Chapter 6: Respected, Not Feared: Leading Without Being Hated

Leading Your Former Friends

Mateus is thirty-two and has worked for eight years at a large recycling centre, sorting materials, operating machines and loading lorries. Last month, he was promoted to team leader of the morning shift. The promotion made him proud, and his family was delighted. But it also put him in a difficult position. The people he now leads are the same people he has worked beside for years. Some of them are his closest friends. They have eaten lunch together, played football together and complained about team leaders together.

In his first weeks, Mateus tried hard to stay liked. He avoided giving instructions that might annoy anyone. When two workers came in late, he said nothing, because he did not want to seem like he had changed. When a friend did careless work, he quietly fixed it himself rather than mentioning it. He joined in the lunchtime jokes about the managers, even though he was now, in a way, one of them.

It did not work. The workers who were always on time began to resent the ones who were late, and to resent Mateus for allowing it. The careless friend became more careless. Mateus found himself doing extra work every day to cover gaps, and his own manager began to ask why the morning shift was falling behind. Worst of all, Mateus noticed that some of the team had stopped taking him seriously. When he did ask for something, they did it slowly, or not at all.

Mateus went to the other extreme. One Monday, frustrated, he announced strict new rules, shouted at a worker who was late and threatened to report anyone who did careless work. The shift became tense and quiet. People did what he said, but they stopped talking to him. His friends avoided him at lunch. One worker hid a small accident with a machine, because he was afraid of Mateus's reaction. Mateus realized that he had swung from being too soft to being too hard, and that neither worked.

Mateus's dilemma is one that almost every new leader faces. Should a leader try to be liked, or to be obeyed? Machiavelli asked a version of this question in one of the most famous chapters of The Prince. His answer is controversial. But read carefully, it contains insights that can help ordinary leaders find a better path than either softness or fear.

Loved or Feared?

In chapter 17 of The Prince, Machiavelli asks whether it is better for a ruler to be loved or feared. His first answer is that a ruler should ideally be both. But since it is difficult to combine the two, he says, if one of them must be lacking, it is much safer to be feared than loved (The Prince, chapter 17).

His reasoning is cold. People, he says, are generally ungrateful, changeable, deceitful and eager for gain. While you do them good, they are entirely yours. But when you need them, they turn against you. Love, he says, is held by a chain of obligation, and because people are not good, they break that chain whenever it suits them. Fear, on the other hand, is held by the dread of punishment, which never fails (The Prince, chapter 17).

It is easy to see why this passage has troubled readers for centuries. It describes human beings in the darkest terms and recommends fear as a tool of government. This book does not accept that view of people or that method of leading. Most people are not simply ungrateful and deceitful, and a workplace led by fear is not only unpleasant but, as we will see, often less effective.

But Machiavelli immediately adds something important, which is often forgotten. A ruler, he says, must make himself feared in such a way that, if he does not gain love, he at least avoids hatred. Being feared and not hated, he says, can go together very well. And he explains how to avoid hatred: by keeping his hands off what belongs to the people, which he described, in the language of his time, as their property and their women, and by having a clear and good reason whenever he must act against someone (The Prince, chapter 17). In other words, even Machiavelli, the great advocate of fear, saw that a leader who is hated is in grave danger.

Two chapters later in The Prince, he adds that a ruler must also avoid being held in contempt. A ruler becomes contemptible, he writes, when he is seen as changeable, frivolous, cowardly or unable to make up his mind. He should try to show in his actions seriousness, strength and steadiness, and once he has made a decision, he should keep to it, so that nobody thinks they can deceive or manipulate him (The Prince, chapter 19).

From Fear to Respect

If we put aside the parts of Machiavelli's advice that rely on fear and harshness, we are left with a useful map for ordinary leaders. A leader can fail in two directions. They can be hated, which happens when they are unfair, when they take what belongs to others or when they harm people without good reason. Or they can be held in contempt, which happens when they are weak, inconsistent, unable to decide or unwilling to act. Mateus, in his first weeks, risked contempt. On that Monday, he risked hatred.

Between these two failures lies something that Machiavelli did not name directly, but which his warnings point toward. In this book, I will call it respect. A respected leader is not necessarily loved, and certainly not feared. They are trusted to be fair, to be consistent, to make decisions and to keep their word. People follow them not because they are afraid, and not only because they like them, but because they believe the leader will treat them justly and lead them competently.

Respect has several practical ingredients. The first is fairness: applying the same standards to everyone, including friends, and not taking what belongs to others, whether that is their credit, their time or their dignity. The second is consistency: being the same person on Monday as on Friday, so that people know what to expect. The third is decisiveness: making decisions when they need to be made, explaining them and then keeping to them, unless there is a good reason to change. The fourth is competence: knowing the work well enough to lead it.

There is also a practical reason why respect works better than fear in most modern workplaces. When people are afraid of their leader, they hide problems and mistakes, as the worker hid his small accident from Mateus. Problems that are hidden grow larger, as we will see in Chapter 9. A respected leader, on the other hand, is told about problems early, because people trust that they will be treated fairly. This makes the whole team safer and more effective.

Respect is also more durable than love. Machiavelli was right that affection can change quickly, especially when a leader must make an unpopular decision. A leader who relies only on being liked will find that support disappears the first time they say no. But a leader who is respected for fairness and consistency can make unpopular decisions and still keep the trust of their team, because people understand that the decision was made honestly.

Mateus Finds the Middle Path

After the tense week, Mateus asked for advice from an older team leader on another shift, a woman named Brigitte who was known for running a calm and productive team. She listened to his story and laughed kindly. "You tried being their friend, and then you tried being their boss," she said. "Now try being fair."

Brigitte suggested that Mateus call a short meeting with his team. At the meeting, he apologized for the Monday when he had shouted. He explained that he had been trying to stay everyone's friend and had not been fair to the people who did their work well. He said that from now on, he would apply the same simple standards to everyone, including his friends: arriving on time, doing careful work and telling him about problems, including accidents, without fear. He explained why each standard mattered, especially safety.

Then he did what he had said. When a worker was late, Mateus spoke to them privately and calmly, the same way for everyone. When work was careless, he pointed it out and asked the person to fix it, rather than fixing it himself. When the worker who had hidden the accident finally told him about it, Mateus thanked him for reporting it, made sure the machine was checked and said nothing harsh. Word of this spread quickly through the shift.

Within a few months, the morning shift was running more smoothly than it had for years. Some of Mateus's friends were a little cooler toward him than before, which he found painful. But most of them, including his closest friend, came to understand his position. "I miss being just one of the team," Mateus says. "But I would rather be a fair leader than a popular one. And actually, I think most of them like me more now than in my first weeks, because they know where they stand."

Mateus also learned to keep a little distance in some matters. He stopped joining in jokes about the managers, not because he had become their ally, but because he now had responsibilities that made those jokes unfair. He still eats lunch with his team, and he still plays football with them on Sundays. But at work, he is their leader, and they know it.

Delphine and the Decisions She Avoided

Delphine is forty-five and has recently become head of the science department at a secondary school. She is a gifted teacher and a kind person, and she wanted to lead her department of six teachers gently, by consensus. She hates conflict, and she wanted everyone to be happy.

In practice, this meant that Delphine avoided making decisions. When two teachers disagreed about how to divide the laboratory time, she asked them to work it out between themselves. When the department needed to choose a new textbook, she asked for everyone's opinion and then postponed the decision several times, because the opinions differed. When a teacher repeatedly failed to mark students' work on time, she hinted at the problem but never addressed it directly.

Over the year, Delphine's department became frustrated and divided. The two teachers who disagreed about laboratory time were still arguing. The textbook decision was so delayed that the students started the year with old books. The teachers who marked on time resented the one who did not, and resented Delphine for allowing it. Delphine was not hated. But she was beginning to be held in something close to what Machiavelli called contempt: seen as unable to decide and unwilling to act.

Delphine's deputy, an experienced teacher, spoke to her honestly. "Everyone likes you," he said. "But they need you to decide things. When you do not, they fight among themselves." Delphine was hurt, but she recognized the truth. She began to practise decisiveness. She still asked for opinions, but she set a date for each decision and made it on that date, explaining her reasons. She gave the laboratory time a clear schedule. She chose the textbook. She spoke directly and kindly to the teacher who was late with marking, and they agreed on a plan.

To her surprise, the department became calmer. Some teachers disagreed with some of her decisions, but they accepted them, because they understood her reasons and because they could finally move on. "I thought that leading kindly meant never making anyone unhappy," Delphine says. "Now I think it means being clear and fair, even when someone is unhappy for a while. That is kinder in the end, because the uncertainty was making everyone miserable."

Rustam and the Silent Building Site

Rustam is fifty-two and has worked as a foreman on building sites for twenty years. He is very experienced and very strict. His workers know that he shouts when he is angry, that he punishes mistakes and that he does not tolerate excuses. For years, Rustam believed that this was the right way to lead. "On a building site," he says, "people need to be afraid of getting things wrong. Mistakes can kill."

Rustam's sites were always orderly, and his workers did what they were told. But something happened last year that made him think again. A young worker noticed that a section of scaffolding had not been properly secured. He was afraid to tell Rustam, because the scaffolding had been put up by a senior worker, and he worried that Rustam would be angry with everyone. He said nothing. The next day, part of the scaffolding moved while two workers were on it. Fortunately, they were wearing their safety harnesses, and nobody was hurt. But it was very close.

When Rustam learned that the young worker had seen the problem and stayed silent out of fear, he was shaken. He had believed that fear made his sites safer. In fact, fear had nearly caused a serious accident, because it had stopped information from reaching him. Machiavelli had been concerned only with whether a ruler would keep his power. Rustam's concern was whether his workers would go home safely. And for that, he realized, fear was not enough.

Rustam began to change, slowly, because his habits were old. He told his workers that he wanted to hear about any safety concern immediately, and that nobody would be punished for reporting a problem, even if they had caused it. He began to thank people who reported concerns, publicly. He still held high standards, and he still corrected mistakes firmly. But he stopped shouting, and he made a clear distinction between honest mistakes, which he treated as chances to learn, and deliberate carelessness, which he did not tolerate.

A year later, the number of concerns reported on Rustam's sites had increased greatly, and the number of incidents had fallen. "I used to think respect meant people being afraid of me," Rustam says. "Now I think it means people trusting me enough to tell me the truth. On a building site, the truth is what keeps people alive." It is worth adding that safety at work is also a matter of rules and responsibilities that go beyond any one leader's style, and that anyone who sees a danger at work should report it through the proper channels.

Tilde and the Credit She Took

Tilde is thirty-seven and leads a small team that organizes conferences for professional associations. She is talented and ambitious, and her team produces excellent events. But she has developed a habit that her team members resent. When she presents their work to senior managers, she describes it as her own. She says "I organized" and "I arranged" when much of the work was done by others. She rarely mentions her team's names.

Tilde did not think of this as unfair. She was the leader, after all, and she felt that the team's success reflected on her. But her team members felt differently. They felt that something that belonged to them, the credit for their work, was being taken. Over time, two of her best team members left for other jobs. In their exit interviews, both mentioned that they had felt unrecognized.

Machiavelli warned that a ruler becomes hated when he takes what belongs to his people. He was speaking of property, but the principle applies to anything people value as theirs. In working life, credit for one's work is one of the things people value most. A leader who takes it, even without meaning harm, risks the slow growth of resentment that Machiavelli called hatred.

When Tilde read the exit interviews, she was shocked. She had not realized how her habit had been experienced. She decided to change it. At the next presentation to senior managers, she named each team member and described their specific contribution. She began sending short notes to senior managers when a team member did something excellent. She found that, far from reducing her own standing, this increased it. Senior managers began to see her as a leader who developed talented people, which was a more valuable reputation than being a talented individual.

Tilde's team noticed the change at once. Their work became even better, because they felt that it would be seen. "I thought giving credit away would make me look smaller," Tilde says. "It made me look bigger, and it made my team want to stay. I wish I had understood that before I lost two good people."

Practical Steps: Building Respect

The first step is to apply the same standards to everyone. Decide what you expect from the people you lead, explain why and apply it equally, including to friends. Fairness is the foundation of respect. Nothing destroys it faster than favouritism.

The second step is to avoid taking what belongs to others. Give credit generously and specifically. Respect people's time, especially their time outside work. Protect their dignity, especially when correcting them; correct in private, thank in public. These are modern versions of Machiavelli's warning not to take what belongs to the people.

The third step is to decide when decisions are needed. Ask for opinions, listen carefully and then decide, explaining your reasons. Set a date for important decisions and keep to it. Once you have decided, keep to the decision unless there is a good reason to change, and if you do change, explain why.

The fourth step is to be consistent. Try to be the same leader on good days and bad days. People need to know what to expect. Inconsistency, being warm one day and harsh the next, makes people anxious and erodes trust.

The fifth step is to make it safe to bring you bad news. Thank people who report problems, especially when the problem is their own mistake. Distinguish between honest mistakes and deliberate carelessness. A leader who hears about problems early can solve them while they are small.

The sixth step is to keep learning the work. Respect also depends on competence. Stay close to the work your team does, understand its difficulties and keep your own skills up to date. People respect leaders who understand what they are asking of them.

Respect Is Not Distance, and Fear Can Be Abuse

Two misunderstandings are worth avoiding. The first is to think that respect requires coldness or distance. Mateus still eats lunch with his team. Delphine is still kind. A respected leader can be warm, friendly and approachable. What they cannot be is unfair, inconsistent or unwilling to decide. Warmth and respect go together very well when warmth is not used as a substitute for fairness.

The second is to think that Machiavelli's preference for fear has any place in ordinary working life. A leader who shouts, threatens, humiliates or punishes harshly is not being Machiavellian in a clever way. They are behaving in a way that can damage people's health and wellbeing, and that may amount to bullying. If you work for such a leader, it is right to keep a record of what happens, to seek support and to use the proper channels to raise concerns. If you are such a leader, it is never too late to change, as Rustam did.

Finally, it is worth remembering that no leader is respected by everyone all the time. Some people will disagree with fair decisions. Some will be unhappy with consistent standards. That is not a sign of failure. It is part of the responsibility of leading. A leader who needs everyone's approval at every moment will, as Mateus found, end up leading nobody well.

A Short Exercise: A Respect Check

This exercise is for anyone who leads others in any way: a team, a project, a group of volunteers, a family or even a single apprentice. It takes about fifteen minutes.

Take a page and write four headings: Fairness, Consistency, Decisiveness and Credit. Under each heading, write one or two honest sentences about how you are doing. For example, under Fairness: "I am stricter with new staff than with old friends." Under Consistency: "My mood on Monday mornings affects how I treat people." Under Decisiveness: "I have been postponing the decision about the new schedule for a month." Under Credit: "I rarely mention my team's names to senior managers."

Then look at the four headings and ask: where am I at risk of contempt, by being too soft, inconsistent or indecisive? Where am I at risk of hatred, by being unfair or taking what belongs to others? Mark each risk with a small symbol.

Choose one risk to work on in the coming month, and write one specific action. "Speak to my friend about his lateness, the same way I speak to others." "Make the schedule decision by Friday and explain it." "Name two team members in my next report." Then, at the end of the month, write a few lines about what happened.

Mateus did this exercise after his conversation with Brigitte. His biggest risk was under Fairness: "I let my friends get away with things." His action was to speak privately with each late worker in the same way. A month later, he wrote: "Nobody likes it, but everyone understands it. The on-time workers have stopped looking at me with that tired face."

Chapter Summary

In chapter 17 of The Prince, Machiavelli argued that a ruler would ideally be both loved and feared, but that if one must be lacking, it is safer to be feared; this book does not accept that view or that method. Machiavelli also insisted that a ruler must avoid being hated, especially by not taking what belongs to the people, and in chapter 19 that he must avoid contempt, which comes from appearing weak, changeable or unable to decide. Between hatred and contempt lies respect: fairness, consistency, decisiveness and competence.

Mateus leading his former friends, Delphine avoiding decisions, Rustam and his silent building site and Tilde taking her team's credit all found that respect works better than either softness or fear. Fear makes people hide problems; softness lets problems grow. Respect is compatible with warmth, but not with unfairness. A leader who relies on fear may be behaving in a way that harms people, and such behaviour should be raised through proper channels.

In the next chapter, we will look at the people a leader listens to: honest advisers, and the pleasant flatterers who can be so dangerous.