than through control. In fact, many people find that their love becomes freer and warmer once they stop trying to carry tasks that were never theirs.

A Short Exercise: Two Circles

This exercise helps you sort tasks in a relationship that is troubling you. It takes about fifteen minutes.

Choose one relationship where you feel worried, burdened or in conflict. Take a page and draw two large circles that overlap a little in the middle, like two coins partly on top of each other. Label one circle with your name and the other with the other person's name. The small area where they overlap is for tasks you truly share.

Now think about the situation and write each task in the right place. Ask for each one: "Who will live with the result of this choice?" Ibrahim's page had "homework", "how hard he studies" and "his marks" in Karim's circle. In his own circle, he wrote "offer help", "keep a quiet place to study", "tell him I believe in him" and "set fair family rules about phones at night". In the shared area, he wrote "family rules" and "our relationship".

Look at your page. Are there tasks in the other person's circle that you have been carrying? Draw a small arrow from your circle to each of those tasks, as a reminder to hand them back, kindly. Are there tasks in your own circle that you have been neglecting? Underline them. Those are the places where your energy can do the most good.

Finally, choose one small change for the coming week: one task to hand back and one task of your own to do well. Write them at the bottom of the page. When Ibrahim did this, he chose to stop checking Karim's marks online every day and to start having breakfast with him on Saturdays, without talking about school. After a month, the evening battles had become rare. Karim's marks rose a little, not because he was pushed, but because he began to see that the homework was his. And on Saturday mornings, father and son began to talk again.

Chapter Summary

Adler warned against both neglecting and pampering children, believing that people who have their tasks carried for them become discouraged and unprepared for life. Later teachers in his tradition turned this into a practical question: whose task is this? Usually, the task belongs to the person who will live with the result of the choice. When we take over someone else's task, they tend to stop carrying it, and the relationship becomes a struggle. When we respect their task and do our own part fully, help can replace control.

Ibrahim and his son's homework, Gabriel and his colleague's moods, Ama and her sister's choices and Rohan and his friend's wedding all found relief by handing back tasks that were not theirs and focusing on their own part: offering help, sharing concern once, allowing natural results and staying warm. "Not my task" is never "not my concern". Roles, safety and danger must always be considered.

In the next chapter, we will look at one of the hardest everyday skills for people who want to be liked: saying no.