Closing Words

When I first read Alfred Adler, I was struck by how ordinary his examples were. He did not write mainly about rare conditions or dramatic events. He wrote about children who misbehave at the dinner table, about brothers and sisters competing for a parent's attention, about couples who cannot agree, about people who are afraid to try because they might fail. He wrote, in other words, about the everyday relationships that fill most of our lives.

I have tried to keep that ordinariness in this book. The people you have met are a physiotherapy assistant rewriting a message, a technician who cannot speak up, a bookkeeper at a reunion, a father fighting about homework, a teacher who cannot say no, a gardener who praises too much, a young reporter, a plumber who works seventy hours a week, a train conductor on a lonely birthday, a couple with a list on the fridge, a responsible eldest daughter, a mother and her teenager at ten o'clock, a perfectionist teacher and a widower reading to children. None of them is a hero. All of them found, in small steps, a way to live more freely among others.

What helped them, again and again, was a quiet change of question. Instead of asking, "What do they think of me?", they began to ask, "How can I live well with them? What is mine to do here? What can I give?" This change did not make them care less about people. It made them care more, and fear less.

If you take one thing from this book, let it be that change of question. Ask it often. When you notice yourself seeking approval, turn your attention outward. When you forget, which you will, simply begin again. Belonging is not something we earn by pleasing. It is something we build by caring, contributing and standing beside each other as equals.

About Alfred Adler and His Tradition

Alfred Adler was born in 1870 and died in 1937. He trained as a doctor and worked first with patients' eyes and then as a general doctor, before turning more and more to questions of the mind and of how people live together. For several years he took part in a discussion circle led by Sigmund Freud, but he left it in 1911 after deep disagreements and developed his own approach, which he called individual psychology. After serving as an army doctor in the First World War, he helped set up guidance centres for children linked with schools, and he spent much of his later life lecturing and writing for ordinary readers.

Among Adler's books for general readers are Understanding Human Nature, first published in 1927, What Life Should Mean to You, first published in 1931, and Social Interest, first published in 1933. These books are the main sources for the ideas described in this book. Two earlier and more specialist works are also mentioned: Study of Organ Inferiority, from 1907, and The Neurotic Character, from 1912. All references to them are given in my own plain words, not in quotation.

Some ideas in this book come not from Adler himself but from later teachers who worked in his tradition. These include the question "Whose task is this?", which is a modern summary of their thinking rather than a phrase from Adler's books, the distinction between praise and encouragement, the phrase "the courage to be imperfect" and the idea of four mistaken goals behind children's misbehaviour. Rudolf Dreikurs, who lived from 1897 to 1972 and worked mainly with parents and teachers, was one of the most important of these teachers. Wherever an idea comes from this later tradition, the text says so.

Adler wrote about birth order, and his descriptions are still widely known. Large later studies have found little or no reliable effect of birth order on personality. As this book explains in Chapter 11, the more useful part of Adler's idea is his insistence that what matters is how each child interprets their place in the family, not the position itself.

The Questions of This Book in One Place

The fifteen chapters each turn on a single question. They are gathered below so that you can come back to them whenever you need them.

Chapter 1: Am I seeking approval here, or could I contribute instead?

Chapter 2: What meaning have I given to my past, and what other meaning could I choose?

Chapter 3: Am I comparing myself with others, or with my own yesterday?

Chapter 4: Whose task is this?

Chapter 5: Am I saying yes from choice or from fear?

Chapter 6: Am I judging from above, or encouraging as an equal?

Chapter 7: In this relationship, am I above, below or beside?

Chapter 8: How am I doing in work, friendship and love?

Chapter 9: Am I waiting to be invited, or am I showing up and showing interest?

Chapter 10: Am I keeping score, or caring for my partner's well-being?

Chapter 11: What role did I learn in my family, and which parts of it do I still need?

Chapter 12: Is this still about the issue, or has it become about who wins?

Chapter 13: What would good enough look like here?

Chapter 14: What small thing could I give someone today?

Chapter 15: How can I live well with people, whether or not they approve of me?

Using This Book With Others

Many of the ideas in this book work best when they are shared. You might read a chapter each week with a friend, a partner, a family member or a small group, and talk about how the ideas apply to your lives. If you do, a few simple agreements can help: each person speaks from their own experience, what others share stays private, anyone may skip a question, and listening counts as much as speaking.

One simple way to start is to read the chapter summary together and let each person mention one moment from the past week that connects with it. You might then do the chapter's exercise together, or each try it at home before you meet again. Hearing how others use the same ideas often gives people courage and new possibilities.

Families, too, can use some of these ideas together. A short weekly family meeting, in which everyone can speak in turn and problems are solved together, is one of the most practical tools from Adler's tradition. It works best when everyone, including children, is treated as an equal voice, and when the meeting includes appreciation as well as problems.

A reading group or family meeting is not a place to diagnose anyone or to solve every difficulty. If a conversation shows that someone is struggling seriously, the kindest thing may be to talk with them privately afterwards and help them find the right support.

About the Author

The author came to Adler's ideas during a period of life spent trying very hard to be liked: by colleagues, by friends and by family. His plain, practical books offered a different way of looking at everyday relationships, and some of their simplest questions became daily companions. This book was written in the hope that those ideas might help other ordinary people live a little more freely among the people they care about.

A Note on Care

If you are struggling with very low mood, constant fear or difficulties that make daily life very hard, please talk to a doctor or another qualified professional.

If someone is hurting you, threatening you or controlling your life, please reach out to people and services that can help you be safe. If you ever feel that you might hurt yourself, or if you are in danger, contact a helpline or a medical facility right away. In immediate danger, call your local emergency number.

The people in the examples of this book are imagined. Their situations are common ones, but their names and lives are invented, and any resemblance to real people is not intended.