Questions Readers Often Ask

Is it normal to dream of someone who has died?

Yes. Dreams of people who have died are among the most common dreams after a loss, and many people describe them as comforting, even when they wake in tears. In our house, my brother, our mother and I all had them, and so did my brother's friend. Some people dream of the person often, some once, some not for months, and none of these is the right amount.

Does a dream of them mean anything, or carry a message?

Reading dreams for messages or omens has no scientific basis. The sleeping mind builds its dreams from its own memories and feelings, stitching together pieces from many years, so the person in the dream looks and sounds like themselves. The old stories say the dead send dreams, and they are lovely to tell as stories. The meaning of your dream is something you make yourself, by telling it, writing it or drawing it, the way our mother decided her dream meant taking the earlier train home.

What if the dream frightens me?

Frightening dreams are common in the months after a loss, and they predict nothing at all. They come from the dreamer, and they show how much feeling the dreamer is carrying, the way an engine runs loud on a steep road. Use the calm way back to sleep from "Why Was Last Night's Dream So Frightening?": a small lamp, your feet on the floor, five things you can see, a long breath out, and the sentence "That was a dream, and this is my room." If bad dreams come back night after night, or if sleep troubles go on for weeks and weigh on your days, please talk to a doctor.

What if I never dream of them, or the dreams have stopped?

Almost everyone dreams every night, and most dreams are forgotten within minutes of waking. Not remembering is not the same as not dreaming, and not dreaming of someone is not the same as forgetting them. A dream notebook by the bed, and a few still breaths before you get up, often bring back more than you expect.

Can I make such a dream come?

A dream cannot be booked like a seat on a train, and nobody can choose who will be in it. You can leave a door open, though, by picturing a place you love as you fall asleep. Many ordinary people have had at least one lucid dream, but nobody needs one, and if no dream comes, you have still ended the day somewhere you love.

What was the figure I felt at the end of my bed when I could not move?

That is sleep paralysis, a harmless overlap of waking and REM sleep. For a short while the mind is partly awake while the body is still held still in dream sleep, and a sense of someone in the room is one of its most common parts. It passes on its own. Tell yourself what it is, breathe out slowly, and move one finger; the rest usually follows.

Should I tell anyone about my dream?

That is your choice, and every choice can be a way of caring for the dream. Some families tell their dreams at breakfast, some set out a cup of tea for the visitor, and some keep a dream folded inside them for years. A dream that is told can be carried by two people, and you may find, as we did, that someone in your house has been waiting for someone to ask.

Will the dreams stop after the first year, and should they?

There is no rule and no last stop at the end of the first year. Many people go on dreaming of someone they lost for years, sometimes often and sometimes hardly at all, and most describe those dreams as a comfort. Keeping a bond with someone who has died is a normal part of grieving, and the dreams simply change as you do, the way my brother's friend's dreams of her father changed as she grew.