Chapter 5: Crying and Calming

From the Diary

Week 3. Every evening, at about the time my husband comes home from work, our daughter starts to cry, and she does not stop for a long time. She has been fed, her nappy is clean, and she is not too warm or too cold. I walk with her up and down the hall, I sing the same lullaby again and again, and she cries into my neck. Tonight my husband took her and walked outside in the cool air for a while, and when he came back she was asleep on his chest. I do not know if it was the air, or his walking, or that she was simply tired at last. I only know that I sat in the dark kitchen with a cold cup of tea and felt that I had failed some kind of test. My husband looked just as surprised as I was. Neither of us knew what had worked.

Week 5. The evening crying is worse this week, not better. My friend from the parents' class says her son was the same at this age, and that her nurse told her the crying often gets more before it gets less. That helped me more than any trick. We have started to call the hours between dinner and bedtime "the long evening", and we plan for it now. The dishes can wait. One of us eats while the other holds her, and then we change. Some evenings she cries less in the baby carrier, with her ear against my chest. Some evenings nothing helps at all, and we just take turns and remind each other that she is fed, she is safe, and we are here.

Week 6. Something frightened me tonight, and I want to write it down honestly. Our daughter had been crying for a long time, my husband was working late, and I felt a wave of anger rise in me that I did not recognise. I did not want to hurt her. I just wanted it to stop. I remembered what the midwife had told us before we left the place of birth, so I laid our daughter down on her back in her cot, closed the door halfway and went to stand by the open window in the kitchen. I breathed slowly and counted the cars that went past outside. Then I called my mother, who stayed on the phone with me, talking about ordinary things, until I felt able to go back in. Our daughter was still crying, but I was calm again, and I picked her up.

Week 6, two days later. This morning, in the middle of a nappy change, our daughter looked straight at me and smiled. It was not the sleepy smile she makes in her dreams, but a real one, for me. I called my husband in from the bathroom, and he came with toothpaste on his chin, and she smiled again for him. The evenings are still long, and I am still more tired than I knew a person could be. But I have decided to write down this smile so that I can read about it on the next long evening.

Why Babies Cry

Crying is the way a baby speaks before there are any other ways. It is how a baby says "I need something", and in the first weeks it is almost the only way a baby has. This means that crying is not a sign that you are a bad parent, or that your baby is unhappy with you. It means your baby is doing what babies do. Over the weeks you will begin to notice small differences between cries, and the signs that come before them, and that will make it a little easier to guess what your baby needs. Even then you will not always know, and that is normal too.

The common reasons are simple ones. A baby may be hungry, which is the most frequent reason in the first weeks, and Chapter 4 describes the feeding cues that often come before crying. A baby may be tired, and tired babies sometimes cry more, not less, before they fall asleep. A baby may have swallowed air and need to burp, or may have a wet or dirty nappy. A baby may be too warm or too cold, or uncomfortable in some other way, because of clothing that rubs, a bright light or a loud room. And very often a baby simply wants to be held. For a young baby, being close to a parent, feeling the warmth and hearing the voice, is a real need and not a bad habit.

Babies can also be overwhelmed. A young baby's world is new, bright and loud, and after a busy day with visitors, noise and being passed from person to person, a baby may cry because there has simply been too much. Some babies show this by turning the head away, closing the eyes, yawning, or making the body stiff. At these times a quiet, dim room and fewer people around can help. If you notice that your baby cries more after busy days, it may help to keep the next day calmer, with fewer visits and more quiet time at home.

Some parents worry that picking up a crying baby again and again will teach the baby bad habits. A young baby cannot be spoiled by being comforted. When you respond to your baby's cries, your baby slowly learns that the world is safe and that someone will come, and this trust is a good foundation for the months ahead. Responding does not mean you must always succeed in stopping the crying. It means your baby is not left to cry alone while you are able to be there. Family members sometimes give different advice about this, and it is fine to thank them and keep doing what feels right for your baby.

Sometimes, after you have tried everything, you still do not know why your baby is crying. This is one of the hardest things for new parents, because it feels as if there must be an answer that you are missing. Often there is no single answer. Some crying in the first months cannot be explained, and it is not caused by anything the parents did or did not do. Like the parents in the diary, you may find that one thing helps on some evenings and nothing helps on others. That is not a failure. On those evenings, staying near your baby, safely and calmly, is enough.

What Is Usual and What Is Not

Many parents are surprised to learn that a baby's crying usually increases over the first weeks. It is often at its most around six to eight weeks, and then it slowly lessens. For many babies the crying gathers in the late afternoon and evening, which is often the time when the parents are most tired too. Knowing this pattern does not make the crying quieter, but it can make it less frightening. The crying of the fifth or sixth week is usually not a sign that something has gone wrong, and it does not last for the whole year. As the friend in the diary heard from her nurse, crying often gets more before it gets less.

Some babies cry a great deal, for long periods, on most days, while being well fed and healthy in every other way. If this is true for your baby, tell your doctor, midwife or nurse. They can check that your baby is well, and hearing that your baby is healthy can bring real relief. They can also talk with you about ways to cope, and about who can give you a break. Long crying is not something a family has to carry alone, and asking about it is never a waste of a health worker's time.

It can help to keep a short note of the crying for a few days: when it starts, how long it lasts, what you tried and what, if anything, seemed to help. Many parents find that the note shows a pattern they had not seen, such as crying that comes at the same time each evening or after busy days. The note is also useful to show your doctor, midwife or nurse, because it is hard to describe crying clearly when you are tired. And on the worst evenings, looking back at the note can remind you that the crying did stop yesterday, and the day before, even when it felt as if it never would.

Some crying is a reason to contact a doctor straight away. Call your doctor if the crying sounds very different from your baby's usual cry, for example very high, very weak or like a moan; if your baby will not feed or is feeding much less than usual; if your baby has a fever (ask your doctor or midwife which temperature they want you to call about); or if your baby vomits again and again, has fewer wet nappies, or seems unwell in a way that is new. You know your baby better than anyone else. If your baby's cry or behaviour seems wrong to you, that feeling is worth a call.

Some signs mean calling the emergency number at once: trouble breathing, blue or grey lips, a baby who is very floppy or hard to wake, or a seizure. Most crying is ordinary crying, and these signs are not part of it. But knowing them ahead of time means that you will not have to wonder in the moment whether you are allowed to ask for help. You are always allowed. A worried parent who calls is doing exactly the right thing, and no doctor, nurse or emergency worker will think less of you for calling.

Ways to Calm a Crying Baby

There is no single way to calm every baby, and what works on one evening may not work on the next. It helps to start with the simple checks. Is your baby hungry? Does the nappy need changing? Is your baby too warm or too cold? Could a burp help? Sometimes the check finds something small, such as a sock that has slipped off, a label that scratches or a hair wrapped around a toe or finger. If all of those are fine, the next step is usually closeness and calm. Try one thing at a time and give it a few minutes before you move on to the next, because changing quickly from one thing to another can add to the noise for a baby who is already overwhelmed.

Holding your baby close is the oldest way to calm a baby, and often the best. Many babies settle when they are held upright against a parent's chest, with an ear near the heartbeat. Gentle rocking, swaying from foot to foot, or walking slowly around the room can also help. A baby carrier or sling, used as its instructions say, lets you keep your baby close while your hands are free; your baby's face should always stay visible and free, not pressed into cloth or into your body. Skin-to-skin contact, with your baby in only a nappy on a parent's bare chest and a blanket over both of you while you are awake, calms many babies, and it is something every parent can offer.

Sound and light matter too. A soft, steady voice, humming, a lullaby, or a gentle "shhh" near the ear can soothe a baby. Some parents use a steady background sound, such as the sound of a fan, kept at a low volume and away from the baby's head. A dim, quiet room helps a tired baby calm down. A warm bath calms some babies, while others dislike it; if you try a bath, always stay with your baby, as Chapter 3 explains. Some babies settle when they can suck, at the breast, on a clean finger or, if your family uses one, on a dummy.

A change of scene can help when nothing else does. A walk outside with the pram or the baby carrier, as the husband in the diary found, gives many babies something new to feel: cooler air, gentle movement, different sounds. Some babies calm down during a drive, always in a car seat suited to the baby and with a driver who is rested enough to drive safely. Sometimes the change helps the parent as much as the baby. A parent who feels calmer often finds that the baby slowly becomes calmer too.

Taking turns is a calming method in itself. Babies notice tension, and a parent who has held a crying baby for a long time becomes tense, however loving that parent is. Handing the baby to another adult, even for a short while, gives your arms and your mind a rest, and gives your baby a new, calmer pair of arms. Like the parents in the diary, many families find it helps to give the hardest hours a plan, so that each adult knows when it is their turn to hold the baby and when it is their turn to eat, shower or simply sit down. If you are raising your baby alone, a friend, neighbour or family member who can come for one evening a week, or even for an hour, can give you the same rest, and asking for this is a reasonable request.

When the Crying Becomes Too Much

Long crying is hard to bear. A baby's cry is meant to be hard to ignore, so that adults respond. Living with it hour after hour, while short of sleep, can bring up feelings that surprise and frighten parents: frustration, anger, a wish to run away, even a moment of resentment toward the baby. Like the mother in the diary, many parents feel this at some point, and it does not make them bad parents. What matters is what you do when these feelings come, and there is a simple, safe plan for that moment.

Never shake a baby. Shaking a baby, even for a few seconds, can seriously harm the baby's brain, because a young baby's head is large and heavy for the body and the neck is not yet strong. This is the most important safety rule in this chapter, and it is worth saying clearly to everyone who looks after your baby: the other parent, grandparents, friends and anyone who babysits. Shaking usually happens in a moment of exhaustion and frustration, not because someone wants to cause harm. That is exactly why every carer needs a plan for that moment before it comes.

If the crying becomes too much, put your baby down safely on the back in a safe place, such as the cot, and step away for a few minutes. Go to another room or stand by an open window, as the mother in the diary did. Breathe slowly. Drink a glass of water. Call someone: the other parent, a friend, a family member, or a parent helpline where you live. When you feel calm again, go back to your baby. A baby who cries for a few minutes in a safe cot is safe, and leaving your baby there while you calm down is a caring choice, not a neglectful one.

Guilt often follows a hard evening. Many parents lie awake after the crying has stopped and go over it again and again, asking themselves whether they missed something, whether they were too impatient, whether they did it wrong. It helps to remember that you cannot always stop a baby from crying. Your task is not to stop every cry, but to stay near, keep your baby safe and keep trying with love. The mother in the diary felt that she had failed a test, but there was no test. There was a tired family getting through the evening together, and a baby who was cared for. Many parents also feel guilty about the moment of anger itself. Feeling anger is not the same as acting on it. Noticing the anger, putting the baby down safely and stepping away is exactly what a careful parent does.

Ask for help early if the crying is wearing out your patience or your strength. Tell your doctor, midwife or nurse how much your baby cries and how you are coping; they can check your baby, and they can also check on you. If you notice that anger comes often, or that you feel low, numb or hopeless most days, for more than a couple of weeks, say so. These feelings can be a sign of postnatal depression, which Chapter 6 explains, and help exists. If you ever feel that you might harm your baby, put your baby down safely in the cot and get help straight away by calling the emergency number, a doctor or someone close to you.

A Checklist of Things to Prepare

A plan for the long evening: who holds the baby when, who eats when, and which jobs can wait until tomorrow. A plan made in the morning is easier to follow at night.

A safe place to put your baby down: the cot, clear of pillows, soft toys and loose blankets, where your baby can lie on the back while you step away for a few minutes.

A short list of the calming ways that have worked for your baby, kept where every carer can see it. On a hard evening it saves guessing and reminds you that some things do help.

One or two people you can call on a hard evening, who know that a call might come and are happy to stay on the phone with you until you feel calm.

A talk with everyone who cares for your baby about never shaking a baby, and about the plan to put the baby down safely and step away. Grandparents, friends and babysitters need to hear it too.

The reasons to contact a doctor straight away and the reasons to call the emergency number, written down near the phone. You will not have to remember them in a frightening moment.

A note to read on a long evening, like the smile the mother in the diary wrote down. A good moment, written down, can carry you through a hard hour.

A baby carrier or sling, tried on in a calm moment and adjusted as its instructions say, with your baby's face visible and free. Learning to use it on a quiet afternoon is much easier than on a crying evening.