Chapter 10: Love Without Keeping Score

The List on the Fridge

Jakob and Mira are both thirty-four. They have been together for nine years and have a four-year-old son. Both work full time, Jakob as a physiotherapist and Mira as a planner for a transport company. They love each other. But lately, their home has become a place of quiet tension, and much of it is about one thing: who does more.

It began with small comments. "I did the washing again." "I picked him up from nursery three days this week." "You forgot to buy milk." Then Mira made a list of household tasks and stuck it on the fridge, with columns for each of them. At first, the list seemed helpful. But soon it became a scoreboard. Each of them began to notice every task the other had not done and every task they themselves had done. Each felt that they were doing more. Each felt unappreciated.

One Sunday evening, after an argument about whose turn it was to clean the bathroom, Jakob sat in the car outside their building for twenty minutes before going back in. He did not want to argue anymore. But he also did not want to give in, because giving in felt like admitting that Mira was right and he was lazy. Upstairs, Mira was sitting at the kitchen table, feeling exactly the same.

Neither Jakob nor Mira is a bad partner. Both work hard, both love their son and both want a happy home. The problem is not their effort. It is the way the relationship has turned into a contest. Instead of standing side by side, facing the tasks of life together, they have started standing opposite each other, each keeping score.

Adler wrote a great deal about love and partnership. He saw love as the third great task of life, and he believed that it required a special kind of cooperation between two equals. This chapter explores his ideas and how they might help partners who have started to keep score.

A Task for Two

In What Life Should Mean to You, Adler devoted a whole chapter to love and marriage. He began by observing that the task of love is different from the tasks of work and friendship in one important way. It is a task for two people. Work and friendship involve cooperation with many others. Love involves a deep, close cooperation with one other person, which Adler thought required its own kind of training and courage.

Adler believed that a good partnership rests on equality. Neither partner should feel that they are beneath the other, and neither should try to rule the other. He wrote that difficulties in marriage often arise when one partner wants to dominate, or when one partner expects to be looked after and pampered, as they perhaps were as a child. In both cases, the relationship becomes unequal, and the cooperation it needs becomes impossible.

One of Adler's most striking ideas about love is that each partner should be more interested in the other than in themselves. This does not mean that partners should neglect their own needs. It means that the attitude each brings to the relationship should be one of interest in the other's well-being, rather than a focus on what they are getting. Adler believed that if both partners have this attitude, both will be cared for, because each is looking after the other.

This idea throws light on Jakob and Mira's scoreboard. When partners keep score, each is focused on what they themselves are giving and what they are not receiving. Their interest is turned inward. Each is, in a sense, defending their own account. Adler's idea turns this around. If each partner asks, "How is my partner doing? What do they need? How can I make their life easier?", the score becomes much less important, because each is giving freely rather than calculating.

Adler also believed that love, like the other life tasks, is fundamentally a matter of social interest. A person who is mainly concerned with their own importance, their own comfort or their own approval will find love difficult, because love requires turning toward another person. A person who has developed real interest in others will find it easier to love and to be loved. This means that learning to love well is connected with learning to live well with people in general.

Why We Keep Score

If keeping score damages relationships, why do so many partners do it? Adler's ideas suggest several reasons. One is the fear of being taken advantage of. Many people carry a quiet worry that if they give freely, the other person will take more and more, and they will end up being used. Keeping score feels like a way of protecting themselves.

Another reason is the hunger for appreciation. When we feel that our contributions are not noticed or valued, we start to count them, as if the count itself will prove our worth. Jakob and Mira each felt unappreciated. Their lists were, in a sense, a way of saying, "Look at everything I do. See me."

A third reason is that relationships often become unequal in ways that partners have never discussed. One partner may have taken on more of the household tasks without either of them deciding it. One may earn more and assume that this gives them more say. One may carry more of the invisible work of remembering, planning and organizing. When such inequalities are not spoken about, they turn into resentment, and resentment turns into scorekeeping.

Understanding these reasons helps us see that scorekeeping is usually a sign of something else: fear, a need for appreciation or an unspoken inequality. The scoreboard itself is not the real problem. It is a symptom. To heal a relationship that has started keeping score, we usually need to address what lies beneath it.

There is also a simple practical problem with scorekeeping: each person sees their own contributions much more clearly than their partner's. We know every minute we spent on a task, every bit of effort and every small sacrifice. We see only part of what the other person does, and we often do not see the effort behind it at all. So when both partners keep score, both usually conclude that they are doing more. Both can be sincere, and both can be wrong. This is one reason why scorekeeping so rarely settles anything. It only adds a second argument to the first.

Adler's answer would be to move the relationship back toward equality and cooperation. This means speaking honestly about how tasks are shared, so that neither partner carries more than is fair. It means each partner showing real appreciation for the other's contributions, so that neither feels invisible. And it means each partner turning their attention outward, toward the other's well-being, rather than inward, toward their own account.

Jakob and Mira Take Down the List

After the Sunday evening argument, Jakob and Mira agreed to talk properly, without blaming. They sat down one evening after their son was asleep. Mira began by saying that she felt she carried most of the planning for the family: remembering appointments, buying presents, arranging childcare. These tasks did not appear on the fridge list, but they took a great deal of her energy. Jakob was surprised. He had not realized how much of this invisible work Mira was doing.

Jakob, in turn, said that he felt his contributions were never noticed. He did most of the cooking and all of the car maintenance, and he often took their son to the park on Saturday mornings so that Mira could rest. But Mira rarely thanked him, and the fridge list made him feel that he was always falling short. Mira admitted that she had stopped noticing what he did, because she was so focused on what he had not done.

They decided to take down the list. In its place, they agreed on a few things. They would divide the planning work more fairly, with Jakob taking responsibility for some appointments and family events. They would sit down together for fifteen minutes every Sunday evening to plan the week, so that nobody carried the planning alone. And each evening, they would each tell the other one thing they had noticed and appreciated that day.

The last part felt awkward at first. "Thank you for cooking dinner." "Thank you for remembering my mother's birthday." "Thank you for taking him to the park." But after a few weeks, it became natural. Both of them began to notice more of what the other did, because they were looking for something to appreciate. And both began to feel more seen.

Jakob and Mira still have disagreements, as all couples do. But the scoreboard has gone, and so has much of the tension. "We stopped asking who was doing more," Mira says, "and started asking how we could help each other. It sounds simple. It was the hardest and best change we have made." This is very close to what Adler meant by each partner being more interested in the other than in themselves.

Tunde and Bisi After the Children Left

Tunde and Bisi are in their mid-fifties and have been married for twenty-eight years. They raised three children, who have now all left home. For most of their marriage, life was busy and full: school runs, homework, sports, illnesses, celebrations. They worked as a team, and they were proud of the family they had built.

Now that the house is quiet, they have discovered something unsettling. They do not know how to be together without the children. Their conversations are polite but thin. They watch television in the evenings and go to bed early. Each has started to wonder whether the other is still happy in the marriage, but neither has asked. Bisi has thrown herself into her work and her community group. Tunde spends long hours in his garden shed.

Adler's view of love as a task for two helps explain what has happened. For many years, Tunde and Bisi's cooperation was focused on a shared task outside themselves: raising their children. That task kept them working side by side. Now that it is complete, they need a new way of cooperating, one that is focused on each other and on the life they want to share.

It was Bisi who finally spoke. One evening, she said, "I feel like we have become strangers. I do not want that." Tunde was relieved. He had felt the same. They talked for a long time about what they had loved about each other when they first met, and what they wanted for the coming years. They realized that they had both been waiting for the other to make the first move, and that both had been afraid of what the other might say.

They decided to try new things together. They took a dancing class, which made them both laugh. They started walking together on Sunday mornings. They planned a trip to visit places they had always talked about but never had time to see. Tunde invited Bisi to help him design a new vegetable garden, and Bisi invited Tunde to help with a fundraising event at her community group. Slowly, they began to cooperate again, this time as partners in their own shared life. "We were good parents together," Tunde says. "Now we are learning to be good companions together. It is a new task, and we are enjoying it."

Paulina and the New Relationship

Paulina is sixty-one. Her husband died five years ago after a long illness. They had been married for thirty years, and she loved him very much. For a long time after his death, she could not imagine being with anyone else. But last year, she met a kind man named Waldemar at a community lunch, and they have begun to spend time together.

Paulina is happy, but she is also anxious. She finds herself comparing Waldemar with her late husband, sometimes favourably and sometimes not. She worries about what her children will think. She worries about whether she is being disloyal to her husband's memory. And she worries about whether Waldemar will find her too set in her ways, too old or too burdened by her past.

Many of Paulina's worries are about approval: her children's approval, the approval of friends, and even a kind of imagined approval from her late husband. Adler's ideas suggest a different focus. Instead of asking whether everyone approves, Paulina might ask whether this relationship is one of equality, cooperation and mutual care. Is she interested in Waldemar's well-being? Is he interested in hers? Do they stand side by side?

When Paulina thought about it this way, she found clear answers. Waldemar listens to her, respects her and shows real interest in her life, including her memories of her husband. She enjoys caring for him, cooking for him and hearing about his own life, which has had its own losses. They are building something new, between two people who each bring a long history. Her love for her late husband is not erased by this new relationship. It is part of who she is, and Waldemar accepts that.

Paulina talked with her children, who were more supportive than she had feared. Her daughter said, "Dad would want you to be happy." Paulina still sometimes feels a pang of guilt, and she still sometimes compares. But she has stopped seeking everyone's approval for her choice. "I loved my husband," she says. "I am learning to love again. Both are true. I do not need everyone to understand that. I only need to be honest and kind with Waldemar, and with myself."

Siddharth and the Fear of Rejection

Siddharth is twenty-eight and would like to find a partner. He has been on several dates in the past year, usually after meeting people through friends or through an online service. But the dates rarely lead anywhere. He feels that he is always performing: trying to say the right things, to seem confident and interesting, to make a good impression. Afterwards, he goes over every moment, wondering whether he said something wrong.

When a date does not lead to a second meeting, Siddharth takes it as a judgment on his worth. "I am not attractive enough," he tells himself, "or not interesting enough, or not successful enough." He has started to feel anxious before every date, and he is beginning to think about giving up.

Siddharth's approach to dating is a clear example of seeking approval rather than connection. He is focused on how he appears to the other person, and on whether they will approve of him. This makes him tense and self-conscious, which makes it harder for real connection to happen. In Adler's terms, his attention is turned inward, toward his own image, rather than outward, toward the other person.

A friend suggested a different approach. "Stop trying to impress them," she said. "Try to get to know them. Be curious. Ask questions you really want to know the answers to. Listen. Treat it as meeting an interesting person, not as passing an exam." Siddharth tried this on his next date. He asked his companion about her work, her family and what she enjoyed. He listened carefully and shared honestly about himself, without trying to seem impressive.

The date went well, though it did not lead to a relationship. But Siddharth noticed that he had enjoyed it much more, and that he did not spend the next day replaying it. On later dates, he continued this approach. He met someone with whom he felt a real connection, and they have been seeing each other for three months. "When I stopped trying to be approved of," Siddharth says, "I started to actually meet people. And when it does not work out, I no longer take it as a verdict on me. It just means we were not right for each other."

Practical Steps: Cooperation in Love

The first step is to notice scorekeeping. If you find yourself counting what you do and what your partner does not do, pause and ask what lies beneath it. Do you feel unappreciated? Is there an inequality that has not been discussed? Are you afraid of being taken advantage of? Naming the real issue is the first step toward addressing it.

The second step is to talk about sharing tasks fairly, including invisible ones. Sit down together and list everything that keeps your shared life running: not only visible tasks like cooking and cleaning, but also planning, remembering, organizing and emotional care. Discuss how they are shared and whether the sharing feels fair to both of you. Adjust where needed.

The third step is to appreciate each other daily. Each day, tell your partner one specific thing you noticed and appreciated. "Thank you for making the call to the school." "I noticed you were patient with him this morning." This small habit can transform a relationship, because it trains both partners to look for what the other gives, rather than what they withhold.

The fourth step is to turn your interest outward. Ask yourself regularly: how is my partner really doing? What are they worried about? What would make their life easier this week? Adler believed that if each partner focuses on the other's well-being, both will be cared for. You cannot control whether your partner does this, but you can do it yourself, and your example may encourage them.

The fifth step is to find shared tasks and pleasures. Like Tunde and Bisi, couples sometimes need a new shared project or activity that brings them side by side: a class, a garden, a trip, a hobby, a cause they both care about. Working on something together renews the sense of being partners.

The sixth step, for those looking for love, is to seek connection rather than approval. Like Siddharth, focus on getting to know the other person rather than on impressing them. Be curious, listen and be honest. Real connection is much more likely when we stop performing.

Cooperation Is Not Tolerating Harm

Everything in this chapter assumes a relationship between two people who both want to cooperate and who treat each other with basic respect. Adler's ideas about love are not meant for relationships in which one person hurts, threatens, controls or frightens the other.

If your partner is violent, threatens you, controls your money, your movements or your contact with friends and family, or makes you afraid, the problem is not that you are keeping score or not cooperating enough. It is that you are being harmed. In such a situation, please reach out to people and services that can help you be safe. If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.

It is also worth saying that no single partner is responsible for making the other completely happy. Adler believed that each person must bring their own courage and social interest to the relationship, and that a relationship cannot carry everything a person needs. As we saw in Chapter 8, friendship and work matter too. A partner who expects the other to fill every need, or who takes no responsibility for their own happiness, is placing a heavy and unfair burden on the relationship. Love is cooperation between two whole people, not rescue of one by the other.

A Short Exercise: The Weekly Partnership Talk

This exercise is for couples who want to move from scorekeeping to cooperation. It takes about fifteen to twenty minutes once a week. If you are not in a relationship, you can adapt it for a close family member or housemate with whom you share daily life.

Choose a regular time each week when you are both relaxed and not too tired, such as Sunday evening or Saturday morning. Sit together without phones or other distractions. Take turns answering three questions, while the other person listens without interrupting.

The first question is: "What did you appreciate about me this week?" Each person names two or three specific things. The second question is: "What was hard for you this week, and is there anything I could do to help?" Each person shares honestly, and the other listens and offers help where possible. The third question is: "What would you like us to do together in the coming week?" This might be a walk, a meal, a conversation, a task or simply time to rest together.

After both have answered, look briefly at the coming week's tasks and plans, and agree on how to share them. Keep this part short and practical. The main purpose of the talk is not to divide tasks, but to keep the relationship one of appreciation, support and shared purpose.

Jakob and Mira have done this talk every Sunday for six months. They say that the first question, about appreciation, is the most powerful. "Every week, I hear something I did not know Mira had noticed," Jakob says. "It makes me want to do more, not because I am keeping score, but because I want to." Mira adds that the second question has helped her ask for help before she becomes resentful. "I used to wait until I was angry," she says. "Now I just say what I need on Sunday."

Chapter Summary

Adler saw love as the third great task of life and as a task for two people, requiring a special kind of cooperation between equals (What Life Should Mean to You, chapter on love and marriage). He believed that each partner should be more interested in the other than in themselves, and that problems arise when one partner tries to dominate or expects to be pampered. Scorekeeping in relationships is usually a sign of something deeper: fear of being used, a need for appreciation or an unspoken inequality.

Jakob and Mira with their list on the fridge, Tunde and Bisi after their children left, Paulina in her new relationship and Siddharth with his fear of rejection all found that turning their attention toward the other person, sharing tasks fairly, appreciating each other and seeking connection rather than approval made love lighter and stronger. Cooperation never means tolerating harm, and no partner can be responsible for all of the other's happiness.

In the next chapter, we will look at the first relationships of all, the ones in which we learned many of our patterns: our families, and the roles we took on in them.