The Year We Became Parents

A First-Time Parent's Diary of Baby Care and Feelings in the First Year

Before You Begin

The first year with a baby is full of new things: new tasks, new worries, new joys and many new feelings, often all in the same day. This book is for first-time parents who are living that year or are about to begin it. It is for the parent who gave birth, for the other parent or partner, and for a parent who is raising a child alone. It is also for the grandparents, friends and neighbours who want to understand what new parents are going through. You do not need to know anything about babies to read it. Every term is explained the first time it appears, and there is a short list of words at the end of the book.

Each chapter begins with pages from a diary kept by a first-time mother through her daughter's first year, from the last night before going home to the first birthday. The diary pages tell the story of one imagined family: a mother, her husband and their baby daughter. After the diary, the chapter explains, in a calm and simple way, the basic knowledge that doctors, midwives and nurses share with new parents at that stage of the year, about caring for the baby and about the feelings of the parents. Each chapter ends with a checklist of things to prepare for the weeks ahead. You can read the book from the beginning to the end, or open the chapter that fits the week you are having.

Every baby is different, and so is every parent. Your baby may sleep, feed, cry and grow in ways that are not quite like the baby in the diary, and your feelings may not be quite like the mother's. That is normal. The feelings in these pages, the tears of the first days, the tiredness, the worry and the low days, are common after a baby arrives. They are not a failure, and help exists for each of them. Asking for that help early is a strong and caring act. If anything concerns you, ask a doctor or midwife.

Check-ups, vaccination schedules, home visits, registering a birth, parental leave, childcare and other support for families differ from country to country, and sometimes from one area to another. The official contact points where you live, such as the local public health office, your doctor, your midwife or the nurse who follows your baby, can tell you what applies to your family and how to ask for it.

Sometimes feelings become too heavy to carry alone. If you ever have thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, or if you feel that you cannot go on, please get help straight away: call the emergency number, a crisis line or a doctor now, or tell someone close to you at once. In the first weeks after the birth, very sudden and unusual changes in a mother, such as confusion, seeing or hearing things that others do not, strange beliefs or very unusual behaviour, need emergency help at once. Reaching out in these moments is not a weakness. It is the most caring thing you can do for yourself and for your baby.

I hope this book keeps you company through the long nights and the bright mornings of this year. I hope it helps you to know what to expect, to prepare a little for what comes next, and to see that the hard moments are shared by many parents. Most of all, I hope it reminds you that you do not have to know everything at the start. Like every parent before you, you will learn your baby one day at a time.

Chapter 1: Coming Home

From the Diary

The last night before we go home. Our daughter is asleep in the clear little cot beside my bed, and I keep turning my head to look at her. My husband went home this evening to sleep in a real bed and to check the car seat one more time. The ward is quiet, except for a baby crying somewhere down the corridor and the soft steps of the night nurse. My stomach is sore where the doctors operated, and I still cannot quite believe that the long labour ended in a caesarean birth that nobody had planned. The birth did not go the way I had imagined. But she is here, she is well, and she frowns a little when she sleeps, as if she is thinking very hard about something. Tomorrow we take her home. I am happy and I am frightened, and I do not know which feeling is bigger.

Day 1 at home. My husband drove more slowly and carefully than I have ever seen him drive. Before we left, the nurse watched him fasten our daughter into the car seat and showed him how to pull the straps snug. I sat beside the baby in the back and watched her breathe the whole way. When we opened the front door, our flat looked exactly the same as when we had left, and that felt strange, because everything had changed. We laid our daughter in her cot, on her back, and simply stood there looking at her. Then she woke up and began to cry, and we looked at each other and understood that nobody was going to tell us what to do next. We picked her up together. It was a start.

Day 2 at home. Our daughter feeds all the time, day and night. Breastfeeding hurts more than I expected, and I watch the clock and wonder whether she is getting enough. The midwife came this morning. She looked at the baby, at the stump of the cord and at my wound, and she answered every question on my list without once making me feel silly. She showed my husband how to fold the top of the nappy down below the cord so that the stump stays dry. Our daughter's first nappies were dark and sticky, almost black, and the midwife said this is exactly how they should look at first. My husband wrote that down as if it were the answer to an important exam. My husband's parents phoned again and again with advice. My mother sent a message: she will come on the weekend and bring soup.

Day 3 at home. This morning I cried because the toast was burnt. Then I cried because my husband was so kind about the toast. Then I laughed at myself for crying, and my husband laughed too, very carefully. I feel enormous love and enormous tiredness at the same time. Last night, during a feed in the dark, I sent a message to my friend from the parents' class, whose baby son was born a few weeks before our daughter. She answered at once: "I am awake too. It gets easier. You are doing well." I read her message again and again. Later, when our daughter fell asleep on my chest, warm and heavy, I thought: we are a family now. We do not know much yet, but we will learn.

The Ride Home and the First Hours

The first days at home with a newborn are days of learning for everyone in the house. Like the parents in the diary, many people leave the place of birth with a baby in their arms and a feeling that nobody has given them the instructions. That feeling is very common, and it does not mean that you are unprepared. Babies and parents learn about each other slowly, one feed, one nappy and one night at a time. This chapter explains the basics of the first days: the ride home, how newborns sleep and feed, nappies, holding your baby, the cord, the first visits and check-ups, and the many feelings that arrive with a new baby. Later chapters return to each subject in more detail as your baby grows.

A baby rides in a car only in a car seat suited to the baby, from the very first trip home. For a newborn this is a seat made for small babies, fitted in the car exactly as the seat's instructions explain. Many parents practise fitting the seat before the birth, because it can be harder than it looks, and a staff member at the place of birth may be able to watch you fasten the baby in the first time. The straps should lie flat and feel snug, and a thick coat or blanket should not go between your baby and the straps; you can lay a blanket over the fastened straps instead. A baby is never held on an adult's lap in a moving car, even for a short trip. If you travel by taxi or with someone else, the car seat comes with you.

The parent who gave birth is coming home too, and that parent is recovering. Whether the birth was vaginal or a caesarean, the body has done very hard work, and healing takes weeks. Getting in and out of the car, climbing stairs and carrying bags may feel harder than usual. If you have a partner, or if someone close to you is helping, let that person carry the car seat, the bags and the shopping. If you gave birth, your own body deserves the same gentle attention you give your baby. Chapter 2 explains recovery after the birth in more detail.

The first hours at home do not need to be special or tidy. What helps most is something simple: a quiet place to sit and feed, something to eat and drink within reach, and a safe place for your baby to sleep. A sleeping baby goes on the back, on a firm, flat surface of their own, such as a cot, with no pillows, soft toys or loose blankets; Chapter 8 explains safe sleep fully. Some parents feel a rush of joy when they arrive home, and others feel tired, quiet or even a little lost. Both are normal. You do not have to unpack, clean or cook on the first day. Your only real tasks are to feed your baby, keep your baby safe and warm, and rest as much as you can.

Sleep, Feeding and Nappies

Newborns sleep a great deal, but not in the way adults do. A newborn sleeps in short stretches around the clock and wakes to feed, and at first there is no difference between day and night. Some babies are awake and alert for a while after a feed, and others fall asleep while they are still feeding. Newborn sleep is often noisy. Your baby may grunt, snuffle, twitch, make faces and breathe unevenly, with a few fast breaths followed by slower ones. Many parents, like the mother in the diary, spend the first nights watching their baby breathe. This attention is natural. If your baby's breathing ever looks like hard work, or if the lips look blue or grey, that is a reason to call the emergency number, as explained later in this chapter.

A newborn feeds often, day and night. A newborn's stomach is small, and frequent feeds are how a baby grows and how, for a breastfed baby, the milk supply builds up. Your baby will show you when they are hungry, often before crying: turning the head and opening the mouth as if searching, making sucking movements, or bringing the hands to the mouth. These signs are called feeding cues. Whether you feed your baby breast milk, infant formula or both, the midwife or nurse can help you in the first days. Breastfeeding often feels new and sometimes sore at the start. Pain that does not ease is worth mentioning early, because a midwife or a feeding helper can often help. Chapter 4 explains feeding in much more detail.

Almost every parent asks the same question in the first days: is my baby getting enough? The midwife or nurse helps you answer it. They usually weigh your baby during the first weeks and ask about feeding and nappies. Many babies lose a little weight in the first days and then gain it back, and the midwife or nurse will watch this with you. Wet and dirty nappies are also a good guide, because a baby who takes in enough milk also passes urine and stools regularly. Ask the midwife how many wet and dirty nappies to expect each day at your baby's age, since this changes over the first week. Write down feeds and nappies for a few days if it helps you feel calmer, but there is no need to keep perfect records.

The first stools are dark green or almost black, thick and sticky, just as the midwife in the diary said. Over the first days they change colour and become softer. A breastfed baby's stools are often yellow or mustard-coloured, soft or runny, and may have small bits in them. A baby fed infant formula often has slightly firmer stools, pale brown or yellow-brown. Many shades of yellow, green and brown are normal, and the number of stools can vary a great deal from baby to baby. Some things are worth telling the midwife or doctor about soon: stools that are very pale, white or chalky, blood in the nappy, or very hard stools. In the first days, a baby girl may have a little white or slightly pink discharge in her nappy, which comes from the mother's hormones before birth; if you are unsure, ask the midwife.

Changing a nappy becomes quick and easy with practice, even though the first ones can feel slow and clumsy. Gather everything before you start: a clean nappy, warm water and soft cotton or cloths, and a change of clothes in case. Clean gently, and for a baby girl clean from front to back. Let the skin dry before you close the new nappy. Many parents find it safest to change nappies on a mat on the floor, where a baby cannot fall. If you use a changing table, keep one hand on your baby at all times, and never leave your baby alone on any raised surface, not even for a moment. Chapter 3 says more about safety at changing time and at bath time.

Holding Your Baby and Caring for the Cord

A newborn cannot yet hold up their own head, so the head and neck need support whenever you lift, hold or lay down your baby. Slide one hand under the head and neck and the other under the bottom, and bring your baby close to your body. Many parents hold a newborn lying along one arm, with the head in the bend of the elbow, or upright against the chest with a hand behind the head. Move slowly and calmly. At first you may feel that your baby is very fragile. With each day your hands learn, and holding your baby starts to feel natural. If you have a partner, both of you can practise; there is no right parent for this.

Babies love closeness. Many parents hold their baby against their bare chest, skin to skin, with a blanket over both of them. Your baby can hear your heartbeat, feel your warmth and smell your skin, and this often calms both of you. Your baby already knows your voice and will turn towards it. Talking softly, humming or simply describing what you are doing are all ways of getting to know each other. Babies are gentle beings and need gentle handling. Never shake a baby, for any reason. Chapter 5 explains what to do when crying feels like too much.

After birth, a short stump of the umbilical cord stays on your baby's tummy. Over the following days it dries, darkens and shrinks, and it falls off on its own, often within the first weeks. Until then, keep it clean and dry as the midwife shows you. Many parents fold the top of the nappy down below the stump, as the husband in the diary learned to do, so that it gets air and stays dry. Do not pull at the stump, even when it is hanging by a thread. A little stickiness around the stump can be normal. Tell the midwife or doctor straight away if the skin around the stump becomes red or swollen, if there is a bad smell or discharge, if the stump bleeds more than a few drops, or if your baby seems unwell.

Dressing a newborn takes some practice too. Clothes that open at the front or have wide necks are easier for small, floppy arms and a wobbly head. Babies should be warm but not too warm. Feeling the back of your baby's neck or the chest is a better guide than the hands and feet, which often feel cool. Inside the home, many babies need about the same clothing an adult would wear to feel comfortable, or a light layer more. Ask the midwife how warmly to dress your baby for sleep and for going out where you live, since homes and seasons differ.

Visits, Check-ups and Big Feelings

In the first days and weeks, you and your baby will meet health workers more often than at any other time. A midwife or nurse may check your baby's weight, feeding, skin colour, breathing, cord and general health, and may also check on the parent who gave birth. Your baby will have check-ups with a doctor or nurse during the first weeks. Home visits, check-ups and registering the birth differ from country to country. In some places a midwife or nurse visits families at home; in others, parents bring the baby to a clinic. The rules for registering a birth, and the time allowed for it, also differ. The official contact points where you live, such as the local public health office, the doctor, the midwife or the nurse who follows your baby, can tell you what applies to you. It is fine to ask early.

Family and friends often want to meet the baby, and visits can bring real joy and real help. They can also be tiring. It is fine to keep visits short, to ask people to wash their hands, and to ask anyone with a cold or fever to wait until they are well. Many families find it helpful to give visitors a small task, such as bringing a meal, washing the dishes or holding the baby while the parent showers, instead of hosting them. Relatives may also offer a lot of advice, like the grandparents in the diary. Some of it will help, and some of it will not fit your family. A simple, kind sentence such as "Thank you, we will ask the midwife" can protect your energy without hurting anyone.

Some signs in a newborn mean that you should not wait. In the first days, many babies look a little yellow in the skin or the whites of the eyes; tell the midwife or doctor if you notice this, so that they can check it. Reasons to contact a doctor straight away include a fever in a very young baby (ask your doctor or midwife which temperature they want you to call about), a baby who stops feeding or feeds much less than usual, a baby who is unusually sleepy and hard to wake, or a yellow colour that spreads or deepens. Reasons to call the emergency number include trouble breathing, blue or grey lips, a baby who is very floppy, or a seizure. You know your baby better every day. If something feels wrong, it is always right to ask.

The first days with a baby bring a flood of feelings. Joy, love, shock, relief, worry, tears and laughter can all arrive in the same morning, as they did for the mother in the diary with the burnt toast. Some parents feel love for their baby at once. For others, love grows more slowly over the weeks, as they get to know their baby. Both are normal, and both lead to a strong bond. If the birth was long, frightening or different from what you had hoped, you may also feel sad or confused about it, even while you are grateful that your baby is safe. These feelings deserve a place too, and later chapters return to them.

The other parent or partner may also feel overwhelmed, proud, tired and unsure, often all at once. A parent raising a child alone may feel these things with extra force. Mood can change by the hour in the first days, and many parents who gave birth begin to cry easily a few days after the birth; Chapter 3 explains these early tears, often called the baby blues. Feelings are not a test you can pass or fail. Sharing them with a partner, if you have one, or with someone close to you, makes them lighter. If your feelings become very heavy or frightening, tell your midwife or doctor. Asking for help early is a strong and caring act.

A Checklist of Things to Prepare

A car seat suited to a newborn, fitted before the day you go home: practise fastening it once or twice, so that the first ride home is calm and safe.

A list of phone numbers by the door and in your phone: the midwife, the doctor, the after-hours line, the emergency number and one person close to you. In a tired moment you will not need to search.

A notebook for questions and short notes: write down questions as they come, and bring the notebook to every visit and check-up. If anything concerns you, ask a doctor or midwife.

A nappy-changing place on the floor or with everything within reach: nappies, warm water, soft cloths and spare clothes, so that you never need to step away from your baby.

A quiet feeding corner: a comfortable seat, a cushion, a glass of water and a small snack, because a newborn feeds often, day and night.

A short list of tasks for visitors: meals, shopping, washing up or holding the baby while you rest, so that help can be accepted easily.

A person to message or call at night: a partner, a friend, a relative or another new parent who will answer kindly when you feel alone.

A note of the official contact points where you live: whom to ask about home visits, check-ups and registering the birth, and when each step is due.