Chapter 3: The Baby Blues

From the Diary

Day 4 at home. I cried four times today, and I could not explain a single one of them. Once it was during a feed, when our daughter opened her eyes and looked straight at me. Once it was when a slow song came on the radio. Once it was in the shower, for no reason at all. My husband found me on the edge of the bed with a towel on my head and tears running down my face, and he asked what was wrong. "Nothing," I said, and then, "Everything," and then, "I don't know." He sat down next to me and held my hand until it passed. I love our daughter so much that it frightens me. Maybe that is part of the crying.

Day 7 at home. We gave our daughter her first bath at home tonight. We warmed the bathroom, laid out the towel, the clean nappy and her clothes, and filled the little bath. My husband tested the water with his elbow three times, very seriously, like a scientist. I held her while he poured the water gently over her tummy. She screamed at first, then went quiet and stared at the ceiling with wide eyes, as if the bath were the strangest thing in the world. In the middle of it the doorbell rang. We looked at each other and let it ring. Afterwards, wrapped in the towel, she fell asleep on my husband's chest, and I cried again, but this time I knew why.

Day 8 at home. My mother is here for the weekend. This morning I told her about the crying, and she smiled and said that she cried for days after I was born and that her own mother told her it would pass. Then I phoned the midwife, a little ashamed, and she was not surprised at all. She said that many mothers feel like this a few days after the birth and that it is called the baby blues. She asked me some questions about my sleep, my eating and my thoughts, and she told me to call again if the tears did not fade or if I felt worse. I wrote her words in the notebook so I would not forget them: "Very common. Not your fault. Tell us if it changes." Then my mother made me a cup of tea and took our daughter out in the pram so that I could sleep.

Day 10 at home. Today was lighter. I cried only once, briefly, when my mother left. My husband made pancakes, very badly, and we laughed so much that our daughter woke up. Feeding is still sore, and I am still tired in a way I did not know a person could be tired. But this afternoon I sat by the window with our daughter asleep on my chest and felt, for a whole hour, something close to calm. At night my friend from the parents' class wrote that she had cried every day in her first two weeks too. "Nobody tells you," she wrote. I wrote back: "Now we tell each other."

What the Baby Blues Are

The baby blues are a short time of emotional ups and downs that many parents who have given birth feel in the first days after the birth. They are very common, so common that many midwives and doctors see them as a normal part of recovery. The baby blues usually begin a few days after the birth and fade within about two weeks. Like the mother in the diary, many people are surprised by them, because they expected to feel only happy once their baby had arrived. Knowing in advance that the blues may come, and that they usually pass, can make them less frightening.

The baby blues can look different from person to person. Common feelings include crying easily, often without a clear reason; mood swings, from happiness to sadness and back again within the same hour; feeling irritable, anxious or restless; feeling overwhelmed by the baby and by all there is to do; and feeling fragile or very sensitive to small things, such as a kind word or a sad song. Some parents feel tearful and joyful at the same time. Some find it hard to concentrate. None of these feelings means that you do not love your baby.

The baby blues are not a sign that you are a bad parent, that you made a mistake in having a baby, or that something is wrong with you. They are a common reaction to an enormous change. They can come after an easy birth or a difficult one, after a first baby or a later one. They can also come together with other feelings, such as pride, tenderness and relief. In the diary, the mother cries both from love and from tiredness, sometimes in the same moment. Many parents later describe this time as a few days when their feelings were very close to the surface.

It is important to know that the blues are different from postnatal depression, which is a longer and deeper low mood that needs support from a health worker. This chapter explains the difference later, and Chapter 6 explains postnatal depression fully. For now, the key point is simple: the baby blues are brief and usually fade on their own within about two weeks. If your low mood stays longer, grows deeper or worries you, that is a reason to talk to your midwife or doctor, not a reason to keep waiting.

It can help to tell the people around you that the blues are common and usually pass. A partner or relative who sees a new parent crying may feel worried or helpless, and may try hard to fix the problem or to find its cause. Often what helps most is simpler: sitting together, a hand to hold, a warm drink, or taking the baby for a while so that the parent can rest. A parent with the blues might say, "I am having a tearful day. I do not need advice, only company." The other parent or partner may also feel unusually emotional in these first days, from tiredness and from the size of the change, and that is normal too. Being gentle with each other is enough.

Why They Happen and What Helps

The baby blues have several causes that act together. The first is the body. After the birth, the levels of the hormones that supported the pregnancy fall quickly, and the body begins to make milk. These big changes in the body happen in just a few days and can affect the mood strongly. The second cause is lack of sleep. A newborn feeds often, day and night, and broken nights make anyone more emotional. The third cause is the size of the change in life. Becoming a parent changes your days, your nights, your relationships and your picture of yourself, all at once.

Other things can add to the blues: pain from the birth or from feeding, worry about the baby, a birth that did not go as planned, being far from family, or simply having little time to eat or shower. In the diary, the mother is healing from an unplanned caesarean, feeding is sore and her husband will soon go back to work. Each of these alone would be a lot. Together, it is no surprise that her tears come easily. Some parents also feel a quiet sense of loss for their old, freer life, even while they are deeply happy about the baby. This mixed feeling is common, and it is allowed. Understanding why the blues happen does not make them disappear, but it can remove some of the shame and confusion that often come with them.

Several simple things can help the blues pass more gently. Rest is the first. Any chance to lie down, nap or sleep for a longer stretch is worth taking, even if the house is untidy. Food and drink come next: regular meals, snacks you can eat with one hand and water nearby. Someone to talk to is also important. Telling a partner, a relative, a friend or the midwife how you really feel, as the mother in the diary does with her own mother, often brings real relief. You do not need to explain or justify your tears. Even a short nap in the afternoon, while someone else watches the baby, can change how the evening feels.

Sharing small tasks helps too. If you have a partner, divide the day into simple jobs, such as one person changing nappies while the other makes food, or one person taking the baby for a walk while the other rests. A parent raising a child alone can ask family, friends or neighbours for one specific task each, because a clear request is often easier for people to say yes to. Writing the jobs on a sheet of paper on the fridge means that nobody has to ask what needs doing. Lowering your expectations is one of the kindest things you can do in these days. Meals can be simple, the washing can wait, and visits can be short or put off for a while.

Some parents find that a little fresh air and daylight, a short walk when the body is ready, or a warm shower helps the mood. Others feel better when they write their feelings down, as the mother in the diary does. Talking to another new parent, especially at night, can remind you that you are not alone. Be careful with pictures of perfect families online, which can make anyone feel that they are doing badly. Most parents find that, as the days pass, the tears become fewer and the calm moments become longer.

When It Is More Than the Blues

The baby blues and postnatal depression can share some feelings, such as tearfulness, tiredness and worry, so it is natural to wonder how to tell them apart. The main differences are time and depth. The blues usually begin a few days after the birth and fade within about two weeks, and between the tears there are usually lighter moments. Postnatal depression lasts longer, often grows deeper, and can make the lighter moments rare. It can begin at any time in the first year, including weeks or months after the birth, and it can also follow the blues without a clear break.

Signs that the low mood may be more than the blues include feeling sad, empty or hopeless most days, for more than a couple of weeks; losing interest in things you used to enjoy; feeling cut off from your baby or from the people around you; strong feelings of guilt or of being a bad parent; worry that will not stop; being unable to sleep even when the baby sleeps; or eating much more or much less than usual. If you notice these signs, tell your midwife or doctor. They ask about mood because they know how common these difficulties are, and they can explain the kinds of help that exist. Writing down the signs you notice, and when they began, can make it easier to describe them at an appointment.

Feelings of worry deserve the same attention as sadness. Some new parents feel mainly tense and anxious instead of tearful, with a mind that races and finds it hard to rest. Some have sudden frightening thoughts or pictures, for example of an accident happening to the baby. These thoughts are common in new parents, and Chapter 7 explains them calmly. If worry is taking over your days, or if thoughts frighten you, telling the midwife or doctor is safe and helps. You will not get into trouble for being honest about your mind.

Some feelings need help straight away, at any time. If you have thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, or feel that you cannot go on, call the emergency number, a crisis line or a doctor now, or tell someone close to you at once. Very sudden, unusual changes in a mother in the first weeks, such as confusion, seeing or hearing things that others do not, strange beliefs or very unusual behaviour, also need emergency help at once. These situations are rare, help exists, and asking for help quickly is a strong and caring act.

The other parent or partner, and anyone close to the family, can play an important part here. Often it is the people around a new parent who first notice that the blues are not fading. Gentle questions, such as "How are you really feeling?" or "Shall we tell the midwife together?", can make it easier for a parent to speak. Partners can have low mood after a baby arrives too, as Chapter 9 explains. A parent raising a child alone may not have someone at home to notice these changes. Telling one trusted person about the signs in this chapter, and asking that person to check in regularly, can fill that gap. Looking after each other's feelings is part of looking after the baby.

The First Bath at Home

Bathing a newborn can feel like a big step, as it does for the parents in the diary. A newborn does not need a bath every day. In the first days, many parents wash the face, the neck, the hands and the nappy area with warm water and a soft cloth. Some midwives suggest washing with a cloth until the cord stump has fallen off; others are happy for parents to give a short bath sooner, as long as the stump is dried gently afterwards. Ask your midwife what they recommend. Plain warm water is enough for a newborn's skin at first. A small baby bath or a clean, steady basin works well. Place it where you can stand or kneel comfortably without bending far, which matters especially when you are still healing from the birth or from a caesarean.

Preparation makes the bath calm and safe. Choose a time when your baby is awake but not very hungry or very tired. Make sure the room is warm and free of draughts. Gather everything before you begin: a towel, a clean nappy, clean clothes, a soft cloth and anything else you will need, all within reach. Put the cold water in first and then the warm, and mix it well so that there are no hot spots. Check the water with your elbow or with a bath thermometer before your baby goes in. Ask your midwife or nurse which water temperature they advise.

Never leave a baby alone in the bath, even for a moment. A baby can slip under the water very quickly and silently, even in very little water. If the doorbell or the phone rings, let it ring, as the parents in the diary did, or wrap your baby in the towel and take your baby with you. Hold your baby with one arm behind the shoulders and the head, so that the head stays above the water, and use your other hand to wash. Keep the bath short at first. Many babies cry during their first baths and grow to enjoy them later.

After the bath, lift your baby out carefully, because wet skin is slippery, and wrap your baby at once in the towel. Pat the skin dry, paying attention to the folds under the arms, in the neck and in the nappy area. The same rule applies on any raised surface: never leave a baby alone on a changing table, a bed or a sofa, not even for a moment. Babies wriggle, push and roll earlier than parents expect. If you need to step away, take your baby with you or lay your baby safely on the back in the cot or on a mat on the floor. After the bath is also a good moment to look at your baby's skin. Small spots, dry patches and peeling skin are common in newborns, and the midwife or nurse can look at anything that worries you.

Bath time can be a gentle moment for the whole family. Many parents find that the quiet routine of warm water, a soft towel and a feed afterwards helps both the baby and the parent to relax. It is also a good task for the other parent or partner, while the parent who gave birth rests, as long as that person feels confident about the safety steps. If a bath feels like too much on a hard day, a wash with a cloth is perfectly fine. Babies do not need perfection; they need care that is safe, warm and calm.

A Checklist of Things to Prepare

A person to tell how you really feel: a partner, a relative, a friend or the midwife, someone you can say "I cried again today" to without needing to explain.

A note of how your mood is going: a word or two each day in a notebook, so that you can see whether the tears are fading and tell the midwife or doctor if they are not.

The numbers for urgent help in your phone and near the door: the doctor, the after-hours line, a crisis line and the emergency number, ready for any hour.

A bath kit kept in one place: towel, soft cloths, clean nappy, clean clothes and a bath thermometer if you use one, so that you never need to leave your baby during the bath.

A plan for the nights of the coming weeks: who gets up for which feeds, who rests in the morning, and how each parent can protect one longer stretch of sleep.

Your questions about feeding for the next visit: write down what feels sore, uncertain or worrying, because a midwife, nurse or feeding helper can often help.

A comfortable place for night feeds: a chair or a spot on the bed with a dim light, water and a snack, because a newborn feeds often, day and night.

A message or call with another new parent: a short exchange in the evening or at night can remind both of you that you are not alone.