Chapter 8: Difficult People Without Inner Storms

The Report With Someone Else's Name

Grace is forty-four and works as a laboratory technician at a water treatment plant. Her job is to test samples and make sure the water is safe. She is careful and thorough, and she enjoys finding patterns in the results. Last month, she noticed something unusual in the data from one of the treatment tanks. She spent several evenings checking it, wrote a clear summary and gave it to her colleague Dennis, who was preparing the monthly report for the managers.

At the monthly meeting, Dennis presented the finding. He explained the pattern, the possible cause and the solution, all from Grace's summary. He did not mention her name. The managers were impressed. One of them said, "Excellent work, Dennis. This is exactly the kind of attention we need." Dennis smiled and said thank you. Grace sat at the back of the room and felt her whole body go hot.

Since then, Grace has found it hard to think about anything else. At work, every time she sees Dennis, her stomach tightens. At home, she replays the meeting again and again. She imagines what she should have said. She imagines confronting him in front of everyone. She imagines the managers finding out the truth and turning against him. Some nights, she lies awake composing long speeches that she will never give.

What troubles Grace is not only the injustice. It is also the way it has taken over her mind. Dennis seems untroubled. He goes about his day, chatting and laughing. Grace carries the whole weight of what happened. "He did something wrong," she told a friend, "and I am the one who cannot sleep." This is one of the hardest things about difficult people. Their behaviour is theirs, but the inner storm it creates is ours.

Almost everyone has someone like Dennis in their life: a colleague, a neighbour, a relative, a customer, a former friend. Difficult people are one of the oldest sources of worry and distress. The Stoics wrote about them often, perhaps because their own lives were full of them. Marcus Aurelius, after all, spent his days surrounded by flatterers, rivals and people who wanted something from him.

Marcus' Morning Preparation

We met Marcus' famous morning note briefly in Chapter 4. Now let us look at it more closely, because it is one of the most practical passages in Stoic writing about other people. Marcus begins by telling himself that today he will meet people who are interfering, ungrateful, arrogant, deceitful, jealous and unfriendly (Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 2.1).

Then he explains why they behave this way. They act like this, he says, because they do not understand what is truly good and bad. But he himself has seen that the good is what is right and the bad is what is wrong. He has also seen that the person who does wrong is his relative, not by blood, but because they share the same human mind and the same human nature. Therefore, he concludes, none of them can truly harm him, because none of them can force him to do wrong. And he cannot be angry with his relative or hate him, because we were made to work together, like two hands, two feet or the upper and lower rows of teeth (Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 2.1).

There are three ideas packed into this short note. The first is expectation. Marcus did not wake up hoping that everyone would be pleasant. He expected difficulty, so that he would not be shocked by it. The second is understanding. He reminded himself that people who behave badly usually do so because they are confused about what matters, not because they are monsters. The third is connection. Even difficult people are members of the same human family, and our nature is to work with them, not against them.

Marcus also wrote a much shorter note on the same theme. In my own words: the best way to take revenge is not to become like the person who wronged you (Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 6.6). This line is easy to remember and hard to practise. When someone treats us badly, we often want to answer in the same way: to be cold to the cold person, unfair to the unfair person, rude to the rude person. Marcus suggests that this would be a second defeat. The first defeat is what they did to us. The second would be letting them change who we are.

It is worth noticing what Marcus does not say. He does not say that bad behaviour is acceptable. He does not say that we should pretend it did not happen. He says that it cannot harm the part of us that matters most, our character, unless we let it. That is a strong position from which to respond, and a much calmer one than the position of someone who feels that their whole peace is in another person's hands.

The Two Handles and the Nine Reminders

Epictetus offered an image that can help in moments of conflict. Everything, he said, has two handles. By one handle, it can be carried. By the other, it cannot. If your brother treats you unjustly, do not pick the situation up by the handle "he is treating me unjustly," because that handle cannot carry anything. Pick it up instead by the other handle: "he is my brother, we grew up together." Then you will be able to carry it (Epictetus, Enchiridion 43).

This is not a way of denying the injustice. The brother really did treat you unjustly. But if you hold the situation only by that handle, you can do nothing with it except feel hurt and angry. If you also hold it by the handle of your relationship, your shared history and your shared humanity, you can begin to move: to talk, to repair, to set a limit or to forgive. The handle you choose decides whether the situation can be carried forward or only dropped on your foot.

Late in his notebook, Marcus wrote a longer list of reminders for when someone offends him. I will give a few of them in short form. Remember that people are made for one another. Remember what they are like at home, at the table and in bed, so that you see them as ordinary human beings. Remember that if they are doing wrong, they are doing it out of ignorance, and nobody does wrong willingly. Remember that you yourself have done many wrongs and are not so different. Remember that you are not always sure that they are doing wrong at all, since many actions have reasons you cannot see. Remember that life is short. Remember that it is not their actions that disturb you, but your judgments about them. And remember that kindness is very powerful, if it is real and not a pretence (Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 11.18).

That last reminder may surprise people who think of Stoics as hard and cold. Marcus believed that genuine kindness, offered calmly, could often reach even an aggressive person. He imagined speaking gently to someone who was trying to harm him: "No, my friend, we were made for something else. You will not hurt me. You are hurting yourself." He added that such words should be spoken without mockery and without showing off, but with simple affection (Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 11.18).

Of course, kindness does not always work, and Marcus knew that. But the reminders have value even when the other person does not change. They change what happens inside us. The angry speeches we compose at night lose some of their fire when we remember that the other person is confused, human and not so different from us. And our next action, whatever it is, comes from a steadier place.

Olga and the Noise Upstairs

Olga is fifty-eight and lives in a block of flats. A year ago, a young couple moved into the flat above hers. They are friendly when she meets them on the stairs, but in the evenings they play loud music, and late at night she hears footsteps, furniture moving and doors closing. Olga works early shifts at a bakery, and she needs to sleep by ten.

At first, she lay in bed feeling more and more angry. She imagined banging on the ceiling. She imagined writing an angry note. She began to feel tense even before the noise started, waiting for it. Her irritation started to fill her evenings, even on quiet nights.

One evening, Olga remembered Epictetus' two handles. The handle she had been holding was "they are selfish and do not care about me." That handle could carry nothing except anger. She looked for the other handle. "They are young. They may not know how much sound travels in this building. They have always been polite to me." With that handle, she could do something.

The next weekend, she knocked on their door in the afternoon, when she was calm. She said that she was sure they did not realize how much sound came through the floor, explained that she started work very early and asked whether the music could be turned down after ten. The young woman looked surprised and embarrassed. "We had no idea," she said. "We are so sorry." Things did not become perfect. Some nights were still noisy. But they were much better, and Olga found it easier to accept the remaining noise because she knew that her neighbours were trying.

Olga noticed something else, too. Before the conversation, she had spent many evenings in anger. After it, even on the noisy nights, she was less disturbed. The noise was the same, but her judgment about it had changed. She no longer heard it as a deliberate insult. She heard it as the sound of two clumsy young people living their lives. That change, as Marcus would say, was the part that was up to her.

Tariq at the Family Table

Tariq is thirty-five. Twice a year, his whole family gathers at his parents' house for a long meal. He loves these gatherings, except for one thing: his older brother, Samir. Samir has a habit of making small, sharp comments about Tariq's life. His job is not serious enough. His flat is too small. Why is he not married yet? The comments are always made with a smile, so that if Tariq reacts, he looks oversensitive.

For years, Tariq spent the week before each gathering dreading it, and the week after it replaying every comment. At the table itself, he either went silent or snapped back, and both left him feeling worse. "He knows exactly how to upset me," Tariq said. "It is as if he has a remote control for my mood."

Tariq's description is very revealing. If Samir has a remote control for Tariq's mood, then Tariq has handed it to him. Epictetus said something very similar: if someone could hand your body over to anyone they met, you would be angry. Yet you hand over your mind to anyone who insults you, so that it becomes troubled and confused. Are you not ashamed of that? (Epictetus, Enchiridion 28). The question is not meant to shame Tariq. It is meant to show him that the remote control can be taken back.

Before the next gathering, Tariq used Marcus' morning preparation. He told himself, "Samir will probably make comments about my job, my flat and my marriage. He does this because he measures life by certain things, and he believes he is being helpful, or perhaps he is unhappy in ways I do not see. He is my brother. His comments cannot change the life I have chosen." He also prepared a few calm replies: "I am happy with my work, thank you." "My flat suits me well." "When there is news, you will be the first to know."

At the meal, Samir made his comments, as expected. Tariq answered calmly with his prepared replies and then turned the conversation to something else. Without the reaction he usually got, Samir seemed less interested in continuing. Later that evening, the two brothers ended up washing dishes together, and Samir talked, for the first time in years, about how stressful his own job had become. Tariq realized that the comments might have been, in part, about Samir's own worries. He still did not enjoy them. But he no longer carried them home for a week.

Imani at the Counter

Imani is twenty-seven and works at the counter of a busy pharmacy. Most customers are polite, and many are kind. But every day, a few are rude. Some are impatient about waiting. Some are angry about prices or rules that Imani did not make. One man last week shouted at her because a medicine was out of stock, and he called her useless in front of a queue of people.

After that day, Imani went home shaking. She cried in the bus. That night, she could not stop replaying the man's face and voice. She began to feel nervous every time the pharmacy door opened, wondering whether the next customer would be angry too.

Imani's situation is different from Grace's or Tariq's. She does not have a long relationship with the man who shouted. She will probably never see him again. Yet the encounter stayed with her for days. This is common for people who work with the public, and it deserves to be taken seriously. Being shouted at is unpleasant and can be frightening.

Imani's manager, who had worked in pharmacies for many years, gave her some advice that sounded very Stoic. "When someone shouts at you," she said, "remember that they are usually frightened or in pain. They are worried about their health, or a family member's health, and you are the person in front of them. It is not about you." This is close to Marcus' reminder that people who behave badly are usually confused or suffering. It does not make the shouting acceptable. But it moves the meaning of the event away from "I am useless" and toward "this man was having a terrible day."

Imani also learned to use a short private phrase when a customer became rude. She would say silently to herself, "Not my storm." Then she would answer calmly and politely, follow the pharmacy's rules and, when needed, ask her manager for help. At the end of each shift, she would take a minute to let the day go before she left the building. Rude customers still came. But they took much less of her evening with them.

Imani's manager also made sure that staff were not left alone with aggressive customers, and that anyone who felt threatened could call for support at once. This is an important part of the picture. Personal calm helps, but workplaces also have a duty to protect the people who work in them. Imani's private phrase worked best because she knew she was not on her own.

Practical Steps: Keeping Your Peace With People

The first step is Marcus' morning preparation. If you know you will meet a difficult person today, take a minute in the morning to expect it. Tell yourself what they will probably do, why they might do it and who you want to be when it happens. This is not pessimism. It is a way of making sure that their behaviour does not catch you by surprise and push you into reacting without thought.

The second step is to look for the other handle. When someone has upset you, notice the handle you are holding: "They are rude." "They are unfair." "They do not care." Then look for another handle that can carry the situation forward. "They are my colleague, and we have to work together." "They are my brother." "They are frightened." "They are young and do not know better." The second handle does not excuse the behaviour. It gives you something you can work with.

The third step is to answer from your own character, not theirs. Remember Marcus' line: the best revenge is not to become like them. Before you respond, ask yourself, "What would I do here if I were at my best?" Usually the answer is calm, clear and firm, not cold, cruel or silent.

The fourth step is to speak up when it is right to do so. Grace eventually spoke to Dennis privately. She said calmly that the finding had come from her summary and that she would like her work to be credited in future. Dennis was embarrassed and apologized. She also made sure, in a matter-of-fact way, that her next summary was sent to the managers directly as well. Speaking up is not the opposite of Stoic calm. It is often the most Stoic thing to do, because justice is one of the four main virtues the Stoics valued most.

The fifth step is to let go at the end of the day. Once you have done what you can, the other person's behaviour belongs to them. Replaying it at night will not change it. A short ritual can help: a few slow breaths, a short walk, a sentence such as "I have done my part. The rest is theirs."

A sixth step is to choose which battles deserve your energy. Not every small rudeness needs an answer. Marcus reminded himself that life is short, and that a great deal of irritation comes from things that will not matter next week. Before you respond to a difficult person, you might ask: "Will this matter in a month? Is there something here that justice requires me to address?" If the answer to both is no, letting it pass may be the wisest and calmest choice. If either answer is yes, then calm, clear action is called for.

Calm Is Not the Same as Silence

There is an important limit to everything in this chapter. Stoic calm never means accepting abuse, cruelty or danger. Marcus' reminders and Epictetus' two handles are tools for ordinary conflicts: rudeness, unfairness, irritation and misunderstanding. They are not reasons to stay in a situation where you are being harmed, threatened, bullied or treated with violence.

The Stoics placed justice among their highest values. Justice includes justice toward yourself. If someone at work is bullying or harassing you, it is right to keep a record of what happens, to speak to someone you trust and to use the proper channels to report it. If someone at home is hurting you or frightening you, it is right to seek help from people and services that can protect you. If you are ever in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.

Calm can be a strength in such situations, because it helps you think clearly and act wisely. But calm is not the goal by itself. The goal is to act well, and acting well sometimes means saying no, leaving, reporting or asking for protection. A Stoic who walks away from harm is not failing at Stoicism. They are practising courage and justice together.

It is also worth remembering that keeping your peace does not mean keeping every relationship. Some relationships, after honest effort, remain harmful. In such cases, creating distance can be a wise and kind choice, both for yourself and, sometimes, for the other person too.

A Short Exercise: Your Own Morning Note

Marcus wrote his morning note for himself, in his own words, about the people he expected to meet. In this exercise, you will write your own version. It takes about ten minutes, and you can repeat it whenever a difficult encounter is coming.

Begin by naming, privately, one person or one kind of situation that often disturbs your peace. It might be a colleague, a relative, a type of customer or a neighbour. Write down honestly what they tend to do: "She interrupts me." "He criticizes my choices." "They complain loudly." Do not exaggerate, and do not soften it. Simply describe it.

Next, write two or three possible reasons for their behaviour that have nothing to do with your worth. You do not have to be sure these reasons are true. Marcus himself admitted that he could not always know why people acted as they did. "She may feel unheard in her own work." "He may be anxious about his own life." "They may be in pain or frightened." This step is not about excusing them. It is about loosening the story that their behaviour is a judgment on you.

Then write who you want to be when it happens. Choose two or three words: perhaps "calm, clear and kind", or "patient but firm". Add one prepared response, a short sentence you can use if needed, like Tariq's replies at the family table. Finally, write a closing line in the spirit of Marcus: "They cannot make me act against my own character. That is up to me."

Read the note on the morning of the encounter. Afterwards, add a line at the bottom: what happened, and how close you came to the person you wanted to be. Do not judge yourself harshly if you fell short. Marcus wrote this kind of note many times because he, too, fell short. The note is a practice, not a test.

Grace wrote her note before the next monthly meeting. Her three words were "steady, honest, generous". Her closing line was: "My work is my work, whoever presents it. My character is mine, whatever he does." She said later that it was the first meeting in weeks that she had left without her stomach in knots.

Chapter Summary

Difficult people are one of the oldest sources of worry, and the Stoics wrote about them often. Marcus prepared each morning to meet interfering, ungrateful and unkind people, reminding himself that they act from confusion, that they are part of the same human family and that they cannot harm his character (Meditations 2.1). He wrote that the best revenge is not to become like them (Meditations 6.6), and he listed reminders for moments of offence, ending with the power of genuine kindness (Meditations 11.18). Epictetus taught that every situation has two handles, and that we should pick up the one that can carry it (Enchiridion 43).

Grace with her stolen credit, Olga with her noisy neighbours, Tariq at the family table and Imani at the pharmacy counter all found that they could not control how others behaved, but they could choose how to hold the situation and how to respond. Calm is not silence: justice and courage sometimes call us to speak up, set limits or seek protection.

In the next chapter, we will look at a feeling that often appears when we deal with difficult people, and that is closely related to worry, even though it looks very different: anger.